Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

Oh but presents are complex and loaded with meaning! I sympathise, OP. I have a mum who does the ‘but I never go anywhere to wear that’ thing. Offer to take her somewhere, there’s a million reasons why not. Don’t bother with a birthday gift and expect an epic sulk. She compliments me on my perfume but if I get her any it’s left to go off in the bottle as she ‘has nowhere to wear it’. When I say ‘just enjoy it every day’ it’s as if I’ve suggested she dance naked in the streets. In her case there is a weird martyr thing going on. You sound angry with your mum and she sounds trying. She’s asking you for something you can’t give her and vice versa. A card and voucher or flowers is one way of taking the energy out of this, maybe? If you know she’ll dismiss the effort, measure the effort.

What about a voucher for a an ironing service. I got my mum a voucher last Christmas, he loved it. £50 got her three loads of washing and ironing done. She was really pleased.

^This is absolute genius! I want this for myself!

If she says she wants nothing, take her at her word and give her what she asks. Send or take a card so she knows you haven't forgotten. If you're doomed to get it wrong anyway, save the money, or you could spend it on a treat for yourself as a reward for trying all this time!

We're in different countries and she would not enjoy a spa day. I got her a voucher for a beauty salon before and she gave it away.

Fwiw, imo a silver cake slice is an innocuous and fairly universally useful present. I love having a cake slice

But not for Christmas cake?
A serrated edge knife.

You sound like bloody hard work.
She said ‘thank you’, what more is there to say? Do you want her to constantly fawn about your presents every time she speaks to you?

Whatever she says, you turn it around to be negative. Just leave her be.
I’m so glad I’m not your mum, my tongue would be in bits from constantly being bitten.

Why don't you just get her a nice bunch of flowers - delivered ones.

She says she doesn't want anything so take her at her word that there isn't really anything she wants.

My mum would never wear a waterfall
Cardigan and neither would she use a tens machine (despite also being in pain).

Buy her something she wants. Ask her for some ideas or take her shopping

She is abusive ! So nothing will
Make her happy

Just give her cash in an envelope and explore how you can give her less head space

@shudup I totally get where you’re coming from. I could never please my mum with gifts either, and she would often say things about them, like cashmere socks were itchy, whilst wearing a lot of really itchy wool stuff. I kept trying, then gave up, bought her chocolates and spent my money on therapy about my horrible parents!

Just buy her flowers that's what I'm doing for my mom

Oh, and mine would also say she wanted nothing but that would have been Very Bad too

But not for Christmas cake?
A serrated edge knife.

It was actually Romantica we were having lol.

She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

This is how clothes can be a judgmental present, OP.

I do sympathise with you, please don’t think I don’t. I can see you feel hurt and rejected by this issue and I feel for you on that emotional level.
I’m just saying those gifts are quite specific on taste and usefulness.
You think she takes too much Nurofen, she doesn’t. You think she should use a TENS machine, she’s not arsed about it because she’s happy taking her Nurofen.

Flowers.
Everyone likes flowers and most of us have no need for more “stuff” no matter how thoughtful.

I agree, ask her if there is anything she would like.

Presents bought in response t being overweight and being in pain

Just get her chocolates or a food hamper. No thought required, if she's abusive she doesn't really deserve it anyway. If she complains, just throw it back at her thar she doesn't use the other stuff so you'll just get what she will use or at least doesn't waste your money. Then change the subject.

Send her a book token
Best present in the world (no one ever gives me book tokens, unfortunately)
Then you don't have to think about it.
Also, dont ask if she has used it. Allow yourself to believe she has used and enjoyed it.You're just asking for a kicking otherwise.
Bright breezy card with a 10 quid book token. She can't say you haven't remembered
You are over invested and it's as if you are looking for evidence of being unloved
That way misery lies

So many people seem to be supporting an abusive Mother, it's very depressing.

@shudup, I don’t think your mum is being fair to you. Does your sister have a better relationship with her?
This is not your fault, I think you are trying to give a thoughtful presents, but as pp say, nothing you can give will be right. This is about her, not you. I feel for you.

You've gone over and above your duties as a daughter, and I would say just a bunch of flowers (petrol station will do) or some simple toiletries. Cheap.

I would suggest these are two separate issues. If your mother is and was abusive you need to think about why you are having contact with her? I empathise my DP were psychologically abusive. Dsis and I have ended up in different situations. I got out (luck rather than judgement if I'm honest) for 15 years I have refused to allow anything less than the M25 between our living spaces. I can manage Low contact but that's it.

Dsis in the other hand stayed. Again bad luck. What i will say is she rather reacts like this about presents. I dont like my dsis remotely but entirely recognise spending her life around people screw your head up does this to a person. She point scores incessantly. Shes an unhappy and toxic person and entirely relies on external validation. Ultimately if you haven't used a present and waxed lyrical about how lovely it is , then she throws a fit.

Again I was extremely lucky , I got out , it landed me amongst people who taught me to give without strings (a massive massive issue in my childhood, nothing was given without invisible strings ....it took me a very long time to understand how unhealthy that is)

It's not about justifying your abuser at all, it's about recognising the level of impact they have on your world view.

I strongly suggest you find a way to separate because these relationships can really really damage you.

Think logically and stand back about what are saying .....you are bemoaning that you didn't get the expected (your internally created expectation) response and then reacting purely because if an expectation you created ...I'd bet my life that behaviour comes from the abuse.

I really do get it OP, my dm has constantly played my dsis off each other and the only way to win that game is not to play. I detest the person my dsis has become she is truly vile , however I refuse to play the game with dm. I deliberately always respond with how nice it was of my dsis to do " insert action here ".

I am getting therapy for the abusive childhood and ongoing abuse.

I think I really need to go NC and to forget that I have a mother. It has been suggested by professionals before. I'm just still a little girl inside sometimes and need her. Invariably she disappoints me, but look, I'm a grown woman now.

This thread has been hard to read in some ways, because the nice things you've suggested such as spa days or theatre etc, are the things that I see other Mums and daughters do and envy. It would never happen with us. She's violent (particularly to me), so she can be dangerous. So in that respect I hate her. Then there are times when I'm feeling strong and I feel sorry for her and I want to cheer her up. But nothing works anyway. Lots more therapy required I think!

Im in my 60s. I'd rather have a book or my favourite bath products (or a voucher)