Having children to take care of you in old age

[ThatsNotMyCherry]

I want to know how to articulate why this is is wrong.

In recent years as her kids have flown the nest my mum has started going on about this a lot. She’s always saying how parents do so much for their children when they’re young so it’s their children’s duty to do the same when they’re old. I think she believes that in every relationship you should get back as much as you put in. She’s been a housewife her whole life and in recent years does a fair bit of care for her own mother. She tells me about people she knows who are unwell but their kids are busy working and raising their own families. Obviously neglecting your parents when they’re old isn’t right but people have their own lives and are entitled to live them. I think part of the problem may be that she’s never had a life outside of caring. When I tell her I don’t expect this from my children and want them to have their own happy, fulfilled lives she says I will only understand when they grow up, leave and then need them.

women in their late 60s and early 70s doing hard core 24/7 care for a very elderly parent - the parent finally goes into a home for their last six months of life because their adult child carer has died
This is what we looking at ...a society where the middle-aged are eaten alive by their elderly parents 😳

It's not just about inadequate care packages available, my mother is 86 and is on the dementia road. She is entitled to help - carers, meals on wheels etc but she refuses it all. And this is very common. I can name several elderly people barking 'I'm not having some stranger coming in here going through my things' She was a single mother for a good portion of our childhood and worked hard but she isn't able to cope any more but is scared/too stubborn to admit it.

We are living longer but it's not for free. There is a price to pay for them and for the family. I do what I can and what she will let me. I agree, I do not expect my children to feel beholden to look after me but I hope I will be more accepting of 'help and care' when the time comes.

It's never occured to me that my children will look after me in my old age and I certainly never had my children with that thought in mind.

I want my children to live their lifes, not be worn down by having to nurse me.

I'm in my early 70s now and so old age is looming on the horrizon. Fortunately, at the moment, I'm fit and healthy but when and if I need to be cared for, my children will not be the ones doing the caring.

Your mother's opinion isn't shared by everyone. I've never understood the idea that children should be responsible for the care of their parents.

My parents felt the same. When my widowed mother got older she took herself into sheltered housing.

Not being a carer for your parents doesn't mean you are neglecting them.

If I could not longer care for myself I would loathe the idea of my children having to carry out extremely personal tasks for me such as wiping my bottom and I'm damn sure they wouldn't want to.

Difficult to tell the tale in a few words

I've been requested to give up everything, like my career, my life to look after a relative, 100s of miles away permanently

For a variety of reasons, I declined

They live independently and I've provided practical & emotional support at various times like illness, bereavement

So far, it's been the best decision for both of us

Obviously, it depends what sort of illness the person has, as to what care is needed

Some people, do not have the personality or temperament to be full time carers

So your DM is wrong
You can't force or guilt someone into being a carer

My mum is my best friend and I see her everyday, we help each other out in any way we can. When she gets older, I'd like to think I'll be in a position to take her to live with me and look after her as long as I can, however, I have children and I work but I think me and my brothers and sisters would probably all share the workload and help each other look after mum, not because we owe her it or anything like that but because she's my mum. That's just an ideal situation obviously that all depends on the kind of illness she may get etc, but I'd like to think I could care for mum.

I have a 6 year old and a 10 year old. I’m 46
My mother is 85 and has vascular dementia.
I’m an only one. There is no one else.
My mother has resisted care all down the line . She is frail but mobile . There are crises every day . The paradox of my mothers dementia is she believes she is fine. She will not accept respite care .
I’ve lost my career - I juggle zero hours part time work. 10 years ago she was holidaying in Greece with my late father.
My mother hates me and blames me for all her woes and troubles.
It is exhausting and unrelentless - we are all suffering .
Doing a bit of shopping and popping in for half an hour is something I do every day onto top of the endless grind dealing with her depression and confusion. She can’t read a clock a calendar or work most technology . She is frequently ill and delusional . I do med appts ( frequent ) organise dental and hair . We sort all her finances . We had to deal with her stopping driving and getting her to a diagnosis ( which btw once you get there is NO support - handed a few leaflets and of you pop.
Some how I manage to juggle it all but it is destroying my mental health running effectively a carehome remotely 24 hours a day . The cpn told me to take a step back but when carers cannot meet her needs it is myself and my husband who must jump from our beds at 4am and ask neighbours to look after our kids .

People have no idea what happens to folk in their 80s these days

I hope I will be in more accepting of help and care when the time comes
But you probably won't ...I'm starting to think that this entitled mindset is for many people an inevitable progression once they get to a certain age. They cling onto whatever they can and don't care about the well-being others because they become blinkered, become intellectually inflexible mentally less dexterous, see things in black and white terms and focus singularly on their own needs. in their minds they are the highest ranking members of the family because they are the oldest and they must be obeyed, they don't feel any need to speak the truth they spin whatever lies will get them what they feel entitled to

I chose not to have children and probably the comment made to me the most often has been to ask who will look after me, along with telling me I will probably end up very lonely if DH dies before me.

My parents are elderly and are lucky that on the whole they manage fine. Me and my siblings do help with things like housework, shopping etc.

