Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

Both gifts were things which people would normally buy for themselves - not for other people.

My DH bought himself a TENS machine after he'd researched his pain and decided that this was for him. I never would have bought him one without him knowing .

Same with clothes - don't buy gifts like clothes, specially ones which cover your fat shape - hardly a flattering message for your mother.

Just buy her a voucher or some flowers.

Gift voucher and a small bunch of flowers. Or you could do as I do with adults now- don't bother with gifts.

things are not as simple as they seem.

They never are. Protect yourself. Don't give more of yourself than you can afford. .

Get something bland and generic.

She will never be happy, so stop trying to make her happy. Her treatment of you is nothing to do with the presents you pick.

Personally I'd send her a box of chocs each year, not ask whether she got it or whether she liked it (because she probably didn't) and leave it there.

My biggest regret is that I didn't go NC with my Mother. She is still abusing you and that won't stop.
"She sends me cash, so buying a voucher would be like - here's a hundred quid - oh thanks, here's a hundred quid for you!"

If you can't stop the gift buying, do that. She might use it as a stick to beat you with, but either way, she doing that anyway.

Choosing gifts is taking your, time and mental energy, it also brings home the shit mother you have. I used to have to carefully search for cards that didn't speak of living times. Around Mother's Day, it took effort, until Moonpig started.

Stop thinking about her, she isn't going to change. Start doing what suits you, it's about time you came first.

Can you club together with your siblings and get her a joint present? If she doesn't use it you'll know it's not out of spite. And she can't play you off against each other that way either.

Otherwise, could you see if her local hairdresser does gift vouchers? Presumably a hair cut voucher is something she will definitely use but if she ends up with hair down to her ankles you'll know you weren't being paranoid about her not using your gifts!

shudup I hear you.

My DM has NPD and has never said she loved me. She sees me as a threat, a pawn in her endless manipulative games. She hates it if anything good happens to me. She made my life hell and celebrated when anything bad happened to me. I could give examples but people with normal parents just wouldn't believe me

Have you ever had counselling/therapy for this? Or visited the Stately Homes thread in Relationships?

It's not you, it's her. I remember every Mothers Day standing looking at the cards and almost crying at the messages realising one of the words applied to our relationship.

I have been NC for many years now and it's like a huge weight has been lifted.

None of the words Doh!

My mother was the same. She would go one step further though. She had a small stool in her living room and any Christmas or birthday present would sit o. the stool for a year. Every so often she would say, I must get DH to take all this junk up to the loft. Motioning around the room but letting you know that she meant my gifts. The other phrase was ‘“DH went up to the loft and saw X, I’ve no idea where it came from. I should get him to throw it away”

You sound quite critical of your mum

Erm ... maybe, just maybe, that's because she was and still is abusive to me, @RippleEffects?

Do you think she doesn't know you are judging her?

Do you think she doesn't know how abusively she has treated her own daughter. @Merigoround? Who is still trying to "build bridges" with thoughtful gifts, & still being rejected & compared unfavourably to others?

Definitely go with the idea that there is no solution. Just be at peace with whatever you get her and know that she will respond negatively no matter what it is. That’s ok because you’ve done nothing wrong.
You could get the same thing every single time, then it can just be an admin task you tick off at set times of the year e.g. flowers or gift card.
Or, if you are strong enough, go non contact. You wouldn’t be wrong to do that, as she’s caused caused you so much sadness.

I could have written so many of your posts on this thread!
My Mum is so similar- except it’s gaviscon and codeine she pops, the TENS machine I bought her ended up on a selling page. The third row theatre tickets for a show that I know she loves I bought her she gave away to her neighbour, but to be honest the gifts were the tip of the iceberg.
It’s been two years since we were last in contact now. My life is so much simpler. Yes I yearn for a Mother, but in all honesty, I never had one. She was always so critical of me, judgemental of anything I did, and really only wanted me around to borrow money from and have lifts wherever she wanted to go.
My advice to you is that she is never going to change unless you talk to her about it. And even then she may not. So in my position I was the one who needed to change something.
If you must maintain contact with her, I suggest one of these as your next gift to her-
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/charity-gift-card/pile-of-poo-ou1007ml

sendacow.org/product/calf/

If somebody bought me a cardigan and then kept asking if I'd worn it that would really piss me off. By all means buy the present but checking up? Also buying a waterfall cardigan in a large size and giving it to an overweight person is a bit like saying "cover your fat belly" Does she actually wear waterfall cardigans?

