Having children to take care of you in old age

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

I want to know how to articulate why this is is wrong.

In recent years as her kids have flown the nest my mum has started going on about this a lot. She’s always saying how parents do so much for their children when they’re young so it’s their children’s duty to do the same when they’re old. I think she believes that in every relationship you should get back as much as you put in. She’s been a housewife her whole life and in recent years does a fair bit of care for her own mother. She tells me about people she knows who are unwell but their kids are busy working and raising their own families. Obviously neglecting your parents when they’re old isn’t right but people have their own lives and are entitled to live them. I think part of the problem may be that she’s never had a life outside of caring. When I tell her I don’t expect this from my children and want them to have their own happy, fulfilled lives she says I will only understand when they grow up, leave and then need them.

@sallyWD out of curiosity do you live 100s of miles away from his family? Would he need to move back home when his parents can't look after themselves?

I do think the whole Asian culture is different though. They're very family orientated their whole lives (including many British born Asian families) rather than just when their parents get old. I think that's the difference.

Jelly .Similar situation with my mum.I help with childcare of DGCs yet my very elderly,frail mum refuses to use the attendance allowance we got for her to have any outside help.She doesn't want it and she can manage - her words.Except she can't so myself and siblings are going daily.Then another elderly relative who never had children has DH and myself on speed dial,and expects everything sorting immediately.I'm worse off financially because I've retired earlier than planned because juggling everything was getting too much.That was my choice but it's affected my relationship with my mum,who had none of this ,and no way will I put my own DCs under this pressure or responsibility.

It depends on what is meant by "caring for parents". If you mean, helping out with a weekly shop for them, visiting them and taking them to GP appointments when you can then yes, I would agree its reasonable to expect someone you love to help with those things.

However, if "caring for parents" means giving up your job, spending 24/7 with them at home, putting them to bed, feeding them, helping them to the toilet etc then absolutely not. Its not fair to expect your children to give up their own lives to look after you. I would also hate my children to have to do that for me. Alot of elderly people resist having carers in and insist they'll only be looked after by people they know- eg. their kids. I think thats incredibly selfish personally- being a carer is an absolutely exhausting role and its not fair to expect your kids to give up their entire lives to care for you.

Children also abuse their parents and often steal money from them (personal experience). Usually only one child ends up helping out. No one should give up their job to do this, or they may end up in poverty in later life.

I'm hoping that I won't need help when I'm older. My grandfather is almost 80, fit and well and lives independently with no help.

If I get to the stage where I need daily care I'd rather not be here to be honest. I'd never expect DS to give up his life to care for me.

I do hope I'm in a position to go to help my parents if they need me. I would do the same for any one I love. I wouldn't expect my children to look after me unless they wanted to and I certainly wouldn't want them to change where they lived to do so.

I will take the same stance with my daughter when she's older as my dad always says to me "you didn't ask to be born" basically he chose to have us and care for us and wouldn't expect anything in the way of this being returned although we obviously would if we needed to! He always says "just put me in a home when needs be and live your life" 😂 he is literally one of my best friends!

My MIL is very resentful towards my husband for moving away (albeit all of 45 miles) this being one of the reasons.

I'll be encouraging my daughter and any future children to go after what they want in life even if that is the other side or the world. Not confined to a 10 mile radius for mine and her dads benefit

My DPS have both passed away. I didn't get into a caring situation.
However the last thing I'd want my DC's to have to do is care for me. I'd hate to hinder their lives. They're both mid 20s.
I hope I just go quickly and quietly. I haven't looked beyond that.

My mum tells me to just chuck her in the sea I'd care for her in her old age definitely. Both her and MIL are definitely hoping we'll put them in a fancy home though, they've both requested spa facilities (they're 40 and 50 though so a long way off).

Parents choose to have children and look after them - the children didn't ask to be born and it is wrong of parents to "expect" them to look after them in their old age. Of course you help out when you can, but not at the expense of your own life choices. I love my (divorced) parents dearly but have to admit that I feel a bit trapped now that they are elderly. I don't have to care for them full time - one is in a rest home - but being an only child I feel I have had to live in the same town as them, now I am unemployed and can't find a job but am trapped (of my own making) in a small rural town with no prospects. I just feel as though my life is on hold and I'm wondering when I can expect to be able to live my life as I want - I'm 61 by the way. I don't have children, but if I had I would want them to spread their wings and not worry about me.

YANBU

Children did not ask to be born and it is a ridiculous reason to have children in the first place. It also depends on what kind of parent you were, and what your adult children can handle/afford.

My parents looked after both of my maternal grandparents with little help from her siblings (both who lived less than 30 minutes away). My grandmother was somewhat prepared and my grandfather was not. Grandfather had Alzheimer’s and grandmother had a long list of issues that had her in a wheelchair. They didn’t have the room (3 bd room home with 4 adults and a teen). It caused a massive strain emotionally, mentally, and financially. Grandfather’s mood shifted because he didn’t know where he was or who they were and he was still quite stocky in his 80s so it was sometimes difficult for them to get him calm when he tried to leave. They had to put him in a nursing home (2 min drive from the house) which was costly but gave them a bit of breathing room. My sister had spent her teen years helping out with them since she was the one likely to make it home first. When it came to her going to uni, my parents were nervous so I decided to move back and take over. I’ll be honest I regretted it. I had stayed away because my parents had been quite emotionally and mentally abusive to me growing up and they have a toxic relationship and it had been a saving grace when I went to uni. I thought that it would be different since I hadn’t been living there in 7 years and the times I did visit were fine. I was living there, working, and helping out. I became the outlet and sounding board again for their anger at each other. I had become engaged and even then my father had an issue because it meant me moving overseas yet when I was in the same place for seven years, th

My parents have always been clear that they don't want anyone to put their lives on hold to look after them. They plan to downsize soon, they join community activities so they have friends, and have enough savings to pay for care should it be needed. They insist we should "stick them in a home" where they'll get care, and we can just enjoy visiting. Obviously my sister and I would try to avoid that happening, but their point is that they'd get proper care and company in a home, rather than us knocking ourselves out to try to do it all.

