Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

Just get her a voucher, what if it feels like its a bit here's your hundred quid and here's your hundred quid back. It's got to be better than wasting your time on gifts she doesn't want. Stop investing so much in these gifts, you're setting yourself up here.

My DM is notoriously difficult to buy for - but none of us take it personally. When we buy presents for her we always joke about what her complaint will be.
Clothing is always a tricky purchase and a TENS machine is something that won't appeal to everyone. Also, it did come from a place of judgement because you mentioned she was overweight when you explained the cardigan purchase and you said she eats tablets 'like sweeties'

I feel for you @shudup, there’s a lot of people on this thread who are totally incapable of reading your posts, so eager are they to stick the knife into you. It’s bad enough you’ve got a shit mother, now you’ve got to be kicked on here to for daring to not like her!

Honestly, there is no elephant so big that it allows your mother to physically abuse you! You are a grown woman, and that is assault. I don’t care what hold she has over you, you are worth more than that. She won’t ever be what you want her to be so you need to accept that and put a stop to her hitting you. If you tell her “no, you will not put your hands on me ever again” what’s the worst that can happen? Nothing. She already does the worst things.

Just send a bunch of flowers - it shows you’ve thought of her, but haven’t bought something that she has to keep or use.

I can’t vote either way.
To me your presents are not very good. A frumpy grey cardigan and a pain relief machine that doesn’t work on everyone.
I’m not good at presents either so I understand.

But you tried and obviously were being thoughtful in intent which should be what really matters. I can’t tell if your mum is rubbing it in that’s youre not very good at present buying or just oblivious to how hurtful she can be.

I’d try the wish list approach. Ask her what she’d like.

Oh, just read in the thread that she hits you? My mum was the same and I haven’t given her a gift since I was five years old and the school forced me to sew a gift for her. You should know even if you got the most amazing gift for her, it won’t change her or get you an apology for the abuse.

Interflora is the answer in these situations.

Presents can be difficult even in the best and more straightforward of circumstances OP, which this clearly is not. A lot of people just don't particularly appreciate any physical gifts and a lot of those who like giving them aren't half as good at choosing as they think they are. So this is a common enough situation even where there isn't an abusive dynamic. And they do all strike me as fairly odd presents tbh, although obviously there could easily be more to it than that.

Just stop or give cash or a voucher if you don't feel comfortable with that. I know it feels like swapping the same £50 all the time, but isn't that better than buying items that aren't going to be used?

Fwiw, imo a silver cake slice is an innocuous and fairly universally useful present.

Nowhere close.

Because pictish I suppose I wanted solutions not criticism. It's easy to say 'I wouldn't appreciate that' - well what would you bloody appreciate then??*
*
I would appreciated anything my child had taken time and care to choose because I'm not an abusive arsehole . If you aren't ready to go NC (& it sounds like you should) then buy a bunch of flowers and save your time, energy and money to spend on someone who will appreciate it.
Be kind to yourself life's too short to put up with this shit

I hate people checking up on whether I've used presents - and you've asked several times. I'd feel hounded! Maybe she hates it - maybe she has nothing that goes with it - maybe she's saving it for a special occasion. To be honest - and I'm also overweight - a grey waterfall cardigan sounds depressing, the kind of thing I'm resigned to buying when nothing else in the shop fits.
And if your mum is anything like me, she wouldn't know what a Tens is or what to do with it. Again, a depressing gift. Send flowers if you want to please her - everybody likes flowers! Instead you have focused your gifts on negatives, your mum's weight/health.

Wow! just finished reading this thread and considering the op's mother was, and still is abusive, some of the replies on here completely inappropriate, misguided and frankly cruel.

I hate receiving clothes. People tend to buy what they like, and it's not what I like.

@AJP Taylor Interflora is not the answer, their flowers are awful! I'm surprised they're still in business.

Can you ask her if she would like to receive a perfume and if so, which one?

My dad gives every woman in the family their favourite perfume. It's quite nice since we get exactly the one we want and it saves us buying it ourselves.

Sounds like your mother wants a grievance, and the chance to blame. And this you supply her with just by existing, whether you buy her a gift or not. You'd think she's be more grateful. Cut your losses and spend your money on yourself.

I feel for you OP, this is about so much more than 'presents'; you are looking for love and acceptance, through your gifts.
Be kind to you, accept that this isn't about the gift and no amount of even the most well thought out gifts are going to resolve or improve your relationship with your mother.

If I were you I would settle on delivered flowers, every year. You resolve yourself to this as a 'non-clutter' present, you don't have to give it much thought to try and match what you perceive as her expectation and you don't ask about them once delivered - it doesn't matter whether she likes flowers, or these particular flowers because you have taken control and sent them because you have decided to give.

Or you decide not to give at all.

I think you have a lot of resentment, judgement and disdain towards your mother. Do you actually like anything about her? What are either of you benefiting from the relationship? You said she is abusive, I can't see that here just your hatred for her, but if there is abuse I understand why that's grown

This is a referral letter one of my therapists has written for me for further therapy if that helps your question.

Miss Shudup reports a horrific childhood, growing up with an abusive main carer (her mother) who abused her physically, verbally and emotionally on a regular basis; stunting Miss Shudup’s opportunity to develop an appropriate sense of self and others; to be able to express herself in a way which is conducive to developing and maintaining interpersonal relationships; to manage her psychological and emotional states in a self-soothing and safe ways. As a result of her very early experiences, she was not able to attach to her carer securely instead developing a personality disorder, suicidal ideation, alcohol abuse, promiscuity as means of managing self and escaping difficult emotions.

Hope that answers the question whether or not there was abuse or not.

OP -the posters saying don’t invest time in thinking or caring about the present or your DMs reaction to it are correct (though I get that this is difficult to pull off).
I’m confused by many of the present suggestions though. Washing and ironing? Just no! A wash takes minutes and I don’t iron. I’d be too bemused by that as a present to even hate it.
I dislike cut flowers too - never know what to do with them when they die, and I have quite a sensitive sense of smell so some flowers give me a headache and I can smell the water (smells of decay).
These, I realise, are my issues - but that illustrates the problem with presents. It’s really hard to get presents for people you don’t really, really know and like.

It is probably reading the referral which is actually much more comprehensive and lengthy than that paragraph that has brought the woman into my head today.

@awomaninblue I'd be thrilled with a huge armful of tulips. What a gorgeously festive present!

If my cardigan and pain machine were judgmental - how was my sister's not? After all, that said - 'you never go anywhere' surely?

You seem intent on saying that I'm judgmental.

As I've explained, I put aside my loathing of her to buy her a present. If I didn't, I'd buy her a size 10 bikini or something.

Someone has hit the nail on the thread as to why I can't go entirely NC with her. If I could, I would. It's like I get sucked in and then fucked back out periodically.

This isn’t about presents OP. It’s about your relationship with your mother and your ongoing feelings of not being good enough and not being loved. I am so sorry that you faced this is childhood - no one should have to go through this. You’re now an adult, and have agency. What value is there FOR YOU in maintaining a relationship with her? I wonder if you would be happier if you moved on by ceasing contact with her.

I hope you find happiness and continue with counselling and therapy. You deserve to be happy

*has hit the nail on the head on the thread

As I've explained sugarfreejelly, there is one massive reason why I can't go NC with her.

You can shudup and however hard NC might seem, it would almost certainly cause you less heartache than this