Are my presents crap or is my DM purposefully not using them?

[shudup]

Don't ask me why this is bothering me this morning - for that alone I'm probably being unreasonable.

This year for Christmas I got her a grey linen waterfall sort of cardigan thingy - it was quite expensive. I've asked several times whether she has worn it yet and her response is always 'Oh I haven't been anywhere yet'. On one occasion though she did mention 'Your dsis got me a lovely white shirt' Almost as if to say that my present was worth less to her than my thoughtful present. She is overweight and I thought it would be flattering.

Last year I got her a tens machine as she suffers badly from pains in her hips and eats Nurofen like smarties. She hasn't used that either! I got it because Nurofen gobbles away at your insides, and figured something that's not going through your system would be healthier.

To me they're thoughtful gifts, but they just seem to get thrown in the top of the wardrobe as 'shudup's presents'. No matter what I buy, there's no gratitude - just a perfunctory 'thank you' when asked whether she got something (we live in different countries).

Her birthday is coming up - WIBU to not get her anything?

She never appears appreciative. What's the point if it's going to waste? I'm not flush, so I'm sacrificing something for myself whenever I spend money.

I just get the feeling that because we have a very strained relationship (she was and still is abusive to me), that she is purposely not using them - because they came from me.

AIBU?

[Imok]

TBH, you sound as though you want an excuse not to give her anything. If that's how you feel, it's probably best that you don't give gifts in future.
FWIW, I hate people buying me clothes - I am overweight and like to choose clothes that fit, that are a style and colour I like and that don't feel like a judgement on my size. I also have a condition that causes pain. I have had numerous presents given over the years because the giver 'hopes it helps with the pain'. Whilst I appreciate the thought, it just makes it all the more depressing to feel that people define me by my condition rather than my personality.
Actually, I like to get money - I am at an age where I have most of the things I want / need and anything I don't already have is usually too expensive to ask for as a present for example, upgraded tablet, good quality watch, piece of original artwork etc. Over the past few years I've asked for money to buy those items and I love looking at them and knowing that they were a gift from the whole family. So, maybe your mum would prefer the money?

[GetOffYourHighHorse]

Parents can be hard to buy for, they often don't need anything or particularly want anything either.
Just stop overthinking it and as others have said buy bog standard birthday presents such as flowers, chocolates and wine.

[Nowayorhighway]

Clothing is a risky present, it just is. My DH bought me a coat and some new trainers for Christmas that were returned the following day. I could have pretended to like them and wore them anyway but I really hated them. It’s too easy to miss the mark with clothing, even if you think it’s something they’d like.

The TENS machine is thoughtful and lovely of you but if she hadn’t asked for it specifically then again, may have missed the mark. Present giving can be a minefield, it’s easier just to ask what people want.

[Scabetty]

I can see that her acknowledgement of your gifts would mean a lot to you but she just won’t give you that. It must seem deliberate to you because you are trying to repair damage and she won’t meet you half way. I don’t think you are wrong to stop sending gifts unless she specifically gives you ideas. Often our best efforts are just not received in the manner they are given and stepping back is a good reaction.

[AnnaMagnani]

The solution is to realise there is no solution.

As she is abusive, any present you pick will be wrong. So the only way to pick the 'right present' is for you to stop caring about what the present is and her opinion of it.

Spend the money you have saved on counselling.

[Myshitisreal]

I feel your pain op. My mother is a complete nightmare to buy for, she has this face she pulls like a grimace, she can't hide her disdain, yet she buys herself everything as she needs it (addictive). She refuses to not swap presents as it's depressing apparently. Very sad to see so many support the abusive mother. Sending 🤗

[WitsEnding]

If she says she doesn't want anything, she doesn't want anything! It's really annoying and controlling when people give you stuff anyway and then expect you to make room in your house/life/wardrobe for it.

Flowers only.

[shudup]

There is another elephant in the room reason why I have to maintain contact with her, but I'm not going to put that on here.

[LagunaBubbles]

The OP has a violent and abusive Mum, why are some posters not taking this on board and saying stupid things!

OP I get it. Keep going with your therapy. Buying your Mum anything will not change the fact she's abusive and always will be. Buying her presents will not make her the Mum you wish she was and is and just serves to make you feel worse.

[alislim]

My mother is similarly ungrateful. Never see her using any gifts. She never says thanks.
I've now resorted to just getting her completely generic gifts then I don't feel as hurt. She won't change. Nor will your mum x

[EnidBlyton]

Op please dont try and please your dm with expensive presents. this is what you are doing.
glad you are having therapy. i am sure they woudl say the same thing

[LagunaBubbles]

witsending

Anyone that has any knowledge of abusive relationship can see OP is trying to please an abusive parent, she's not trying to be controlling.

[Coolcucumber2020]

You’ve said you don’t have a good relationship and that you feel she is abusive. Fair enough I don’t know your life enough to know.

However from the specific actions you’ve put here, I’d say YABU. I would feel quite controlled and stifled if someone got me a present and then asked several times if I had worn it or used it. I’m fussy but that is okay to be fussy, and it is okay to not use a present even if the giver has put thought into it. You give and then you leave alone.

