Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

[BirdandSparrow]

I don't know. My situation was a bit odd, in that before I went NC there was no other family living near us and we didn't socialise with her and other people so it never came up. But, I would say grey rock goes along with low contact anyway so there wouldn't be many instances you'd be in that kind of situation. And I'd simply try to avoid her as much as possible, be busy talking to other people etc.

[LagunaBubbles]

You said she is abusive, I can't see that here just your hatred for her, but if there is abuse I understand why that's grown

Do you really expect the OP to list all the awful things that her Mum has done to her and because she hasn't you "don't see abuse"? Really ffs.

[shudup]

Yes Laguna. Some want to watch your life like an episode of Eastenders.

[shudup]

I asked about presents. Apparently the relationship I have with my mother is relevant. That doesn't mean I'm going to give you the nitty gritty details. Watch the rugby or something.

[Booberella9]

TENS machine isn't something to gift, it's something a person buys for theirself. Do you think there's a bit of codependence there maybe?

I'd stop attaching so much meaning to gifts OP, just give a token generic Boots gift set and have done.

[ironicname]

Just get her flowers or ask her if she wants anything in particular.

My DM buys us a lot of "thoughtful" gifts, unfortunately they are not to our taste and we don't use them.

[YawnYawnYawnYawnzy]

If you must send a present, send chocolate or something else consumable.
In what way is she abusive and why are you trying to please her?

[YawnYawnYawnYawnzy]

Had t RTFT - ignore last question.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

I think stopping gifts is the right thing for you, but you can also have some fun in imagining terrible presents (or better still, presents which are just wrong enough to be genuinely irritating).

My mother would hate a charity gift card ("Charity begins at home" although never noticeably in her home!), and while she would love a waterfall cardigan, it would have to be brown to properly disappoint her. Or in the size she tells everyone she is, rather than the size she actually is. I'm not given to passive aggression in real life, but I do have some fun with it in my head!

[iamtherealitycheck]

I have a strained relationship with my parents and I buy them experience voucher usually afternoon tea on groupon because they use it and enjoy it

[MzHz]

She knows you’re giving to be nice, and that you’re wanting her to be happy with you

My (abusive) ex was like this, never ever used any gift I gave him.

He begrudged me the pleasure of giving.

She was abusive, she’s still abusive.

Get her a card and some flowers MAX, then take this method of hurting you away from her.

[Andpppy]

We bought my grandmother various blankets each Christmas for 20 years. It’s what she asked for. We didn’t see her so often as she lived a few hundred miles away, had family support from aunts locally and Dad, while living his mother was averse to going back to where he grew up as they were very poor. In due course Grandma died and every blanket was in the cupboard. You see she did not need the blankets but she she liked having a cupboard of new ones. She kept tins of salmon and ham from the 1950s for similar reasons.

[FelicisNox]

You've answered your own question: she is emotionally abusive so anything you do for her is a wasted gesture.

From now on send a nice card and get a bunch of flowers delivered for special occasions.

Unlike many I have an insight into your relationship with your mum.... my mum is similar in terms of health issues but is a nice person and we have a good relationship but it's horses and water with people who don't want to be helped.

I dare say your thoughtful gifts irritate her as you are being the considerate adult and she knows she's not treating you well but that's her issue not yours.

Let her get on with it, life is too short.

[Nellisterr]

@shudup I can relate to this. My DM is very similar, she is critical, judgemental and I can never do anything right. I tried EVERYTHING to get my DS to breastfeed but at 14% weight loss, we decided on bottle... I was very upset and all my DM said in an email was 'It's your duty to breastfeed and you are lazy for giving the bottle to your husband to feed'. I snapped and she refused to come round to see her grandson yet it was my fault she was 'robbed of the time with him'. This stems from a long time of me doing what she wanted and constantly seeking approval and she was exactly the same with any gifts or anything I wanted to give her. Nothing I gave her she liked, even if she explicitly said about getting an Amazon Echo, when we bought her one she declared as she opened it that she no longer wants it and that we should take it back. I tried everything, flowers... They were too forecourt, vouchers for her favourite theatre she scoffed as she opened them, never used. The list goes on! So we have decided to call it quits and no gifts from either of us, saves alot of money and hurt feelings. I feel for you but I think the nature of the relationship will mean you will never be able to please her, that's how I deal with it

[Diva66]

You are buying your mum what you think she needs, not what she’ wants. The cardigan may not be to her taste, I don’t like waterfall cardigans myself. Not all types of pain respond to TENS treatment and you really need a skilled practitioner to show you the correct placing of the pads anyway. I have a relative who constantly asks ‘Have you used it yet?’ Every time she gives me a present. It is intensely irritating to the point where I now lie. Fortunately she lives far enough away to not know I haven’t used/worn it! Just give her a gift voucher or box of chocs in future.

[Justontherightsideofnormal]

Would you consider just sending a card On birthday/Christmas/Mother’s Day , no gift and take a step back. I’d say that for your own mental health it would be the best thing to do. Your mum sounds like someone who doesn’t deserve you to try and please her or waste time worrying about her. She is an abuser and will not change.

[Theoldwrinkley]

I really dislike getting ‘stuff’. I’m ‘stuffed’ out. Especially if not chosen specifically by me for my use. I know I’m an ungrateful git. I do appreciate thought, but if that thought doesn’t correspond with mine then I’d prefer nothing.
If you must get something, get a usable gift....just something like flowers. If she likes them you’ve gained a tick in the box. If she doesn’t then she hasn’t got to find a use or charity-shop them as they’ll die naturally. PS I’m not a florist!

[Rachel709]

Just send flowers.

[MargotsBumpyNight]

Just here to admire your bravery OP and wish you luck

[Teddybear27]

I had a relationship with an abusive mother and it doesn't matter what you do, you can never win. I have limited contact and will only get in contact when I want to as I know how quickly things can turn sour. You can always send or give her some flowers or a voucher, if that is not good enough then I would give up and if she says why say you never seem to like anything I give you. Don't play her games.

[JRUIN]

I feel for you OP and think you are fighting a losing battle. Save yourself the angst and the money and just send her a card from now on. If she moans about that, tell her you can't afford to waste money anymore and stop even sending her a card. It doesn't sound like she deserves even that to be honest.

[Aglet]

Someone suggested you are buying her what she needs and not what she wants. But how can you buy her what she wants if she tells you she doesn't want anything? My mum never knows what she wants and I rack my bloody brains each year to try and think of things she might like. It is hit and miss. Yet, I still do it. Since your mum is ungrateful, which mine isn't, I would just buy flowers.

[Jeeperscreepers69]

No clothes. No tens machine. Try flowers choccies and wine.

[DreamTheMoors]

Could you get her a gift card or a nice gift basket? I know it hurts your feelings - my sister is cruel too. It’s something I expect from her so I just don’t try hard any more. If you expect it, it’s somehow easier to take, even though it still hurts your heart.

[oxoxoxoxo]

Sorry, cant be doing with RTFT, all I saw was the last sentence about her being abusive.

I find it sad the number of people on here who don't get on with their families - but that said - if your DM is abusive then why are you even trying to please her with presents etc? I'm not sure I understand?

In our family we gave up presents as adults anyway so I wouldn't be buying for my lovely mum if she was still here, but given your Mum isn't even kind to you then I think you (and DSis) should have that conversation and say we don't buy for grown ups any more. That would solve this problem, but not your bigger issues of family dynamics etc...…. Good luck....