Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

298 replies

shudup · 22/02/2020 08:33

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
redastherose · 22/02/2020 13:11

Send flowers, if you know which ones or colours she likes. They are a present that can't really fail to be used iyswim it will save you being annoyed at the waste and she may actually really enjoy receiving them and looking at them.

SnoozyLou · 22/02/2020 13:11

I'd get her a gift card to make a point, but I think it would be unreasonable to give her nothing at all. If you think she's playing you and your siblings off against each other, you'll just be giving her ammunition if you don't get her anything.

Campurp · 22/02/2020 13:13

Just stick £50 on a One4All voucher and be fine with it next time. It’s really unfortunate but some people just don’t appreciate gifts. Sorry OP

Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:14

AnnaMagnani I have all of my dd's presents to me (some homemade cards, some bought), in a folder. When she asks what I want, I ask for photos of her that she likes to frame. Unprompted, she tends to buy me silk scarves (though not silk). I've had 2 of those last year lol. I wear scarves a lot, like some 1950's siren in a movie haha. Another year she was going to art class so I asked her for a painting (abstract) - she sent me a painting of a cat lol. Another year she asked and I asked for a silver coloured bracelet that I could wear and proudly mention that it came from her. DD is a teenager and as such is not 'all about Mammy' anymore, but she does come up trumps every time. But from her first handprint to her most recent set of photos she has given me, I have always praised them so much that you can see that she is gushing with pride for having got the right thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:15

joystir - I suggest that your posts here are passive aggressive.

OP posts:
Clarabella77 · 22/02/2020 13:17

If you want to get a successful present, just ask her what she wants.

Your idea of thoughtful may be her idea of you imposing your opinions on her.

Surprise "thoughtful" presents rarely hit the spot unless you really, really know the person. And I say this as a person who previously assumed my "thoughtful" presents were amazing but always got a little irked when "thoughtful" presents from others made me question whether the giver knew me at all!

SnoozyLou · 22/02/2020 13:20

Or... or... get her one of those "a donation has been made in your honour to the [insert worthy cause]" cards. I mean, if she's really pissed you off.

Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:21

@SnoozyLou I think you've cracked it! Donate it to elephants or something. She could read from that what she will!

OP posts:
feelingverylazytoday · 22/02/2020 13:22

OP This is very sad, I feel bad for you. Flowers.
Please stop trying to please your mother by spending time on choosing gifts for her. You can't please her, no matter what you do for her.
Re the gifts, you have a few options.

  • Ask her for an Amazon wishlist and buy something from there.
  • Send her something extremely generic (flowers/chocolate, etc), and don't ask her if she likes it. If she moans about it then send her the exact same thing next time.
  • Don't buy her any more gifts. If she asks why then tell her why, she doesn't appreciate them so you're going to spend your money on more useful things in future. Then leave it at that. Use the money to treat yourself, and the people who love you.
I hope your therapy helps you find some peace and happiness. Best wishes to you.
SnoozyLou · 22/02/2020 13:23

Yeah, I mean if she likes elephants, can't really grumble at that 😬

Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:24

And conversely, to what some suggested, when dd asked me on Christmas day which 4 photos I'd put in a frame (out of 7 she had sent), it showed that she really cared what I thought. Well to me it did anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:27

Snoozylou I feel like a bold girl sniggering at the back of the class with you lol. 'No respect!!!'.

OP posts:
Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:28

Look, if you can't laugh, what can you do.

Hopefully this referral works and I get the intensive therapy, but they have to approve you, so I'll probably find out next week.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/02/2020 13:32

But, things are not as simple as they seem.

Nothing ever is: if you go nc, are you likely to have to therefore go nc with your sister? Would that be such a loss? I didn’t go nc with my not so dm due to not wanting to do the same with my df who would do as she said.

If you can’t go nc, then stop buying her anything. Why are you spending money on her? Also tell her to stop sending vouchers so she can’t guilt you by giving a present when you don’t buy her one.

Arthritica · 22/02/2020 13:36

There are conflated issues clouding things.

YABU to ask repeatedly whether she's used/worn your presents. Once you've given them, be like Elsa and Let It Go. Either she doesn't like them or she's using them as a tool to hurt you and asking invites this hurt.

