Having children to take care of you in old age

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

I want to know how to articulate why this is is wrong.

In recent years as her kids have flown the nest my mum has started going on about this a lot. She’s always saying how parents do so much for their children when they’re young so it’s their children’s duty to do the same when they’re old. I think she believes that in every relationship you should get back as much as you put in. She’s been a housewife her whole life and in recent years does a fair bit of care for her own mother. She tells me about people she knows who are unwell but their kids are busy working and raising their own families. Obviously neglecting your parents when they’re old isn’t right but people have their own lives and are entitled to live them. I think part of the problem may be that she’s never had a life outside of caring. When I tell her I don’t expect this from my children and want them to have their own happy, fulfilled lives she says I will only understand when they grow up, leave and then need them.

It's more selfish to expect your child to give up their life for you.

As I said, I know we shouldn't totally sacrifice our lives for others but I just feel the pendulum has swung too far and people are a lot more selfish these days.

Why is everything so either/or on MN? I've not said children should be expected to give up their lives for their parents. I agree that would be selfish.

I don't think children should be expected to provide personal care or be there 24/7 but to have them organise care for their parent, should they need it, and make sure they are being properly cared for isn't too much to ask. It isn't too much to expect regular frequent contact (even if they're on the other side of the world they could make sure skype/facetime is set up).

Where there are a few children, IME, it usually comes down to one of them to do the most while the others just go off and live their lives. It would be nice if everyone did their bit and spread the helping around so there isn't a huge burden on anyone.

The reality is, without family to look out for you, you are likely to be totally up shit creek in old age. Not that many of us are prepared to just leave our parents to die of neglect thankfully, and for those that are there is usually a reason.

My son is 40 this year, I'm 62. He is as much use as a chocolate teapot!

I am single, no kids. I always laugh when I hear someone say "But if you have no kids, who will look after you when you are old?". There is no guarantee that your kids will look after you!!!

I live in a small community where we help each other out. Neighbours I've only known a couple of years are more helpful than either of our families

Show her the Elderly Parents threads.

I do not want my dc to care for me in my older years, I want them to live their lives. I witnessed a relative on my dh side go out of her way to get her dc to care for her, really messed with her life and theirs. It was quite tragic really. We choose to bring our children into the world they owe us nothing.

We have my mil living with us in her own almost self contained flat, and we support her with shopping washing and cleaning. When she needs help with personal care we will bring in carer/nurses. We are supposed to look after each other but we are also not supposed to be burdensome.

phoenixrosehere You are buying into the myth that people have control over their health.When elderly people become unwell they are not payi g fot their earlier lifestyle choices. E eryo e has age relted problems in the end and some people with poor ljfestyles die suddenly and fairly young. It is pretty random whether someone will need long term support and care or not. Personally I would not want caring for me in old age to become a burden to my children. I would prefer to have paid carers or a nursing home. I hope they would visit me because they wanted to and keep an eye out that I was being treated okay. I hope I don't get a condition that causes me to behave unpleasantly and that if I do they can remember that it is beyond my control and not let it get to them.

They may not look after you but the majority will look out for you. Not necessarily your kids either, but nephews, nieces, children of cousins. A colleague of mine is spending this weekend helping her mother's aunt move into sheltered accommodation closer to family after she was systematically targeted by con men to the tune of 40k. And this was a woman (the aunt) who was a secondary school head and totally independent til she reached her late 80s. Previous to this, my colleague had met the woman twice.

My greatest wish for my sons is that they have happy productive lives and the total freedom to do whatever they want. If either of them even gave a hint they might consider caring for me in their old age I would be very firm in saying no. I'd rather go and live in a retirement complex or care home than be an obligation to them. My happiness is in their freedom.

I think caring for elderly parents in some capacity should be considered by children if the parents have provided a loving childhood. There should be some sense of duty (not martyrdom though).

I plan to have my mum in a granny anix on the side of my house when the time comes. I will help with food shopping and cleaning of the house etc. But I expect we would both be more comfortable if personal care was provided by outside carers.

Attitudes towards the elderly in the west are quite poor. As someone with Asian heritage the elderly members are seen as the nucleus of the family.

I think caring for elderly parents in some capacity should be considered by children if the parents have provided a loving childhood

I think this is the bare minimum. What is really relevant imo is whether the parent has continued supporting, in whatever way, their dc in adulthood. It's pretty awful imo to accept GPS childcare, financial support, house deposit etc then not help them.