Conversely, ILs have consistently refused to condone their children moving more than 20 minutes away (one did, briefly, in her late 20s, and they were NOT happy - she's now back in the fold). They've made no provision for retirement (FIL borrows money from us to pay Council Tax etc) and they have no social life. To them, it's all about family, and how much the family "owe" them. It's an awful burden on their children; DH feels like he can't move away, is guilted into looking after them (to the detriment of our own kids) and at the same time is terrified of them dying because he doesn't really know a life without them at the centre, dictating every step.

My mum thinks anyone who says they’re happy for their kids to move to the other side of the world is delusional and has no idea what old age along with ill was is like and that when they actually experience it they won’t be saying that.

Part of the problem is that we are living a lot longer with ever more complex health needs. In the past, adult children would care for their parents for a few years at the most.

Now adult children are potentially faced with caring for elderly parents for a couple of decades, which is simply not sustainable for many.

It's certainly not a life I want for my own children.

My own parents are currently fit and well. They did the bare minimum parenting when I was a child and as soon as I hit 18 I was without any support. They haven't given any support since I had kids and their actions have made it very clear that we are not a priority for them.

It will be interesting to see what they expect of myself and my sibling when their health starts to fade. I have a feeling it will be similar to the OP's Mum in terms of expectations and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I realise it's not necessarily fair/always feasible for adult children - however, I was 'indoctrinated' in the nicest possible way by my Singaporean Chinese father to believe that it was an honour and a duty to look after one's elderly parents. This doesn't 'apply' to my DBrother who lives in the US in the same way as he's obviously not local but he helps in different ways.
As it happens, DF reached 89 in pretty rude good health and passed away after a short illness last September - but yes I always did/do as much for my parents as possible in terms of generally caring/helping/doing, and now for DM79 who's also in good health. Am sure this may be 'tested' in various ways as she ages, but I want to be here to do everything I can... And I always did feel that they'd done 'so much for me' I was always going to do the same for them, but I adore them and want to and never felt I had to. Not the same for everyone I know - and certain levels of care could easily become too arduous for any of us...

My dad is 84 and had expected me to live my life round him since he was 70. There is no other family at all.

I’m 40 now and he’s making my life a living hell. He caused the breakup of my first marriage as ex Dh had to give up a wonderful opportunity to work over seas which would have meant a better life for our family, my dad emotionally abused me to the point of not going. Ex h never forgave me.

He’s going to break up my current marriage with his most recent antics too,

I would never do this to my children.

No way would I want my children giving up their time to look after me. I had children because I wanted them, they didn't ask to be born and they owe me nothing.

Having said all that... I wouldn't/don't expect my children to do the same for me...

One of the stories in the Daily Fail wrote the same thing, that children were her "retirement insurance". It's wrong, to me. My own mum is going to be utterly horrific to look after and I'm dreading it, she's already mean streaked, passive aggressive and a nasty alcoholic. I hope my own children never have to look after me.

*writers

I think it's possible for some to intended to help and not so for others,
Depending on the families income, work life balance, marital status.
If I was to become Senile, physically incapable to do much, No way would I expect them to look after me. Hence I have a retirement savings scheme.
Has your mother realised some of the impact that a aged, sick or difficult parent can have on a family members who aren't up to dealing with such stuff.
I do expect a phone call or message once a week. Otherwise my cares up to me not my children.

Posted too quickly

*I had become engaged and even then my father had an issue because it meant me moving overseas yet when I was in the same place for seven years, despite both grandparents having passed away months before. He did calm down (would have been too much for him to apologise 🙄) and said that if he became as bad as my grandparents, he would take care of himself and wouldn’t leave it to his daughters to do it. He didn’t have us so we could take care of him and his health was of his own doing. He would move closer to his siblings.

People are quick to say you should or they will but ignore/forget the strain it is and the difficulty it can be.

My son is profoundly disabled so it wouldn't be possible for him to look after me. I can't look after my parents because they live 200 miles away and because of the care my son needs. Dh was involved in the care of one of his parents but he lived fairly independently until a short illness at the end.

My mum thinks anyone who says they’re happy for their kids to move to the other side of the world is delusional and has no idea what old age along with ill was is like and that when they actually experience it they won’t be saying that.

Aren’t those said parents responsible for their own health and lifestyle as she is?

If by choice one has a sedentary life, ate poorly, drove everywhere, smoked too much, drank too much, didn’t save (or try to) etc.. why is it on the adult children to take care of them due to their poor choices? Where is the accountability?

Parent-child relationships are not equal. I think I have a much bigger obligation to my dc than they have to me.

That said, I have made choices about where I live partially to be able to look after dm as she gets older.