YANBU to be so distressed by your mother. YANBU to dislike her. YABU to expect her to like presents you bought that seem pretty judgey from the outside - TENS because you think she takes too many painkillers, a cardigan to hide how fat she is. Gifts to 'fix' her will put her back up even more.

Don't play the game. Opt out of thinking about it.

If sending a present is easier than dealing with the aggro if you don't send one, go for an easy option. Waitrose do lovely indoor planters. I get them for MIL - a basket planted with bulbs for example. They last for weeks, look lovely, cost the same as a bouquet and don't involve much emotional investment.
Like this for example:
www.waitroseflorist.com/british-pink-garden-planter-820753

MitziK · 22/02/2020 13:36

Even without the context of abuse, personality disorders and the hold the mother has, presents are difficult, as you can't know what somebody wants, as they might not know either - I'm pretty good at seeing what I don't want, but knowing what I do is far more difficult.

PostNotInHaste · 22/02/2020 13:38

Sadly you won’t please her so it isn’t worth trying but that is easy to say and hard to do. You can’t change her but what you can do is continue breaking the cycle with your DD.

My suggestion is find something like an orchid in Tesco or somewhere for as little as possible with as little thought as possible then spend the rest of what you would have spent on something to do with your DD and celebrate the fact that you are a much better Mother than she ever was.

Original poster
shudup · 22/02/2020 13:39

Arthritica If you read my posts, you would see that I live in a different country (think this is the third time I've mentioned it now), so a plant pot from Waitrose is not an option.

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 22/02/2020 13:46

Thing is, if you ask her, she's just going to say don't bother. But if you don't bother, you look like the bad guy.

Probably not elephants in retrospect 😬

I wouldn't go NC, but I would pull back if I found contact upsetting or unsettling.

I think basically, I wouldn't put as much effort into choosing her gifts if it goes unacknowledged. And if I wanted to send flowers instead, I would. It's the giver's prerogative to choose the gift after all.

gromberry · 22/02/2020 13:54

Clothing is personal, you can't blame her for not liking something you chose.

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 22/02/2020 14:01

They sound like nice thoughtful presents, sounds like the problem lies with her not you, in future, Voucher, flowers, chocolates and a card, save your energy and kind thoughts for yourself and others who appreciate you kindness.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2020 14:02

she was and still is abusive to me

This is what's most relevant. There are some really hard of thinking people in here who think that what the OP actually buys is what's important. "I wouldn't like a Tens" etc, ffs. The OP knows her mum and presumably is buying things she thinks she'll like. Her mum has been and still is abusive towards her.

The fact is, OP, that you will never make this woman happy and the more you try the more you'll lose something of yourself.

Are there any benefits to you to being in contact with her?

Lunde · 22/02/2020 14:42

shudup - Arthritica If you read my posts, you would see that I live in a different country (think this is the third time I've mentioned it now), so a plant pot from Waitrose is not an option.

I live in a foreign country and one of my standard gifts to my hard to please mother are flowers, plants, arrangements ordered online and delivered by M&S. You can also get gift cards, booze presents delivered in the UK

I think you need to detach emotionally from trying to please your Mother by giving her a "useful" gift and just order something generic online that takes no headspace (flowers, gift card, Oxfam goat etc). She will always be abusive and will never be pleased so why tie yourself in knots

But just as an aside I think buying "flattering" fat clothes or medical equipment as gifts is very tricky - it may come across as a passive aggressive statement,

Josette77 · 22/02/2020 16:12

I think if I'm remembering correctly your DD lives with your mum. I would just focus on your DD and ignore your mum. Send your DD gifts and speak with her, and you don't need to bother with your mum since it is triggering for you.

HorseGallopingOnATomato · 22/02/2020 17:11

@BirdandSparrow Hope you don’t mind my asking, how does the grey rock technique work when you’re often not in one-to-one interactions? It’s really clear what to do if you only ever see/speak to this person on their own, but if it’s a member of your family, you can be as neutral and grey rockish as you like alone with them but you don’t want to appear sullen and boring at family gatherings, with mutual friends etc. They’ll hear what you’ve actually be doing through other people. They’ll elicit responses from you in front of other people who might well accuse you of being part of the problem if you’re not quite yourself. How do people get round this?

OP, I really, really feel for you. I’m in a very similar position and I really hope with your therapy you can find peace with all this. I’m working on the same thing!