@Paintedmaypole

I am not buying into any myth. My comment was only in reference to what the OP’s mother said. Yes, there are illnesses that come with getting older, genetics play a part in some, and things just happen, but lifestyle choice can and do play a part. Nowhere did I say that it was the cause for all aging or elderly parents.

porcupineinwaiting I really like the differentiation between looking after and looking out for. No one should have to give up their life to provde care but it is reasonable that they would look out for a parent and protect them from ill treatment or exploitation.

I hate this. I would never expect DC to look after me.
I didn't have DC for them to look after me when I'm old.
Chuck me in a home, try visit me at least once a week and enjoy your life. I wouldn't want to be a burden on them.

It is selfish to expect it or expect not to.

My mum who always heavily criticised old folks who expected this and how she wasnt going to bloody well do it and didnt expect anyone to help her etc etc when younger ... is very happy to have me transport her to appointments, come over for lunch or other outings and occasional help with this and that and I do it. I love her and my children love having her as part of our lives ... of course luckily she hasnt got dementia and can still do a lot for herself even with q impaired mobility. I do think of all the days she worked extra so I could do my hobbies and activities and all the holidays and home improvements they didnt have to support me in travelling around pursuing these and all the lovely roast dinners and help they gave me when I moved into my first home and when the children were little ... so I also feel it is a bit of quid pro quo especially now my DF has passed away.

If circumstances were different and we lived further away or I was working full time or had younger children it would impact significantly what I could do.

My grandmother looked after her mother who lived with her. My mother looked after my grandmother and with grandad made sure she was visited daily when due to advanced alzheimers she spent her last years in a geriatric mental health home. I expect to ensure my mother is well cared for if and when she needs it. It's one's duty.

I said that to DH's mother once and she retorted sharply "I would never expect my daughters to look after me". Both daughters moved to the other side of the world after uni and one couldn't be arsed to put herself out for her father's funeral because it would have been too stressful for a short trip. The same one who has visited twice in 25 years and doesn't call her mother on Christmas day. They were well cared for as children.

MIL did sweet fa for her own parents whilst her sisters who had teenaged children did every other weekend each, driving 200 or so miles each way. MIL helped a couole of times a year in extremis. Because she was the eldest and had done her bit as a teenager by babysitting.

DH visits his mother once a month for a weekend to make sure the heavy shopping is in, house is ok and to open and deal with the post/bills, etc.

When I am old I would like my dc to visit regularly and make sure if I need it that my care is optimal, which will be funded by me. I think better care is given if relatives actively keep an eye on the quality.

If I get to the stage where I can't wipe my own bottom I hope to be assisted by dignitas. I wouldn't let a dog go through what my grandmother was reduced to in the latter stages of alzheimers.

Personally I don't think it's morally right for childrwn to abdicate all responsibility for their parents.

phoenixrose fair enough if you are referring to a specific person but bear in mind that sometimes people who have looked after themselves live longer with chronicconditions.

DH and I moved from Germany to the UK 20 years ago. Our parents are now in their Eighties.

My mum already said years back that she would never expect me to care for her, she has seen the effect on my aunt who cared for my grandmother. She is more than willing to pack up and move to a care home if needed.

Luckily in our case they do have enough private funds and pension to be able to pay for care if needed, so far they manage without anything regular.

It gets bad when they are ill, last year DH was prepared to drop everything and fly over as FIL was quite ill and it wasn't exactly sure how to treat him. But that wouldn't be different if you are on one side of the country and they are on the other, previously in Germany there were 6 hours motorway between home and childhood town.

Guilt-tripping children to care because the parents cared for them when they were children is absolutely the worst you can do a as a parent.

I have childless elderly relatives who assume i'll be happy to help them when they get older...as my own parents are dead. Oh how I laugh....

I do think this is interestingly, my parents did take in my grandmother once she couldn't live independently and looked after her until she needed more lifting/nursing care, that they were unable to provide, and which point she went in a home and had daily visits from her 3 DCs.

On the other hand, as my mum had me a bit later than my grandmother had her, and then I had my DCs in my 30s, this means if my mum can't live independently at the same age my Grandmother couldn't live independently, I'll have 2 DCs still at secondary school, and no spare room. And while my DB and I went to Uni for free (he even was old enough to get a grant), we assume we'll need to fund our DCs, so just at the point we really need to be building savings, will still have a mortgage.

At the stage my grandmother needed care, my DB and I had left home, my parents were mortgage free and were on the wind down to retirement anyway. (With final salary pensions they could take from 55)

I don't see that I'll be able to do care myself without asking my DCs to have a lower standard of living in their secondary school years than I had.

@Paintedmaypole

I know this already due to experience. thank you for your assumption due to no evidence of what I do or don’t know or need to bear in mind. 🙂