Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 10:55

I’m not. I’m self-employed. My point was actually that I would not ask a workplace to reschedule hours for someone else’s leisure.

As I said, they may not have to do any rescheduling.

There are precious few workplaces I know of where you just tell your colleagues what hours you will be in the day before.

The fact you haven't heard of something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. My workplace expects deadlines be met and people to work their hours and that's it. Some workplaces have flexi time where employees are expected to work or hours but beyond that it is flexible. I don't know what OP's workplace is like but it is notable she hasn't said anything about it being a problem as far as her workplace is concerned though there is good reason to think it isn't.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 10:56

-or-- core

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 10:58

I didn’t say I hadn’t heard of it. I said there are ‘precious few.’

If anyone is extrapolating here it’s you. One can’t assume that her workplace is as flexible as hers. Given that OP and arranged two dates so far in advance as June and July, one can assume that her workplace is not like yours when she can just notify of her hours the day before.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 10:59

What a weird presumption. We have no idea what time OP or her DH get up on a daily basis as she hasn’t said! It may be that she’s the one who’s normally up early and has to get up even earlier to accommodate him.

It's not the "weird" presumption. OP hasn't said that he works part-time. If he works full-time and picks the children from school everyday there is a good chance he starts early.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 11:01

I didn’t say I hadn’t heard of it. I said there are ‘precious few.’

Okay just because it is not your experience it doesn't mean there are "precious few". If we all went on our personal experience I would be saying that just about every workplace is flexible because nearly all my friends have this type of working. I don't just go on my personal experience though.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 11:03

We don’t know what his hours are. We do know she drops the children off at school daily so she must get up with them.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 11:04

f anyone is extrapolating here it’s you. One can’t assume that her workplace is as flexible as hers.

I am not extrapolating because your experience is that it would be a problem and therefore even though OP haven't studied the problem you are assuming that it is. I have only said that if it is not a problem with her workplace then I can't see why she objects.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 11:05

It’s nothing to do with my personal experience, simply to do with the objective numbers of workplaces that offer the level of flexibility of yours.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 11:05

We don’t know what his hours are. We do know she drops the children off at school daily so she must get up with them.

When my children were at primary school they used to get up at about 8 AM so not very early. I was to get up at about 6 AM to get to work in time to finish by 430.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 11:07

As I said she booked her June and July dates far in advance, which indicates that unlike your workplace she cannot just gives her working hours the day before.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 11:07

It’s nothing to do with my personal experience, simply to do with the objective numbers of workplaces that offer the level of flexibility of yours.

If it's nothing to do with your personal experience do you have the statistics. Otherwise what are you basing it on?

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 11:08

For all we know she and her DH both get up at 8am. There’s nothing anywhere that says he gets up earlier than her on a regular basis.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 11:10

Because I don’t have to have personally worked somewhere to know what the working hours are in a given industry.

Why don’t you give me the statistics on the numbers of workplaces that have hours that are as flexible as yours.

Porcupineinwaiting · 22/02/2020 11:27

I'd be pretty unimpressed if my dh was unwilling to be flexible about his work times (given that we both work for companies that allow this) so I got to go out sometimes.

I dont know whether you should agree or not OP but YABVU to object to him even asking.

crimsonlake · 22/02/2020 11:28

I am a bit confused with him asking you to change your work hours so he can attend an event since you say your are off ork at the moment. I must have misread?

Witchend · 22/02/2020 11:35

If I've a tennis match I'll ask dh if he can come home early. If he hasn't anything at work that prevents that he's happy to do it.
I think (hope!) that he likes me to have a hobby to enjoy which is my own and not always about doing everything together.

gingersausage · 22/02/2020 11:43

@crimsonlake don’t be disingenuous. The OP is talking about events in June and July. It’s currently February. She didn’t say she’d been signed off for 4-5 months, did she!

honeylulu · 22/02/2020 12:03

OP has already agreed to the June and July ones. She seems to be objecting to a further, imminent occasion.

I have mixed feelings about this one. On one hand it sounds like it's fairly easy to be flexible and she should do it as long as it's not detrimental work-wise, and if he would do the same if she asks. Plus she's off work anyway.

On the other hand: if he would not do the same for her, or she never gets/ takes the chance after work to do HER own thing then I can see why she's getting fed up. If she goes to work early then picks up the kids and deals with them all evening while he's off enjoying his leisure time then she's essentially doing more than her fair share. As she's already depressed, that situation isn't going to help her recovery. Plus, if she's signed off work then it's to enable her to recover, not for her husband to take advantage and grab himself some extra hobby time.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 12:13

Because I don’t have to have personally worked somewhere to know what the working hours are in a given industry.

I didn't say that you have to personally have worked somewhere in order to know what the working hours are in a given industry. However if your knowledge isn't coming via the personal experience of yourself or family/friends/acquaintances or official statistics where does it come from?

Why don’t you give me the statistics on the numbers of workplaces that have hours that are as flexible as yours

I'm not the one saying that precious few workplaces are flexible. All I have said is that my workplace is flexible as is those of many of my friends and relatives. OP hasn't said that her workplace would have a problem and the link below suggests that it is not true that "precious few" workplaces offer flexible working.

www.powwownow.co.uk/smarter-working/flexible-working-statistics-2017/

zaffa · 22/02/2020 12:22

I don't think this is a problem, although I would sit sown with him and work our how frequently he wants to attend etc and put something more formal in place. It sounds like the current arrangement doesn't work because you aren't keen to provide the flexibility - that's fine but in that case I would plan ahead and agree the arrangement for the future including accommodating his needs (and yours should you have any requests).

Do you resent him for having outside interests that provide him relief from the family stresses, when you are struggling to find that relief? (And living with someone with depression would be a family stress - as hard as it is for you, it's also bound to be very hard for him)

Bringringbring · 22/02/2020 12:37

I have asked a couple of times and can’t see if any answer

The OP says she has been signed off work. Is she working?

RedskyAtnight · 22/02/2020 12:38

There are precious few workplaces I know of where you just tell your colleagues what hours you will be in the day before.

Other than people who work set shifts, I don't know anyone who doesn't have the flexibility to come in a couple of hours early and finish a couple of hours later on a fairly ad-hoc basis. I think that's the norm in professional jobs - as long as you get the work done there is a fair degree of flexibility. It's irrelevant what you and I know anyway - OP has not mentioned changing her hours as being an issue and indeed says that she does change her hours to suit herself.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 12:43

I'm not the one saying that precious few workplaces are flexible

Nope, I didn’t say that if you read it properly. I said precious few are so flexible to be able to notify them of your hours the day before.

However if your knowledge isn't coming via the personal experience of yourself or family/friends/acquaintances or official statistics where does it come from?

Ok for example, I know a lot of doctors, but I also know what GP hours are, part time and full time, without knowing every single GP in the country personally. You can look up the stats if you want.

That is a job, btw that however flexibly you work, and many GPs work part time, you can’t notify your practice of your working hours the day before.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 12:51

I don’t know anyone who could leave work at 3pm on a regular basis just because they started a couple of hours earlier.

It’s moot anyway, as the OP doesn’t fancy it irrespective of how her workplace feels about it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7