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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/02/2020 07:58

That’s my point - one parent doing five afternoon pick ups and dinner is a bad deal for that parent IME. Unsurprising that the parent doing this (in this case a man) finds it constraining.

Have been there, done that, and disliked it!

Agree that OP’s H has been U if he’s asked her to change her hours for a day at short notice.

Dozer · 21/02/2020 07:59

It’s not “life for parents”, it’s about how parenting/domestics are shared. There are lots of options other than the same parent always doing 5 afternoons/dinners/early evenings.

Iggly · 21/02/2020 08:00

Its not ideal for the millions of women who do it either but whilst kids are at the age of needing drop offs/pick ups five days a week its life for parents

The answer is to share the burden, not put it all on one.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2020 08:02

Have been there, done that, and disliked it!

So have I but its part and parcel of having children unless you pay someone else to do it. It isn't a barrel of laughs doing a 7-3pm shift then the pick up and the full evening whilst superdad gets "essential" time off. He isn't just asking her to change hours but to do the double shift for him.

When both of you work then one person going out increases the load for the other person. OP already accomodates planned jollies, its reasonable to say 'no' to unplanned jollies (or he can arrange an ad hoc pick up and pay for them when it doesn't work for the OP).

RedskyAtnight · 21/02/2020 08:03

Its not ideal for the millions of women who do it either but whilst kids are at the age of needing drop offs/pick ups five days a week its life for parents.

But in a family where it's equally possible for both parents to do the pick-up, surely the most sensible thing to do is to share them?

And many families use after school childcare or rely on grandparents to pick up their children from school. Or some combination of all of these options. Families should look at what makes it work for them.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2020 08:05

The answer is to share the burden, not put it all on one

It isn't. The OP does all the morning stuff and drop offs before her shift.

If he wants to propose a regular change in hours for both of them that would be something worth discussing but lets be clear here - he would also have to change hours for that to work and be prepared for the OP to have some nights off as well (if she doesn't already). The OP isn't having time off when he does the pickups, she is at work.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 21/02/2020 08:07

What is your work situation, OP? Have you a sort of flexitime arrangement that means it doesn't really matter what your start and end time is so long as the hours are covered? If so, then changing occasionally wouldn't bother me. If this is to become a regular thing can you both change your core hours so that he drops off in the morning and you collect in the afternoon?

It wouldn't really bother me to do this occasionally. But if it was causing any sort of issue in work, or if sometimes it wasn't practical for me then I'd be telling him to make alternative arrangements with a neighbour, friend, family member etc.

(Although I know in my case it would be ME who'd have to make the arrangement for him 🙄)

Dozer · 21/02/2020 08:09

The “morning shift” is much easier and far shorter.

One parent doing all five afternoons/evenings isn’t “part and parcel of parenting”, there are lots of other options . Yes of course, both parents would need to look to change their work patterns.

Iggly · 21/02/2020 08:10

It isn't. The OP does all the morning stuff and drop offs before her shift

It is because one person is doing everything at one end of the day and the other is doing the other.

It would be better to share it more equitably so that there’s a better split.

Then this would be less of an issue because each person can see the burden.

Me and my DH work four days a week. So we both get a day at home, we split pick up and drop offs between us. That’s what I mean about sharing properly.

In this case the OP has it such that her DH cannot do the things he enjoys because the OP kicks off a strop. He’s not asking weekly!

Dozer · 21/02/2020 08:10

And of course OP should have equal opportunity for leisure time.

PointlessAddict · 21/02/2020 08:11

I might have been inclined to but no way after the tirade he launched at you, fuck him.

lunar1 · 21/02/2020 08:15

My husband is extremely hard working, if he asked this and I physically could switch then I would without a second thought. He would do the same for me, though his job offers far less flexibility.

nacher · 21/02/2020 08:20

Having depression is horrible, it's also hard for those who love you.

If you're not working at the moment, give him a break, just do it with as much goodwill as you can manage.

