Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

[shudup]

She has three children and gets lots of presents - 2 siblings more well off than me.
I suppose for once it would be nice if she was actually grateful.
Don't think I'll bother anymore.
One present I got her about 7 years ago she uses. It was 8 leather table mats. She's precious about her table, and had hideous cardboardy type floral table mats prior to that. I think she only brings them out for 'good wear'.
Another year I got her a silver cake slice. Christmas day when cutting the cake, I was like 'why don't you use your new cake slice' And she unwillingly did.
I give up lol!

[shinyredbus]

You bought her a tens machine for her ailment and a cardigan because ‘she’s overweight’ - maybe she didn’t want thoughtful presents. Just buy her a bottle of wine!

[lljkk]

My parents HATE any physical stuff, it's all clutter to them. I buy them meals out & experiences or donations to charities they support, instead.

[CherryPavlova]

In truth. I detest waterfall cardigans. They are impractical as they don’t do up to keep you warm, the dangling bits take longer to dry and they are very ‘ middle aged person who works in M&S and saves to go on a cruise each year’.

I had a TENS in labour. I ripped it off and threw it across the room. Irritating thing.

Presents won’t build relationships.Time, a genuine desire to give pleasure and a understanding of the person will. Maybe try talking to her about what she wants and don’t be brushed off with nothing?
Maybe do something with her instead of giving her a gift - theatre, a concert, racing - something fun for you both.

[Fairylea]

Being really honest they’re not great presents... clothes are really difficult to buy for anyone unless it’s a very generic fluffy dressing gown or something like that (and you know they wear dressing gowns etc)! The Tens machine is a nice thought but if you have chronic pain it’s a faff to get it out and get it on and people do find it easier to take tablets. I think you are taking her reaction to the gifts too personally. But obviously there’s a huge backstory about your relationship with her that complicates things.

[ContessaferJones]

Do your siblings get on better with her? If so I'd be tempted to get one of them to give you ideas for gifts. Or follow the theme of what a sibling gets - it's copying but at least makes it less likely she'll grumble.

[Notanotherflightdelay]

Both are poor gifts. The tens machine is just odd and a grey waterfall cardigan would not be something many people would like. Shame she hasn’t donated them to charity or sold them though,

[Avocadohips]

If she was and still is abusive to you, that's the hint as to why she doesn't appreciate your gifts.

Definitely stop trying to get her affection/love/peace with gifts. The gap between you wasn't caused by you and isn't up to you to fix.

Have you had counselling? Might be worth considering it. Xx

[RippleEffects]

As someone with a mother who also dislikes every gift. Here are a few of her stock responses to brighten your day:

Handcream or beauty products - Are you saying I'm old and don't look after myself?

Chocolates - trying to make me fat or saying im so fat i may as well just give up

Flowers - short-lived and dead in a week shame you couldn't have put more effort in.

Expensive gift that she's said she wants - can I have the receipt, it's a waste of money if I'd really wanted it I could have got it for myself

Cheap gift - is that all I'm worth

The only thing that works is something valuable, that she wants purchased at a bargain price.

Fortunately she's lovely in other ways, just very very difficult to buy for.

[shudup]

She does play the two of us off. Actually all three of us.

My sister got her a night away with dinner for two at a 5 star hotel and she was like 'where would I be going to a place like that'. Though apparently she did love it when she actually went. Hard to know!

My feelings about her are complicated - they range from rage at her to sympathy. But I don't buy every year (if we're not in contact).

[Notanotherflightdelay]

A cake slice- for Christmas cake?

I do gop that she donates all this stuff and doesn’t just let it sit unused

[Redwinestillfine]

Just get her vouchers. As an adult O much rather choosing my own stuff.

[BlueJava]

I just give my mum presents, I don't mind if she does or doesn't use them! Personally I wouldn't give her clothes, they are really personal and need to be chosen. Why not send her some lovely flowers (M&S do wonderful bouquets) and chocs from Hotel Chocolat? Unless she immediately bins the flowers I bet they'll both be used if it bothers you.

[Grandmi]

So in a nutshell you don’t like your Mother !!

[LellyMcKelly]

I agree with her about the waterfall cardigan - the ultimate in frumpy chic. My dad is difficult to buy for and I’ve resorted to getting him newer or posher versions of stuff he already owns. For example, he’s a big fan of a M&S navy jumper so I got him an almost identical one from Crew. He was delighted by it.

[shudup]

Like the poster above - doesn't want flowers. 'Sure who'll see them only myself?'.
Chocolate? Why would you buy me chocolate? Is it because I'm fat?

[Fluffycloudland77]

Why are you mending bridges with an abusive parent?. Give her a £30 John Lewis voucher. Put it in a card with “Worlds best mum” on it.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

The key issue here is that she was abusive and your relationship is poor. Presents won't change that.

Tbh I think the way you 'check up' on her using your presents - asking if she's worn the cardigan, making her use the cake slice - is pushy and a bit rude. But again, I don't think that's the issue here.

[shudup]

Grandmi - it's slightly more complicated than that.

[Toodeloo]

Sorry, they are the sort of presents I’d throw out/donate instantly - and that includes a silver cake slice.

[shudup]

The conversation about the cardigan came up as there was a video on FB and she was unwittingly filmed in it. I said I saw her in the video. She said 'if I'd known they were filming I'd have taken off the big coat and I wouldn't have looked like such a haystack'. So I said 'oh, have you worn your new cardigan yet?'. Her 'No, I haven't been anywhere'.

[shudup]

I thought the cake slice would be useful because it's one thing I only remember I don't possess when it comes to cutting and serving cake - you do that wibbly wobbly serving on the knife where it's touch and go as to whether it will make it to a plate lol.

[pictish]

Maybe the cardigan isn’t to her taste? Perhaps she doesn’t want to use a tens machine (I wouldn’t) and maybe she’s happy using a knife to cut cake and cba looking out the cake slice (whatever one is)?

You’re taking this very personally. None of those gifts would appeal to me. Presents don’t come with a contract that says they must be used or gravely insult the giver.

I think your complicated relationship with your mum is making this a bigger and more pointed issue than it is. A cake slice would sit in my drawer unused too.

[shudup]

Well Tondeloo - what sort of present would you like?