Last year in a supermarket with my mum she was telling someone how much me and my siblings help. The person said that was good and mum replied "well that's what children do". I jokingly asked what was going to happen if I and/or DH needed help when we got older and she said "well your nieces and nephews will have to help"!!! I haven't told them yet!

It's a surprise to a lot of these people because they never moved with the times. SO many still live in 1970, or earlier. What do they expect? Anyone who has a disabled relative could have told you that these 'care packages' - haahaahaa! - went the way of the Dodo bird years ago. But the elderly are the most likely to be the ones who vote Tory.

People didn't use to live as long but you still have nothing but scorn and scolding on here for people who don't live pristine lifestyles as being deserving of disease and assured of early death. Living longer can be a poisoned chalice however.

If I had DC to take care of me in old age it backfired, as my eldest will need me to take care of him until he dies.

DM died in Nov 2018. For the previous 8 years I was the 'daughter round the corner'.

You get sucked in, it starts off with a little bit of shopping, then its having to visit on a daily basis because lonely (and because won't engage with activities for 'old people'). Then they start falling over/hospital admissions/etc.

You can arrange care, but it doesnt always work.

I didnt do personal care, but my god the emotional and mental load was absolutely draining, and I loved my mum. I loved her less as the situation got worse and worse, and she became more and more demanding, more and more insular, and yes, more and more manipulative.

daughter round the corner
Seems like the takeaway message from this thread is 'live as far away from your parents as possible'!

Dementia is awful.

My kids are 17 and 13. I fully expect they will probably end up working in another country (that's a whole other thread).
I'm very grateful that my mum was v independent until she died quite suddenly. I saw her frequently and that was my contribution.
My dh's parents have also died and his ddad in particular was v draining.

I wouldn't want my children to feel responsible for me. I'd hate that they might resent me.

Well I did . But I moved my mother to round the corner from me because that’s what you do. There was no choice. We tried to encourage mum to join groups etc but all sh wanted to do was mourn my father and drink brandy. Also I was being “selfish” and realised when the crises hit I would need to be on hand .

And boy do they keep coming and coming. Dementia is a train ride where we have no idea of the destination. My mothers slow decline is horrendous for her and us. 3 x 1hr calls a day clocks up a bill of 2k a month . I do all the rest. Frequently I do not work when she is physically ill as she can hardly be left alone all day and is at risk of a fall .

She resents the carers , she resents me and she is terrified . However she had no problem screaming at me what a shit daughter I was for spending her savings on care she thinks she doesn’t need the other day whilst my poor six year old cowered in the corner having to witness it because it is half term . We’d try to take cakes round and cheer up grandma for a couple of hours and try and steer conversation away from the obsession that she has a duplicate house . In the am I’d done a playbarn and tried to do some admin work remotely on my laptop .
I was mental mess by the end of that day .

I posted earlier in the thread, but I am going though this at the moment. Dad is 84, I’m an only child, my mum does 30 years ago.

My dad has no life apart from me. He’s expected to be the centre of my world for the past 16 or so years. I’m only 40, I have a young family and I am pregnant. We’ve recently had to move two hours from him and my god. It’s got so much worse.

He doesn’t have any friends, he used to laugh at me when I was bullied and lonely as a child “no one needs friends” is what he used to say. All he did now is live for when he can come here and visit but when he does all he does is sit here and say he’s bored. I can’t go into it all but all
He cares about is himself now. He’s making life hell
For me. My marriage is crumbling under his pressure.

He threatened suicide all the time and I’m ashamed to say I hope he does. I’ve had no life since my 20s, well actually, from when I Was a child because of him. Never had a career, never done anything as it’s all about him. When he does I will finally have a life. He’s fit and healthy though so that’s a long time off.

Sorry all the typos.

I've spoken with my mam about this. She has basically said that she wouldn't want her children to look after her at any stage but that she might have to accept help if she needs it. My dad has similar views. I expect that when they are very old they may need someone with them and that my siblings and I will have to make some adjustments to our lives to help. They definitely won't want to impose on us but I would hate for them to hurt themselves or be lonely just so I'm not put out.

This isn't an obligation, it's because I love my parents and want to make sure they're happy and comfortable.

Some of you on here need to come and join the cockroach cafe thread on elderly parents...

Connie, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this 😥 there must be some way to escape?

@connie222

You CAN walk away if you want

(You might also find some comfort in the stately homes thread Connie)

I have a very poor attachment to my parents because as a child I was ignored and went without some things that my mum's favourite child had. I don't owe them any care. My mum is trying to persuade my dad to cut me out of their will as I am low contact and refuse any requests. I absolutely do not want any care from my children. In fact I am living a life now that I will have done everything I ever wanted and will be happy to pop off one day without needing care. I will be quite content to look after dp and vice versa but that's because we're the same age and will get to old age together if we live that long. Neither of us want to be a burden on the younger generation.

İ didn't have kids with the view of them looking after me.... However I do think if culture changed here to how it used to be then conditions for the elderly would be much better. İf things changed so families were able to look after their parents there would be less need for care homes for those who are well enough to be at home meaning spaces for those who need around the clock care and being more affordable. But this won't happen because we now live in an environment where people need to work long hours days to put food on the table so don't have time to look after their parents. İt's an awful circle to be in.