Having children to take care of you in old age

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

I want to know how to articulate why this is is wrong.

In recent years as her kids have flown the nest my mum has started going on about this a lot. She’s always saying how parents do so much for their children when they’re young so it’s their children’s duty to do the same when they’re old. I think she believes that in every relationship you should get back as much as you put in. She’s been a housewife her whole life and in recent years does a fair bit of care for her own mother. She tells me about people she knows who are unwell but their kids are busy working and raising their own families. Obviously neglecting your parents when they’re old isn’t right but people have their own lives and are entitled to live them. I think part of the problem may be that she’s never had a life outside of caring. When I tell her I don’t expect this from my children and want them to have their own happy, fulfilled lives she says I will only understand when they grow up, leave and then need them.

@datasgingercatspot I live in New Zealand. Not saying all care homes here are perfect, but the ones I've seen are good.

A lot of people seem to think that whilst personal care shouldn’t be the children’s responsibility, there is certain ‘help’ that should be provided eg regular visits, shopping, appointments. Some people have mentioned that this is often left to one child. In DH case all his siblings have moved abroad (8-10 hour flights away), not out of necessity just because they wanted to try somewhere new and they liked it so ended up settling there. His father is in the early stages of Parkinsons and his mum has various health issues. I do feel worried for DH as everything will be left to him. One of his siblings (who lives abroad) even complained when a few years ago we moved out of the area that DH grew up in to be equidistant from my parents and his- according to him we should have stayed in the same area so we could help when they are old

My mum has the same issue, although her siblings are local they don’t provide any ‘help’ and just visit once a month when it suits them.

I think it’s really unfair to leave it all to one sibling.

I really think the baby boomers are perhaps the worst generation of people ever. Whereas their parents were by and large a selfless generation that witnessed things that made them realise how important family life was, the boomers in contrast are a selfish generation that had every good fortune you could imagine, yet still was never enough.

I miss my grandmothers honesty, sincerity and most of all love, My parents on the other hand, even from my earliest memories thought only of themselves...and still do to this day. And not just my parents, but close friends, colleagues etc we each have our own take on this...but it's no coincidence that our stories and memories often mirror each others. The " Boomers " often bleat about how interest rates went to 15%...but that is all they can bleat about.
They had/have a life that will never again be replicated by future generations except those who are very lucky in this country.

I walked away from my parents years ago, their innate constant woe is me all the time, yet the truth is that generation would break down and cry if they had to start over in todays world.

Sorry I’ve not rtft because it’s quite big but I’m currently stuck in this trap. That’s what it feels like. I feel trapped and resentful. Am only child of an only child. My mum cared for her parents. Now I have to do it. It’s my ‘duty’. I’ve had a massive overlap of caring for my lovely children and my parents. My dad has been in a nursing home for 5 years and is dying And now ny mum needs care. She’s lonely, depressed and isolated and she has no one but me so I suck it up and do it. Every single day. I am resentful I’m an only child and can’t share it. I have three children and this is not the life I want for them. I will encourage them to do their own thing and make their own lives.

For anyone here caring for their parents and struggling on, there's a great section on mn called 'elderly parents' , I think it's in 'other stuff'. I started it ages ago when I was looking after mum and felt so so alone. Look it up and join in, the threads will feel so relevant to you and hopefully help.

@contentedsoul, your knowledge of my generation clearly isn’t extensive. Many of my contemporaries are providing free childcare for their grandchildren, in some cases while also looking after very old parents. I don’t know a single person in my social circle who hasn’t helped and supported their parents - we’ve all drawn the line at personal care.

We were also the generation of 1970s feminists who fought for equal pay, maternity leave and pay, women’s right to mortgages, credit cards and finance in their own name without a male guarantor, flexible working, discrimination legislation and better childcare provision. Younger generations of women take all those things for granted because we made a nuisance of ourselves to get them.

Your post is like what did the Romans ever do for us.

@contentedsoul My parents looked after their GCs and one elderly grandparent.
IME it is the current generation of parents who won't help with elderly parents and I have been shocked at how some of my friends have behaved. I do think people have got more selfish with every generation though.

I do think people have got more selfish with every generation though

Is it "selfish" though? or is it that generations ago, women (and it IS always women- never the men) were just expected to look after everyone, no matter what the cost to their own mental health.

