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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:

ddraigygoch · 22/02/2020 12:59

It's moot because she says she on sick leave. So he can go.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 13:18

Nope, I didn’t say that if you read it properly. I said precious few are so flexible to be able to notify them of your hours the day before.

Firstly , she hasn't said that she only notified them the day before. Secondly what is your statement that precious view are flexible to be able to notify them the day before based on? What do you think flexitime is?

Ok for example, I know a lot of doctors, but I also know what GP hours are, part time and full time, without knowing every single GP in the country personally. You can look up the stats if you want

So you are basing whether precious few companies offer flexitime on GP hours? That is ridiculous. They make up a pretty small section of the population.

BogOffJanuary · 22/02/2020 13:22

I’m unsure as why doing something nice for someone you love would be an issue.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 13:39

Firstly , she hasn't said that she only notified them the day before.

No indeed, but you did and my point was that even people working flexible hours don’t have that level of flexibility. Flexible working pans out very differently in different workplaces. Some are unsuited to it, not just medicine.

Only 40% of employees are working flexibly (2017 stats). And in one piece of research it was found that 30% of flexible workers ‘felt they were regarded as less important’, 25% said they were ‘given fewer opportunities’ and 25% ‘believed they had missed out on promotion’ because of it.

So even where flexible working is ‘allowed’ it still may impact the employees profile.

So you are basing whether precious few companies offer flexitime on GP hours?

Yes I’m basing my entire concept of flexible working on GPs.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 14:29

Firstly, how is your point relevant considering that she isn't having to ask a workplace the night before. Secondly the fact that some workplaces are unsuited to being able to ask the night before doesn't mean that it is something that is only offered by "precious few"companies.

The link actually states that 58% offer flexible working. Even if is lower there is nothing to suggest that it is only offered by "precious few". Regardless, OP has not suggested that it would be a problem for her work or that she feel it will effect her career to start earlier.

You seem to be really clutching at straws here.

RedskyAtnight · 22/02/2020 15:07

Those stats will refer to people who have a formal flexible working arrangement though? Not people who, as an occasional one off, start and finish their day earlier than normal.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 16:31

It was simply a comment on the level flexibility of your workplace.

I didn’t say that flexible working was offered by ‘precious few’ companies, I’ve already told you what I actually said, which was a completely different point.

Comprehension and accurate quoting shouldn’t be so challenging.

I wasn’t referring to your link I was referring to stats published by the FT.

Your link is to a survey done by a telecoms company who claims that 58% of their respondents were offered flexible working but only 24% use it.

No details on the size of the sample or the industries covered.

You still seem to be very confused (mistaken) as to what the ‘precious few’ comment actually referred. It was not to companies that offer flexible working.

We’ve no idea how it would effect OP as she hasn’t said.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 16:57

It was simply a comment on the level flexibility of your workplace.

I didn’t say that flexible working was offered by ‘precious few’ companies, I’ve already told you what I actually said, which was a completely different point.

Why comment on the level of flexibility in my workplace if it has absolutely no relevance to the OP? As I said that level of flexibility is not offered by "precious few" companies at all. Have you never heard of flexitime? Even if it was only offered by precious few companies as OP was not asking the night before it is not relevant.

I wasn’t referring to your link I was referring to stats published by the FT.

So why didn't you say what you were referring to give a link?

cologne4711 · 22/02/2020 17:07

Because I don’t have to have personally worked somewhere to know what the working hours are in a given industry

There is no such thing, because every company/employer is different and even managers within different companies/organisations will have different views. So one may insist on 9-5, another may say 8-4 is ok, another may say as long as you come into the office once a week and get your work done on time they don't care.

If you work shifts eg on the railways you obviously don't have the same flexibility (well given how often trains don't run on the SWR network due to staff shortages perhaps you do) and you may not even be able to ask to change a shift months in advance. But every job in the railway industry is different and of course managers will have different demands than someone who actually works on a train.

cologne4711 · 22/02/2020 17:08

Presumably this sporting event leaves you not just with the pick ups, but also an evening alone with the DC

I don't understand why this is so awful once a fortnight? They're school-age, not toddlers.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 17:13

Why comment on the level of flexibility in my workplace if it has absolutely no relevance to the OP?

Because you were talking at the time of extrapolating from personal experience.

I know what flexitime is, but all the people I know who work flexibly don’t have the option of notifying the day before.

So why didn't you say what you were referring to give a link?

Because it’s not important in a discussion of this level where you’re posting random stats from telecoms company websites.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 17:25

There is no such thing, because every company/employer is different and even managers within different companies/organisations will have different views

There are industry norms though depending on the sector. How many teachers teach overnight? How many doctors offer overnight care other than in hospitals? Any shift work is potentially problematic not just railways, depending on the nature of it. Some sectors and company cultures suit flexible working much better than others - tech for example. Things are definitely changing but it’s quite slow.

Catchuptv · 22/02/2020 17:47

I would love to work 7 till 3 every day - you're lucky your work let you do that - and I think you should let him do it.

BoredOfTheBoard · 22/02/2020 18:04

In our house, and I imagine most others, work comes before.sporting or social events. I would not be able to just change my hours so drastically to accommodate this. And neither could my DH

What's his back up plan if work get fed up of you swapping your hours around to suit him and you end up losing your job?

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 18:54

Because you were talking at the time of extrapolating from personal experience.

I wasn't saying that because I could rearrange my hours at the last minute that OP could to though was I. I was just saying that there is no reason to believe her employer isn't flexible .She doesn't need have an employer as flexible as mine to be out to rearrange her hours as she can give plenty of notice.

I know what flexitime is, but all the people I know who work flexibly don’t have the option of notifying the day before.

You obviously don't know any academics then as they usually wouldn't even give notice the day before if they wanted to leave a couple of hours early. The fact that you don't know anyone personally doesn't mean that such jobs are rare.

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