Klouise777 · 21/02/2020 08:21

Relationships are all about compromise. I regularly change my hours to dh can attend social events and he changes his hours so I can attend things. Of course if you love someone you're willing to to do things that make each happy right? What would he be doing if he didn't attend sports events? Life would be very dull if all we didnt have a bit of a social life right?

TSSDNCOP · 21/02/2020 08:21

How frequently is it and with how much notice? It looks like he’s asking before doing it, albeit with the expectation you’ll say yes. But it also looks as though it’s fairly evenly spaced too with the next events not being until the summer.

I think perhaps the fact you’re poorly is distorting your perspective a bit.

Madre1972 · 21/02/2020 08:22

I don’t understand why it’s such an issue. Once in June, twice in July, not exactly every day. Parenting is about partnership and IMO the person doing 5 day pick up shouldn’t automatically have no rights to a social life outside of family life. Unless he prevents you having one or wouldn’t do the same for you?

Daftodil · 21/02/2020 08:28

He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July

6 times in 7 months isn't a lot to ask. It sounds like your work is fairly flexible and if he is looking ahead to June/July, it sounds like he is giving plenty of notice, so I wouldn't personally begrudge swapping hours like this. I don't think he is being unreasonable to ask, but if you have other commitments (work or leisure) on those days you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no.

To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity

You don't need to if you're not doing the school collection every day! Your hours already allow you this, no?

That said, him telling you you're snappy and not easy to be around is very unkind and unreasonable.

Somebodystired · 21/02/2020 08:28

YABU. Two of the events are in June and July?? Which means he has asked with plenty of notice so he could make other arrangements if you said no. Being part of a couple means doing nice things for each other occasionally surely?

tiredanddangerous · 21/02/2020 08:29

If you’re signed off work at the moment then you should do it this time.

Going forward though, his social life doesn’t take priority over your job or your mental health. Can’t he do whatever it is at the weekend?

Toffeecakes · 21/02/2020 08:33

I think YABU, if you can change your hours so your DH can do something he enjoys then why wouldn’t you want to? Could you maybe do it on a few days a week and then it’s not the same slog every day? Could you just do it on the days where your DH wants to go to the sporting event or does it have to be all or nothing?

Sixsandwich · 21/02/2020 08:34

How is this an issue at the moment? You are signed off work at present, therefore no need to change working hours?
I'm confused

Doggodogington · 21/02/2020 08:35

You’re a team though, as long as he would do it for you then I see no problem. It’s once or twice a month, not every week. As you say, he is typically a good dad and partner.
Depression get you feeling weird things, and I say that as someone climbing out the other side of years of undiagnosed depression. Looking back I was snappy, and unreasonable for such a long time, I would jump on any reason to have a go at my OH. Maybe it’s your depression colouring your view of this situation.
Also, is being signed off work helpful? Sometimes it’s worse to be stuck at home amongst your own thoughts.

ddraigygoch · 21/02/2020 08:39

I think YABU. It's not that often. And it's possible. Do you just resent the fact that he's ensuring he has an activity outside of the family?

MarchDaffs · 21/02/2020 08:40

The trickiness would piss me off. He needs to come out and say, I would like to go to an event that will require you to start and finish work early to collect the children, are you ok with that? The onus is on him to be clear about any change in arrangements, not assume that if he's going you'll sort the rest.

gingersausage · 21/02/2020 08:42

So usually, OP does all the drop offs and her DH does all the pick ups. Even in MN land where every father is automatically shit, I can’t believe people are still arguing that the mother has it harder. 🤣

I honestly don’t see the problem with what he’s asking OP, given you have the flexibility to change your shift. I think your depression is probably clouding your judgement a bit (mine does, so I can empathise) but I also think you need to make it clear to him that if he wants you to do it, he needs to ask you properly. None of this sneaky shit, just ask outright and then sit down with the calendars and mark in when he needs you to finish early and when you are going out. He is entitled to a social life, but so are you.