[BirdandSparrow]

I think you need to have a think about stopping contact with her. I think you'll find if you do your mental health will improve. You don't need to even announce it, just disappear suddenly or gradually. You could start by not sending anything the next time there is a birthday.
I would suggest you have a look at the Stately Homes threads on the relationships section too, there are people there who understand what it's like to have a parent like this.

[vhs95]

My sister and I never meet up and, at her suggestion, decided a few years back to stop exchanging gifts for birthdays and Christmas - we don't really 'know' each other any more and it's been liberating not to have to worry the way you do. It might be worth trying it if she says 'don't buy me anything'?

[mumwon]

I like cardigans but I am fussy about them - waterfall cardigans are often very thin & they are tricky to wear (to long to go under some winter jackets for instance, &a bit in the way if your doing something in the kitchen) she hasn't said she dislikes it but I suspect she feels it not an everyday item. I really wouldn't get to upset by it as clothes are very personal - note - she hasn't said she doesn't like it & as pp said, she maybe playing one of you against the other - just let it go.

[shudup]

I think you need to have a think about stopping contact with her. I think you'll find if you do your mental health will improve

If only things were so simple.

[Quicklittlenamechange]

Cant believe anyone thinks yabu!
I dont think posters are getting that the DM is abusive .
Its not about the presents!🙄
OP whatever you get your DM will be wrong, so stop trying to please her.
Buy a suitable generic gift , chocs, flowers and send it.
Then step away .
Agree that therapy/counselling will help.
Also look up the "Golden child" ( your DSis by the sounds of it)

[BirdandSparrow]

There is another elephant in the room reason why I have to maintain contact with her, but I'm not going to put that on here Then use the grey rock technique www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
Just organise a delivery of a bunch of flowers for each birthday/christmas. Give no thought to her response and don't ask if she liked it.
You're trying to please an abusive parent and you can't. Nothing will ever be right, or good enough and it just gives her sticks to beat you with or make you feel useless. The only way to "win" is not to play.

[AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore]

I think others have said correctly that you can't win here: it's likely given your relationship that no present will be 'quite right'. I think you have chosen some difficult presents (my dh who knows me better than everyone often gets clothing gifts wrong!) but I don't think thats the key issue here: the problem is you are putting in thought and then being upset that thought isn't valued. You can't change her - but you can change your thought process. Stop putting so much effort in - chose a store she likes, buy a voucher or a generic gift - nothing too personal, nothing too expensive. Or - depending on your relationships with siblings could you ask a sibling if you can go in with them on a joint present - you'll add £x, they chose, joint card?

[pictish]

I do agree with witsending.

Dh has a kind, thoughtful and generous aunt who I love...but she keeps buying me tat and trinkets that I don’t want and have no houseroom for. She also buys me clothing I never wear, bags I don’t like and loads of stationery I don’t need. I have tried to diplomatically put her off from giving me this stuff but she likes to give, so she keeps doing it. I have to find somewhere to put the unwanted guff or feel a right git for getting rid of it straightaway. It turns a seemingly nice thing into a chore and a stress that I didn’t ask for.

[IndigoSkye]

I've not rtft and someone else may have already said this. When I'm given a gift I make a fuss of it and am grateful for it even if it's not what I would have chosen for myself because I appreciate that someone has taken the time and effort to give me a present and I want them to feel it's appreciated.
I wonder if you could give your mum the most perfect present and she would not tell you she has used it or that she likes it. I am wondering whether your mother has a problem feeling she is not worthy of presents and finds it hard to acknowledge them. You said she is a bit of a martyr and receiving thoughtful gifts would maybe not fit with her sense of self.
Alternatively she could consciously or unconsciously withholding her appreciation as some form of dynamic with in your relationship. I wonder what sort of pay off she may get from that. Maybe she likes you asking whether she has used these things and the response she gets when she says no.
I don't think it's about you or the actual presents you are giving her, I'm not saying you shouldn't give her gifts but maybe just get her a small gift and don't expect anything in the form of appreciation back. I wouldn't even ask about them after they'd been given. I'm sorry this is how your mum is with you. Am sure it is more about her than you.

[LannieDuck]

I wonder if your sister gets the flip side of this - i.e. gives her a lovely white shirt and your mum says "I haven't had any chance to wear it yet... but shudup got me a lovely cardigan...!"

[pictish]

Oh and I’m not comparing you (OP) with dh’s aunt. I know it’s not the same at all. I’m just going on the practicality (or not) of unwanted ‘stuff’.

[Ellisandra]

You d said she’s abusive. Enough for you to be in counselling. So suggestions are pointless.

Either stop contact - I expect it’s more simple than you think.

Or - say, “mum, I never seem to choose something you like, and there’s so much clutter in the world... I don’t want to get things you don’t like, so let’s stop presents altogether between us.”

If you’re not up to that - do exactly the £100 swap that you mentioned. Whatever cash she gives you, give the exact amount back as a gift voucher. Department store (I want to say John Lewis but it sounds like she’s in Ireland) or Amazon. Something wide ranging, anyway. If she complains that she won’t use it - “save it for when you’re buying gifts yourself then.”