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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 21/02/2020 07:04

Think you’ve created an unnecessary problem here. YABU

Swatsup · 21/02/2020 07:09

Would he also do the same if you wanted to go out though? Just because you don’t want or can’t go out doesn’t really mean he shouldn’t.

pictish · 21/02/2020 07:09

Yabu. I wouldn’t mind doing this at all. I’d offer!

Mumdiva99 · 21/02/2020 07:14

He wants to go out twice in June and twice in July.....does he have tickets for the Euro's? If so, and he's a big football fan then YABU. I'm jumping the gun here....But, the Euro's haven't been played in England since '96 so it's a big deal to a football supporter. If that's the case let him go and enjoy them.

Glowbuggy · 21/02/2020 07:14

My husband and I do this all the time, swap pick -ups and drop-offs to attend events, go to movies, appointments, catch up with friends. Are you upset because you’re never the one asking for a swap?

GoldenOmber · 21/02/2020 07:17

I think it's reasonable of him to ask, but not reasonable of him to try to get you to agree without outlining what it is he's asking of you, and not reasonable of him to get all huffy with you for asking questions or saying 'no' sometimes.

attatiti · 21/02/2020 07:17

I wouldn’t have a problem with this.

pictish · 21/02/2020 07:18

“This is a normal level of compromise and helping each other out that I would expect in a relationship.”

Absolutely. My dh supports my interests and hobbies as I do his. If it takes a bit of shifting around to make it happen, then so be it. That’s what we do. There’s no resentment over it, we encourage one another to enjoy life. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?

flowery · 21/02/2020 07:19

How often is it?

Watwing · 21/02/2020 07:28

Like a pp, we are always doing this (both have reasonably flexible work).
When I went back to work I was doing all the pickups and it was a disaster for me. I couldn't ever work late with my team, or grab a quick drink etc, or network. I couldn't go for dinner and drinks with friends (and lunches were always cancelled due to work). I ended up pretty resentful so we switched a couple of days and as long as either of us have a bit of warning (as in 12-24hrs) we're both as flexible as our works will allow.

RedskyAtnight · 21/02/2020 07:30

If it's a couple of times a month and it's not impacting on your work and he's generally helpful and would be prepared to do the same ... not really a problem. Shuffling things around to accommodate ad-hoc plans for all the family is just a normal thing to do.

babynamehelp1 · 21/02/2020 07:31

He is in charge of pick ups. Why isnt he sorting the childcare for those days?

I can’t understand comments like this - the OP is talking about her husband, not a stranger on the street.
OP if I were you I would request to change my hours at work and see what they say. That would be the only determining factor for me as I think that relationships are partnerships and doing things like this for each other is just normal.

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2020 07:36

Sports events - absolutely not. I would only change working hours for his work or children’s illness/important events.

toomuchtooold · 21/02/2020 07:37

It's the way he communicates it that would really wind me up. The truth is, when he's forced to say it out loud ("can you rearrange your work again so I can go to a sports event") it sounds selfish, and he doesn't want to sound selfish. There's a book, I should Google it (Joseph Heller I think) where one of the main characters (a bloke in his 30s, natch) says "I just want to do whatever I want with absolutely no negative consequences for me. Is that too much to ask?" and it's basically that isn't it, he wants to do the thing without having to deal with any negative consequences, without even having to ask.

coconuttelegraph · 21/02/2020 07:38

He is in charge of pick ups. Why isnt he sorting the childcare for those days?

Are you seriously suggesting that one half of a couple should start by arranging 3rd party childcare rather than asking the other partner to flex their work hours?

On the face of it Ok you do seem a little unreasonable but it's impossible for an outsider to know without knowing all the jns and outs of your relationship

Settlersofcatan · 21/02/2020 07:38

I think this is a communication issue.

My DH and I swap pick ups and drop offs all the time but.. for me, what's important is that my DH asks it as a favour and understands that my work schedule won't always make it possible, is grateful and says thank you. I do the same vice versa.

I get the sense that your DH deep down doesn't really think the pick ups are his job but more a favour that he's doing you and should be able to opt out of at any time. That would annoy me too.

Separately, maybe the issue is that he is doing all the pick ups - it means he is always going to have to ask for a swap to do anything social straight after work, which doesn't seem totally fair?

cologne4711 · 21/02/2020 07:41

If your work is genuinely flexible and it's not a problem for you to swap your hours, I don't see the problem.

If that isn't the case, then of course your work comes before his social life and he'll have to make arrangements for childcare rather than expecting you to have difficult conversations at work.

Iggly · 21/02/2020 07:42

Separately, maybe the issue is that he is doing all the pick ups - it means he is always going to have to ask for a swap to do anything social straight after work, which doesn't seem totally fair?

^this

I wouldn’t like this if me and my DH did this. We do different arrangements on different days and it makes life easier for swapping about for social events etc. We also split the burden between us.

Upsiedasie · 21/02/2020 07:44

I think you’re being a bit U. Yes, he could have outright asked like an adult but was he wary because you were reluctant when he’d asked previously?

If you can easily be flexible at work and it won’t cause any issues then why wouldn’t you do a favour for your husband? You’re supposed to be a partnership and love each other, why is it such an issue? Of course he should be willing to do the same for you too.

RJnomore1 · 21/02/2020 07:46

This is the type of thing I would do with not even a thought for my DH so he could have some fun. Unless I had a meeting I couldn’t move, and he would get that.

BUT he would do the same for me so I have never felt put upon. Obviously you do op; do you feel you are left to manage things a lot?
More than he is?

Monty27 · 21/02/2020 07:48

It sounds quid pro quo with a large drop of resentment.
What exactly is annoying you OP?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2020 07:49

that he does loads for the kids and family (he does)

They are his kids, he should be doing his share anyway.

Is the problem that the requests are ad hoc and short notice to change the hours or that he behaves like a sulky child when you can't fall into line to leave him free for boozing and socialising with his friends?

You've already arranged to change hours for events where you get warning, does short notice changing around not cause issues at work?

We used to juggle a lot of this stuff around but always acknowledged that both our jobs and the kids' routine took priority over socialising at this stage.

Dozer · 21/02/2020 07:49

Being depressed doesn’t excuse being snappy or going “off on one”.

If he always does 5 day afternoon pick ups, that’s not ideal for him - ideally the afternoon/early evening parenting should be shared IMO. I’ve done all five nights in the past and it’s tiring with early starts, inconvenient for work, and a LOT more parenting / domestic work than the mornings. It also severely limits what you can do in the evenings.

Perhaps, if your work are flexible, one or two days a week you could do evenings and he could go out sometimes. I don’t think he’s U to want to do that.

ferrier · 21/02/2020 07:49

It sounds like a non-issue to me. You can change your hours without difficulty if I'm reading correctly. So what's the problem?
Why should dp be prevented from going to the match just because you don't want him to. Everyone deserves some down time.
If he was going to be out 5 nights a week I'd say different but one night a week or thereabouts doesn't seem at all unreasonable to me.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2020 07:55

If he always does 5 day afternoon pick ups, that’s not ideal for him

Its not ideal for the millions of women who do it either but whilst kids are at the age of needing drop offs/pick ups five days a week its life for parents.

OP is already reorganising hours for events with advanced notice, repeated ad hoc requests to change shifts would cause issues in many work places. Its reasonable to accommodate the planned activities but not the late notice events.

OP when do you get to go out with friends or for yourself? Do you have similar time off to your DH?