Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

'The OP has a violent and abusive Mum, why are some posters not taking this on board and saying stupid things!'

Because she has said she can't go NC at the moment, she seems to want to buy a present of some description so posters are acknowledging that and suggesting she keeps it simple, a token gift that is all that is needed. Not for her abusive mums sake but for her own.

Wine, perfume, chocolates, vouchers.

Don't buy medical treatments or weight hiding clothes.

YABU to think she will do anything other than continue to abuse you.

If you choose to maintain in contact with her you will continue to be abused. If you can explain the elephant then maybe we can help you?

I completely understand. My mother is exactly the same. I’ve spent to much time chosing ‘please like me’ presents, yet nothing is ever good enough. We live in different countries too. Even when she visits she finds it hard to be pleasant, grateful. Sadly though, she harps in about how amazing lunch with my sister was and what a thoughtful present my sister got her. I literally don’t bother anymore.

People are missing the point shes abusive you could buy her a car she wouldnt appreciate it

cut your losses op

That grey rock link you sent is really good!

I didn't want to use narcissistic as I feel it's overused on here and I think most people haven't a clue about the depravity of the people with it - so it's used for every shitbag asshole whereas it's actually unimaginable what they're capable of. She's also not formally diagnosed with it. But she is one. Even my brother agrees. Sister much closer to her (different upbringing due to age difference and parents splitting up).

She may think the cardigan is you saying she’s overweight and the TENS machine is you judging her for taking too much medication.

It doesn’t sound like you have a good relationship or a lot of money.

I’d go for a plant and a bottle of wine from now on.

When you give someone a gift you cease to have control over it. It becomes someone else's property to do with as they wish. End. Of. Story.

You need something that looks thoughtful so she's happy, but don't put too much thought into it, so you are happy. And don't spend too much money because you know this is going into the wardrobe and not coming back out
https://www.marksandspencer.com/textured-round-neck-short-sleeve-knitted-top/p/clp60217254?image=SD011T3849288F0XXEC90&color=NAVY&prevPage=srp

Because she has said she can't go NC at the moment, she seems to want to buy a present of some description so posters are acknowledging that and suggesting she keeps it simple, a token gift that is all that is needed. Not for her abusive mums sake but for her own

Saying things like "you don't like her very much" is stupid and not in the least helpful.

From today - I AM A ROCK, i AM AN IIIIISSSSSSSLAND!

Take the money you’d spend on a present and buy yourself something nice. Then at least you are happy.

Stop expecting any specific reaction to the things you gift her. Stop giving her things in expectation of getting any specific reaction. Grow up! Invest less in this relationship if it isn't a healthy one OP.

I say this a lot, so apologies for repeating myself, but it can be really liberating to realise that there is no happy ending here. The ideal, close and loving relationship that you crave is simply never going to happen.

Given this fact, you have two choices; you can tell her in advance that you don't want to exchange presents any more, or you can send a small token gift in the full knowledge that you may well be handing her a stick to beat you with. But above all, you need to think about why you care so much about pleasing her. She is violent and abusive, her good opinion is worth nothing. It sounds like she has some sort of hold over you which stops you from breaking contact. Unless she had custody of my child, nothing would make me try so hard with a violent abuser.

I once bought a TENS machine for my mother too. She had been moaning for months about how she couldn't afford one and the agony she was in. I went without a few things and bought her one and she refused to even try it. Turns out, she didn't want the problem solved, she just enjoyed the moaning. Truly, the difference now I no longer care about pleasing her is amazing. I spent decades trying to make my mother like me and it was all wasted.

Redlocks28

I live in a different country. She doesn't drink wine. Just gin. No point buying her a bottle of gin, as it's on her shopping list every week. It would be like buying her a bottle of Fairy liquid.
Anyway, hard though this thread has been (particularly reading posts from posters with normal mothers and people who haven't read my responses), I've decided I'm going to be a rock.

She's also not formally diagnosed with it. But she is one. Even my brother agrees. Same here. But it doesn't really matter whether she has NPD or not. The point is she treats you as someone with NPD would and you don't have to put up with that.
If you really can't go NC (and I do understand feeling you can't, I've been there....but at the end of the day, usually you can, you just don't feel you can), then reduce contact as much as possible and more importantly, reduce your emotional investment...which is where grey rock and bland presents you don't enquire about come in.

joystir - Funnily enough, given your responses, I would suggest that you're the one who needs to grow up.

I think they are thoughtful gifts - those waterfall cardigans are lovely, and grey is a colour which can complement any other.

If she says she doesn't want anything, either get her nothing, or buy vouchers so she can choose her own gift.

In my experience people who haven't had a abusive parents just can't understand what it's like. So they always think you're being unreasonable to criticise them. I knew before I got to the end of your OP that your mother was narcissistic (which I take as having that tendency, not the same as being diagnosed with NPD, which is a different order of PD) and probably abusive.

She won't change, and it is deliberate both to praise your sister's presents and not use yours. Stop playing her game. Don't look for appreciation. Just give what you can afford to, practically and emotionally. Try not to expect anything back. She knows you see through her and can't bear that.

Or you could buy a special gin - violet gin is bloody gorgeous nice, and so are many of the gins from the small craft distilleries (I recommend Poetic License in Sunderland - I'm sure they'd ship abroad.)

I say this a lot, so apologies for repeating myself, but it can be really liberating to realise that there is no happy ending here. The ideal, close and loving relationship that you crave is simply never going to happen. Totally agree. It's a hard realisation, but it's what frees you in the end.

I'm going to be a rock Good for you. It's like that bit in War Games...the only way to win is not to play. If you can go NC, withdraw as much as possible, especially emotionally.

And have a read of Stately Homes. I really feel for you, it's hard having a mother like this. xx

She is abusive ! So nothing will Make her happy

Exactly this. I understand your need for approval/her love. Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ll never get that validation, so stop bothering, OP. She’s STILL abusive to you and you keep going back for more.

It helps talking to my dbro and therapy. But, things are not as simple as they seem.

She likes gin. Give her gin. Job done.

This is about you ticking that box and moving on.

I feel sad when I see other people talk about their Mums as their best friend. She is and always has been my nemesis.