If somebody bought me a TENS machine as a present then I would feel it was a dig at my "nurofen smartie" habit and would be quite upset actually. Completely different if I had been talking about WANTING to try using a TENS machine and was gifted one, that would be a thoughtful present. It feels a bit like buying an alcoholic a bottle of non alcoholic Gin.

Just buy her some nice soap or a candle or something, and forget all about it if you just want to give her something. Otherwise don't bother.

I think you have a lot of resentment, judgement and disdain towards your mother. Do you actually like anything about her? What are either of you benefiting from the relationship? You said she is abusive, I can't see that here just your hatred for her, but if there is abuse I understand why that's grown. Do yourself a favour and go LC/NC and work out your own issues and whether you want her in your life at all. Either you find a way to love and forgive a person despite their wrong doing or you stop engaging in a toxic situation because you are so angry and hurt.

Buy her flowers or a food hamper. Whatever is easiest for you. Then you can mentally tick the box that you have done it and move on.

Do enough that you don’t feel guilty and don’t worry about your DM’s reaction. You are doing what you need to do to make yourself feel OK. Your DM will react badly whatever you do. However, if you can find a way to reframe it so the present buying is for your benefit not hers then it takes away some of the power of her reaction.

You will never get her true approval no matter how thoughtful your gift because she uses approval and disapproval as a means of control. He reaction is not a response to the gift but an projection of her view of the world.

Washing and ironing as a present..............................................just no.................................... . I bet no man ever received that as a present. Its a bit like ads on Facebook where the suggestion is that you get the woman of the house an oven clean!!!!

I realised with one of my parents that no matter what they did it would be wrong. That there was nothing they could ever do or say that would ever even start to make up for the things in the past that they had done wrong and that continuing spending time with them was damaging me every time. Since going NC I have stopped feeling angry, resentful, hurt, frustrated, guilty, conflicted. I stepped out of the FOG.

It also depends on whether she gets you considerate/thoughtful gifts at christmas/birthdays etc or if she doesn't bother?

Alternatively, send her a stripogram

I've had three adult birthdays to buy for in recent weeks. Spent ages agonising over two of them but nearly forgot the third and had to grab something as an emergency gift from Lidl of all places! They had bunches of tulips for under £2 each so I bought 5 bunches, took them home, got them out of their plastic, wrapped them all together in brown paper and tied with garden twine. The relative who received this absolutely gorgeous big bunch of tulips was over the moon – so extravagant. Much better response than the other two, carefully thought-through gifts that were put aside with a quick 'thank you.'

Moral of the story is that gifts are always hit and miss and too often say more about the person buying than the person receiving. Don't invest too much of yourself or your money in them.

Or send her a card with loads of glitter in it...............................

Apologies, I haven’t read the whole thread. But I do get it. My MIL can be a bit like this. I go to lots of trouble to buy thoughtful gifts, things she’s mentioned previously, etc. She quite often regifts them, sometimes to me. One time I bought her a nice evening bag when she’d said she didn’t have one and would like one. She was pretty unenthusiastic on receipt at Christmas and I got it back in March with the words “someone gave me this, I don’t like it.” I generally get stuff from her I don’t think anyone would want to receive. Like a toast rack or a box of tissues!

Oh well. I don’t let it bother me though I do notice it.

@shudup Sorry but

Like a pp, I also found the TENS machine useless, and I thing waterfall cardigans are fugly... Unless your mom said she wanted either one of these things, then YABU.

I can't offer any more advice than you have already had. Maybe just stop buying her stuff and go low contact.