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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 21/02/2020 10:43

To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity

There's your real problem. Go out more. It will help with the depression and make you feel like things are more equal. Get your dancing trousers on, or your trail shoes or your gallery glasses, whatever rocks your boat: book it, do it, he picks up the childcare. Wins all round.

RedskyAtnight · 21/02/2020 10:49

To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity

That's because he's already finishing work early!! If OP wants to go to a social event or activity there is no need for her DH to change his hours. It would be more relevant for her to say how often she works late, or goes out after work, leaving him in charge of the DC. It's much easier knowing you have a parent in place so you can be more relaxed about going home, than having to be sure you're out the door at a certain time because you have to do school pickup.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 10:54

It would be more relevant for her to say how often she works late, or goes out after work, leaving him in charge of the DC.

Even then it may not be relevant. It may be that OP doesn't want to go out but that doesn't mean her DH go out either.

MumW · 21/02/2020 11:38

I think one lf the issues her is the definition of occasionally.
I'd say that 4 times in 2 months and, what looks like is turning into, once a fortnight is regularly.

Presumably this sporting event leaves you not just with the pick ups, but also an evening alone with the DC.
Is the drinking just a couple pints or a session meaning he returns home as drunk as a skunk?

If this is turnimg into a regular thing then you need to sit down together and agree on what is acceptable. This shouldn't become a habit and expectation by stealth.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 11:44

If this is turnimg into a regular thing then you need to sit down together and agree on what is acceptable. This shouldn't become a habit and expectation by stealth.

They should agree on what is acceptable but I think in most marriages going out once a fortnight would be considered acceptable so it's not going to make much difference.

Piglet89 · 21/02/2020 11:50

Yeah, the bit about asking whether he can go to a sports event which seems like an innocuous request but, because of timing, means the woman is left doing much more than expected from the initial request.

My husband asked twice if he could go out at weekends to watch 6 Nations rugby matches on a Saturday afternoon. It seemed a reasonable request. But because of the time those matches began and ended, it meant both times I was stuck caring for our child all afternoon AND doing bedtime when I do it the majority of evenings in the week.

The fact he knew the consequences of his going to watch sport and yet still tried to slip the request in under the radar made me feel he was being really sneaky to be honest. I felt tricked after I had agreed to the request. I don’t feel I should have to ask timings to make sure I’m not yet again doing bedtime routine on my own.

I also HATE the idea that men ask their partners’ permission to do stuff. It places us squarely in the role of project manager for the family and person with chief responsibility for children. That is the case for me during the week - but it needs to be shared at least equally during the weekends for things to be fair. So men should make the call themselves and live with that decision. And, come on lads - you know which decision is the right one to make. I’ve sacrificed earnings, pension, career progression, social life, attending hobbies - not to mention the health of my back - to carry, give birth to care for our child. Sacrificing a couple of matches of rugby to lend a helping hand at home at the weekend when you work long hours in a demanding job during the week is NOT much to ask.

HopefullyAnonymous · 21/02/2020 11:56

Sacrificing a couple of matches of rugby to lend a helping hand at home at the weekend when you work long hours in a demanding job during the week is NOT much to ask

The six nations is once a year. Assuming he’s not doing this regularly throughout the year for other things, YAB hugely U. Being a parent doesn’t mean we have to give up our entire lives, and a couple of trips to the pub isn’t a lot to ask. Is he allowed out at all? Are you?

Bringringbring · 21/02/2020 12:07

* And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story)*

Are you working atm or are you signed off?

MumW · 21/02/2020 12:38

They should agree on what is acceptable but I think in most marriages going out once a fortnight would be considered acceptable so it's not going to make much difference.
It is perfectly acceptable IF it has been agreed and discussed and any issues/impacts it has are resolved, including, can the other partner also have sufficient downtime to relax.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 12:54

It is perfectly acceptable IF it has been agreed and discussed and any issues/impacts it has are resolved, including, can the other partner also have sufficient downtime to relax.

Yes, she should have downtime too but she hasn't actually said that she can't have downtime. She just said she has never asked for it which is different. She would need to ask because she doesn't have to leave work at any particular time to pick up the children.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 12:55

would wouldn't

timeisnotaline · 21/02/2020 22:20

It’s not that hes going out once a fortnight. I don’t know any marriages where one partner is expected to constantly rearrange their work timing to cover for their husband to go out.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 22:53

It’s not that hes going out once a fortnight. I don’t know any marriages where one partner is expected to constantly rearrange their work timing to cover for their husband to go out.

