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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 20/02/2020 23:48

I would probably do it. But I wouldn't think YABU for not wanting to.

CyberNan · 20/02/2020 23:52

he is prioritising his needs over the needs of the family and wants you to do the same....

yanbu

Cwenthryth · 20/02/2020 23:54

For me the question would be, will he simultaneously rearrange things, or make sure he is available for childcare so you can go out as well?

CalleighDoodle · 20/02/2020 23:58

He is in charge of pick ups. Why isnt he sorting the childcare for those days?

CrocodileFrock · 21/02/2020 00:10

I wouldn't necessarily mind a one-off request.

What I would strongly object to is his belief that his social life should repeatedly take priority over your job, and his sulking like a petulant child when he doesn't get his own way.

SmallChickBilly · 21/02/2020 02:04

I wouldn't mind doing this if asked.

But it doesn't sound like your husband did ask. It sounds like he basically tried to 'trick' you into agreeing to something perfectly reasonable and then tried to deflect and blame you when you confirmed that actually he was asking a LOT more than he was really letting on.

And the thing is - he knows he's unreasonable! He has already asked you to switch for other events and he must realise that adding another one is really pushing it otherwise why would he try to downplay what he's really asking? He's gone on the offensive, attacking you to get his way, even though he knows he's asking too much really.

Skippingabeat · 21/02/2020 02:26

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place.

I think this makes you sound unreasonable of it's really a non-issue for you to change your hours and he does really do loads for the family, and isn't a selfish person who always priorities himself at the expense of you and the DC.

Monty27 · 21/02/2020 02:35

As long as he's flexible too. On the basis your work is flexible first of all OP

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2020 03:02

Would you have resented it if he’d been adult and asked you properly in the first place? I don’t think it’s a big deal to change your hours every now and then if you’re able.... as long as he’d be willing to do the same for you including taking an occasional day / half day if necessary if you want to go out etc.

BadToast · 21/02/2020 03:03

The fact he has gone off in a sulk means you should not back down this time.

You have in the past finished early for him and are doing so in the future. Not showing much gratitude is he?

Fact is it's not as simple as just starting work early and that's it. You will have to get up at 6/6:30am then finish at 3pm, pick the kids up, deal with them on your own then do dinner and bedtime. Then deal with a drunk husband. You will be up well over 12hours without rest or help. Meanwhile he fucks off to a bullshit sports event.

We would all love to just breeze off to more fun stuff then the boring day-to-day but it's not always possible. He has already gone to sport shit this year, only a few weeks ago infact. He is getting to go at other times in the future too.

This time it's a no. He needs to get over it and grow the fuck up. Going off at you followed by a full blown sulk. If my husband did that he would get told bollocks to any future asks of me.

timeisnotaline · 21/02/2020 04:54

No for the sulking this time. Grow up and ask a clear question including I’ll do drop off of course. And expect me to want some time out too which you will graciously facilitate including changing your work hours.

DarlingCoffee · 21/02/2020 06:16

Sports events?! Errrr that’s a hard NO

Fatted · 21/02/2020 06:24

I think the big issue is, do you make the same requests of him and does he willingly oblige when you do? How many days a week are we talking here? Is it a big issue with work doing this? I take it you work flexi time.

I work flexi too. I'm generally happy to work around DH and the kids. But I also do insist on DH has his activities, nights out of the house etc, I also have mine. So it's fair and even. Resentment builds up when one is constantly being asked to accommodate the other with nothing in return.

Ponoka7 · 21/02/2020 06:33

Which fits in better for the children's routine and homework etc, without it feeling like a hard slog for you both?

If you are equal in other ways and he wants to fit in a twice a month hobby, then that should be discussed. Is it a hardship for you? Why do you resent it? Should be examined.

You also should get the same consideration.

Lazypuppy · 21/02/2020 06:34

When my partner wants to do something when ut would normally he his turn to pick up or whatever, and i'm also busy,he just has to find someone else - normally friend, or family to do the pick up instead until i'm free and then i go and collect.

He just needs to sort other childcare then you don't have to change your hours and he can go to his event

Rainbowqueeen · 21/02/2020 06:36

Is constantly changing your hours going to cause problems with your work? If so it would be a hard no or only a couple of times a year from me.
Otherwise I think it sounds like you are feeling unappreciated. Does he say thank you when you switch. Does he offer to do things to make it easier for you.
Starting work at 7 would be really hard for lots of people

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 21/02/2020 06:41

I agree that the question which tells you who is being U is would he change his hours equally frequently to accommodate you?

In the normal give and take of a genuine partnership (rather than "partner" just used to mean spouse/ boyfriend who isn't functioning meaningfully as a partner at all) flexibility, when possible, is normal. However it does have to be equal, otherwise it's not a partnership it's a master- servant dynamic.

SunshineCake · 21/02/2020 06:49

His unkindness about you being ill would have me rethink everything related to him.

user1493413286 · 21/02/2020 06:52

How are your work about it? I probably wouldn’t want to do it regularly as I know my work would start getting funny if it was every month unless there was a good reason. Could he not find a family member who could help instead or use after school club?

rwalker · 21/02/2020 06:55

TBH if you can do it I would as long as it works both ways and you can have free time as well.
Things like this can esculate and if you won't do this for him how can you have free time and do thing yourself . You both end up nailed to the floor and miserable .

Fr0g · 21/02/2020 06:55

i'm not suggesting that you being signed off from work means you should take on more childcare responsibilities, but if you're likely to not be working at the next event, is it such an issue?

That doesn't mean to say not to have a conversation around you feel about his assumptions you change everything about your working hours as and when you do go back.

Sleep - or lack of - can impact on depression. Are your getting enough sleep with 7 am starts?

WardrobeJumper · 21/02/2020 06:56

Sorry, I think YABU. This is a normal level of compromise and helping each other out that I would expect in a relationship.

Dontdisturbmenow · 21/02/2020 06:57

He does his share of looking after the kids. You are able to be flexible. You don't work at the moment. It sounds like you resent him for wanting to have fun outside of the house, when he has a need to escape and get some relief.

I've had depression it is horrible, but I can look back and acknowledge that being around someone depressed is also very tough emotionally. Don't resent him for needing to do something to get his mind of the worry and helplessness he probably feels for you. Having this time to relax and recharge will mean he comes back in a better disposition to be supportive.

You need to focus on yourself and your depression, so you too can enjoy doing things that brings some sense of fun and happiness for yourself rather than just your family. Resenting your OH to be able to do it and putting pressure on him so that he feels guilty is only going to make things worse.

This is of course assuming from your OP that you do have the flexibility to work different hours when you go back to work.

Mitzdob · 21/02/2020 06:58

I don't see what the problem is, family life is team work, give and take.

Iggly · 21/02/2020 07:01

Sometimes I do finish early to help out DH and vice versa.

Sometimes we hesitate asking and are a bit vague about it because we are uncomfortable doing it as we know we are taking the piss. But we don’t huff about it!

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