Nowadays, women rightly have careers whereas years ago they didnt. This makes it harder for people to just drop everything and help. Not only that, people move away- they didnt years ago. Also, years ago families were bigger so the burden would be shared between siblings. Now, more people have only children.

Personally, I dont view it as "selfish" to impose boundaries on your time and to be realistic about what you can and cant manage. I think we've established on this thread that most people are willing to help out when and where they can but that they draw the line at giving up their work or chance to have a family to care elderly relative 24/7. I dont view that as "selfish" at all. I think thats reasonable.

I really think the baby boomers are perhaps the worst generation of people ever. Whereas their parents were by and large a selfless generation that witnessed things that made them realise how important family life was, the boomers in contrast are a selfish generation that had every good fortune you could imagine, yet still was never enough.

I'm a boomer, just, born at the end of 1963. I have supported my elderly parents practically and emotionally in a very, very difficult year, for them (father died and mother has incurable cancer), and financially and emotionally support my student children (one of who had a near-breakdown during the same year). I also work.

A lot of my boomer friends juggle similar loads. We may have a moan over a glass of wine with one another, but I don't recognise us from your description of our utter selfishness.

I think a big reason why there is less of looking after and looking out for each other is the expansion of the health and welfare state which has profoundly changed our society. When neither was available there was no alternative but for everyone in a community to work as a group, first and second generation immigrants to the U.K. from poorer countries still retain this mentality hence why they still believe children should care for their parents and do so.

Either younger family care for you or you are abandoned to an uncaring system . I think that earlier posts on this thread have illustrated that it is not polarised like this. See the comments on looking out for v looking after. I have seen very elderly people without families be scammed, taken advantage of and badly treated. Making sure your parent is protected, has the best care possible etc is a different thing from providing 24 hour personal care yourself. I hope my children will keep an eye out for me but I really wouldn't want them tied down by the weight of day to day care. I think both them and me would feel uncomfortable with bum wiping, bathing etc. Hope I never need tbat but I would definitely prefer care at that point. contendedsoul please don't make generalisations about a whole generation based on a few people you know.

@Tvtvtv thank you for that. You and your grandmother both sound lovely and I hope everything works out well for the two of you. It sounds like you are both very realistic about things, so I imagine it will.

you are an absolute saint

Really, really not the case. I do close to the minimum. She needs daily visits really. She is housebound, at her own choice, but I do think her life would be better if she’d let me or her carers take her out. She needs some bigger jobs done on her house that I’ve been putting off too as I know it’ll be a nightmare to get her to agree to them. I don’t have the time or mental space to really push the issues. To be honest, it’s a line I’d find much harder to draw if she was a parent.

we’ve seen cases of the vulnerable elderly being financially abused by both relatives and people who befriend them

It’s been worryingly simple to get POA and control of her bank account. She is my late-grandfather’s late-brother’s wife. No one ever questions my suitability to make huge decisions on her behalf.

I keep financial records as part of my job in the knowledge that HMRC could ask to see them at any time. I am not aware of any such system that exists to protect older people.

Just wanted to clarify that she has twice-daily carers and she needs daily visits really meant social visits from me!

I chose to have children. They didn't ask to be born. It's a parent's job to do things for their kids. They don't owe me anything.

Even in countries which traditionally look after old people eg: Italy, although all my old GP's and Aunts tended to live with their children, they always had live in helpers as well, either for company, or for care. Lately care homes have also become more common there too.

@contentedsoul generalising much? So everyone born in a certain time span is exactly the same? Don't be so bloody stupid.

I think if you had a good, loving, respectful, healthy relationship with your parents then you would most likely want to do what you could for them. That's not the case for everyone. I have worked in plenty of care/nursing homes and I believe that where possible family members should remain just that, and should not feel obliged to take on caring responsibilities detrimental to their own health and relationships. I don't expect that from my grown up children and I hope I can avoid cognitive decline and cause them to feel obliged/resentful.
I'm just rambling here, really! I do want to say that when the phrase 'family will provide care' is used what it means is 'female family members will provide unpaid labour.' Care work is badly paid because it's seen as women's work and therefore value-less.
NO ONE should feel obliged/guilted into 'looking after' elderly relatives. Doesn't matter what your current responsibilities are. If you want to do it, you're able to do it, fine. If not, you should not be judged.