Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

And Pictish - what sort of present would you like?

She's 68 (soon to be 69) and is a cleaner in a school.

Maybe she mentioned the shirt as she hasn't worn that either? Possibly struggling with instructions for tens machine. My dh acts like I am suggesting witchcraft for suggesting vitamin c for a cold. Some people just dont try things.

Not sending a gift at all is quite a statement. I wouldn't go there without having a conversation first at least. What about gift voucher, chocolate or flowers?

If someone says they don’t want anything then don’t get them anything. It really doesn’t get much simpler

I imagine your mother mentioned the white shirt your sister bought her thinking it would look nice with the waterfall jacket you bought.

It's a bit wintery, she will probably wear both when the weather improves. She'll be imagining herself dressed in those co-ordinated items of clothing.

A bit of both. They're not great presents, and she can't be bothered to pretend to like them because she's not worried about upsetting you.

I've mentioned the chocolate and flowers. She sends me cash, so buying a voucher would be like - here's a hundred quid - oh thanks, here's a hundred quid for you!

OP I totally understand where you're coming from.
I usually buy my mum M&S trousers because I know which she wears, I also bought her perfume and a pen. This Xmas she bought herself the same style in a different shop and was effusive about them although the ones I bought her are better quality.
She also told me repeatedly the thoughtful ( and expensive)gifts she had bought for my siblings.

I am honest enough to admit I am bitter as my gift was an M&S gift card that my cousins had sent to her, taken out of her handbag on xmas morning when she 'realised' she hadnt bought me anything.
She didn't even know how much money was on it.
She's getting high street vouchers from me next Xmas. I refuse to put any more effort in when she doesn't even think about me.

I think I'll just let it go and not bother anymore. I seem to get it wrong anyway.

She was and still is abusive to me.

Get her nothing and go very low/no contact. Honestly life is too short to be consumed with arseholes.

A nice candle or some luxe body lotion. A beautiful smelling diffuser.

She was and still is abusive to me

That is the key phrase. That and she plays us off against each other.

It's entirely possible she's told your sister that you bought her a lovely cardigan, while your sister thinks she's never worn that nice white shirt she bought her. And so on...

Given the state of your relationship I'd stick to generic gifts with a price limit from now on. Flowers and chocs.

And just treat any comments about presents she gets from someone else as chit-chat 'Oh that's nice Mum'. Not a personal slight against your choice.

I think the kery here is to acknowledge that this is causing you stress because you are hoping that choosing the right present will resolve something.

It almost certainly won't.

Getting her nothing could escalate things, so think carefully about that. If you are reducing contact more broadly then stopping gifts could be part of that, but on its own it could just leave you feeling bad and her having something extra to moan about.

Re flowers - I know you rejected this earlier but its a standard gift and if she complains then that sits entirely with her. In two weeks they'll be in the compost, drama over.

With reference to the gobbling away at your insides - if she's not popping Nurofen, she's popping Rennies.

your yearning once again for an abuive parent to not be then.if she is abusive this will only be a carry on of that.and you are still the child that cant let go and wants her to love you.let it go.its still her causing you harm.
thats not said in a bad way op.every child would want this and it doesnt go just because you grow up.only when you let go.

My MIL can be very dismissive of gifts. I used to get upset about it because I try to put a lot of thought into presents. She is the type of person who has no filter, and she's opened a gift from me, immediately said, "Oh thankyou, but I won't use that", and handed it to my daughter! She's also immediately put gifts on the top shelf of the 'stuff' cupboard upon opening. I've tried jewellery, clothing (both night and day), vouchers from a shop she can't afford to go to regularly, all sorts. She likes a whiskey and she smokes so now, for xmas, bday and mothers day, I get her a bottle, a couple of packs of cigs, and put together a small hamper of practical hygiene products. I don't even think about it any more, and tbh she wouldn't care if I didn't bother with the hamper. Sometimes, you just can't win. I'd go with vouchers and forget it.

I think you're all missing the bit about them having a strained relationship because the mother WAS and IS ABUSIVE to the OP.

@shudup my mum is awful too and we're not even in contact any more because of it. If you feel you should get her something, just send a voucher or a bunch of flowers from now on and leave it at that.

Sounds like you're trying too hard. I don't mean that in a horrible way. I mean you're being kind and thoughtful and she's not appreciating it. I'd just start buying her vouchers and say "I thought you could choose your own gift this year. Let me know what you get." Then try not to give it much more thought. If she goes on about a sibling's nicer gift you can just say, "How lovely. Maybe you could get x to go with it with the voucher I bought."

You sound quite critical of your mum
So in a nutshell you don’t like your Mother

Do you know anything about abusive parents at all?

My mum’s an ungrateful arse when it comes to presents. Presents are not her “love language”. She is also terrible at buying and giving presents. They’re just not important to her. She insists she doesn’t want anything but I keep buying perishables - wine, chocolate, flowers etc just because I like to give.

Um well...as an outdoorsy person, I always appreciate good quality hiking or running socks because they are expensive and I never have enough. They are socks so it doesn’t matter what they look like.

I’m not sure why knowing what I would like helps you. I can’t imagine anyone nailing any other item of clothing for me because I’m picky. I won’t wear it just because the giver wants me to.

I think the kery here is to acknowledge that this is causing you stress because you are hoping that choosing the right present will resolve something. It almost certainly won't.

Absolutely. It's hard to let go of wanting a parent to love you, even if they are abusive to you.

Sounds like you have already made your mind up to not buy her anything, so don't really understand the point of the tread. But from what I've read she enjoyed the experiences people have brought her, maybe book an afternoon tea or spa day for you both. When you get older you really don't want more stuff, anything you did want you have probably already brought yourself.

Insane amount of support on this thread for the abusive mother and little to none for her victim who is desperately trying to please her and being knocked down. Honestly what. The. Fuck.

OP don't buy anything for her ungrateful arse anymore and if she asks why not, tell her. Look after yourself

Because pictish I suppose I wanted solutions not criticism. It's easy to say 'I wouldn't appreciate that' - well what would you bloody appreciate then??