It certainly happened in my marriage when my children were younger. It was often because I needed to attend the meeting later on in the day rather than because I wanted to go out but I don't see that it makes much difference. If it doesn't cause OP problem at work for her to start early and finish early I don't see why it's such a big deal for them to swap around every now then.

timeisnotaline · 22/02/2020 00:17

Of course it makes a difference! Dh and I regularly swap who’s doing pick up and drop off so we can get to specific meetings or work late etc. The key is one of us Isnt limiting their career by deprioritising it for the others social life, instead we are both prioritising each other’s career. Also, it goes two ways. The ops arrangement doesn’t . He wasn’t offering to swap, he wanted the op to do it all.

Happy101 · 22/02/2020 00:54

I woudn't mind if it was a one off request. But if he expected this regularly and it severely affected my schedule and the DC's schedule than he'd have to make arrangements for me too.

If he's just expecting you to pick up all the slack whilst he's off enjoying himself then yanbu.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 08:54

Of course it makes a difference!

Absolutely! I can’t believe all the posters here who would regularly inconvenience their workplace to enable their DH to attend leisure events.

If it was for childcare or the other partner’s work it’s completely different.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 08:59

Of course it makes a difference! Dh and I regularly swap who’s doing pick up and drop off so we can get to specific meetings or work late etc. The key is one of us Isnt limiting their career by deprioritising it for the others social life, instead we are both prioritising each other’s career.

As OP said it would limit her career? I didn't read that. My comment was on the understanding that it didn't make any difference to her workplace. Mine wouldn't be bothered and it wouldn't affect my career either.

Also, it goes two ways. The ops arrangement doesn’t . He wasn’t offering to swap, he wanted the op to do it all.

OP hasn't said that he wouldn't change his hours sometimes if she wanted him to. She problem doesn't need into the as she isn't tied to leaving work early to pick up the children in the first place.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 09:00

problem probably

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 09:02

Absolutely! I can’t believe all the posters here who would regularly inconvenience their workplace to enable their DH to attend leisure events.

As I said, it wouldn't be a problem in all workplaces- many are flexible. My comment was based on the understanding that OP's workplace didn't mind as she hasn't said it was a problem in that respect.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 09:30

They may not mind, but it’s still has to be arranged. I simply would not ask my workplace to rearrange working hours on a regular basis for purely someone else’s leisure.

Quite apart from the that a 7am start is very early and presumably OP has to wake up earlier to do this. Unless she’s always gets up at 6am. It depends how long it takes her to get to work.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 09:34

They may not mind, but it’s still has to be arranged. I simply would not ask my workplace to rearrange working hours on a regular basis for purely someone else’s leisure.

You can't extrapolate OP's situation to yours as you have no idea what her job is or whether she would have to do anything more than just let her colleagues know. My job is flexible most of the time so I would just let my colleagues know the day before when I would be in.

woodchuck99 · 22/02/2020 09:37

Quite apart from the that a 7am start is very early and presumably OP has to wake up earlier to do this. Unless she’s always gets up at 6am. It depends how long it takes her to get to work.

Presumably her DH has to get up early the rest of time so may not be that sympathetic to the idea that is unreasonable for her to get up early once a fortnight. When my children were small I was the one getting up early and picking the children at early would have been seriously unimpressed if DH had said asking him to get up early for a change was unreasonable.

ddraigygoch · 22/02/2020 09:38

Well currently OP is on sick leave. So he can easily attend before she returns to work. There is no argument for that right now.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 10:31

You can't extrapolate OP's situation to yours as you have no idea what her job is or whether she would have to do anything more than just let her colleagues know. My job is flexible most of the time so I would just let my colleagues know the day before when I would be in.

I’m not. I’m self-employed. My point was actually that I would not ask a workplace to reschedule hours for someone else’s leisure.

There are precious few workplaces I know of where you just tell your colleagues what hours you will be in the day before.

TatianaLarina · 22/02/2020 10:35

Presumably her DH has to get up early the rest of time so may not be that sympathetic to the idea that is unreasonable for her to get up early once a fortnight. When my children were small I was the one getting up early and picking the children at early would have been seriously unimpressed if DH had said asking him to get up early for a change was unreasonable.

What a weird presumption. We have no idea what time OP or her DH get up on a daily basis as she hasn’t said! It may be that she’s the one who’s normally up early and has to get up even earlier to accommodate him.