Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asking me to change work hours so he can attend sports events

165 replies

Worrier2020 · 20/02/2020 23:45

Long story short: I usually drop the children at school and start work at 10, husband usually picks them up. He's started asking me to pick the children up here and there so he can go to a sports event. I’ve reluctantly agreed the first couple of times but the requests keep coming. He asked tonight and it got my back up so I asked questions. I think what pisses me off is he asks if I mind if he goes to the event but deliberately doesn’t clarify what he really means is can I finish work a few hours early and pick the kids up. I asked him to clarify what he was asking of me and he then said obviously he’d drop them off instead that morning so I could start work earlier (not obvious actually), that I was “attacking him” with my questions, that he does loads for the kids and family (he does), it’s his way to unwind and he deserves it, I shouldn’t question it, that I change my hours sometimes so it’s double standards etc. ( To clarify, ive never asked him to finish work early so I can go to social event or activity) And because I’ve got depression at the moment (I’ve just been signed off work and started counselling, but that’s another story) it’s not easy being around me/I’m being snappy. Went completely off on one then said forget it and he’s now sulking. He said it’s just one day - two weeks ago he did the same so he could go out boozing from lunchtime and there’s two sports events in June and two in July where I’ve arranged to go in at 7am and leave at 3pm so he can go to these.

Thing is, I could keep saying yes and just start work at 7 and finish at 3 but I resent him asking in the first place. Am I being awkward and unreasonable? I don’t trust my judgement at the moment as my heads a mess

OP posts:
Wonkywyebrows · 21/02/2020 08:44

Is your work flexible enough to allow swapping start times etc with you being frowned upon? This would be the major hurdle / question for me.

user68901 · 21/02/2020 08:49

I think you are both incredibly lucky to have that flexibility. It means presumably that you can do the same . All you have to do is ask??

Divebar · 21/02/2020 08:59

I’m in a similar position - I drop off in the morning and my DH picks up in the evening ( he does a 7-3 and I do an 9.30 -5.30 officially). It works for us as my job often requires me to work overtime but his doesn’t. The advantage for you and me OP is that we can go out after work knowing that the childcare is covered and our DHs can’t. As I work in London I frequently go for drinks or to and exhibition after work. My DH is probably less sociable than me and less inclined to want to go out but when he does he asks and wherever possible we swap over. I don’t see that fact that it’s a sports event makes it less justified than any event I might want to go to. ( being sulky is not the best I get that but you’re not coming across as very reasonable so I might be stroppy about that too in his situation )

Butterymuffin · 21/02/2020 09:01

that he does loads for the kids and family (he does)

They are his kids, he should be doing his share anyway.

Agree with the response to the top comment. The logic for him and some posters seems to be that he does his share (='loads') so deserves more time off, whereas OP does her share so can cope with extra, why complain?

WhateverHappenedToBathPearls · 21/02/2020 09:08

Twice a month I probably would do it if it didn't impact negatively on my job AND my DH wasn't being a dick about it when he asked. And I'd be looking around for some kind of 'me' time away from the kids so that he had the opportunity to return the favour.

Bringringbring · 21/02/2020 09:09

Sorry if already addressed but if you are signed off work - why are you working?

SueEllenMishke · 21/02/2020 09:12

On the odd occasion I don't see this as a problem bit if it's a regular thing then he needs to sort childcare.

My DH does pick up twice a week. On one of those days it's pretty easy for me to change my working hours but not the other. If his plans change then he arranges childcare.

poopbear · 21/02/2020 09:18

I think doing this once a week is fine as long as he’s prepared to do the same for you? Do you do any activities that he needs to change his schedule for once or twice a month? If not, find something. Art exhibition, yoga anything to test to see if he’s willing to do that same for you. I think it’s the way he went about it and the covert lying. It’s like he expected to get his own way and threw a tantrum when you wouldn’t oblige rather than being mature about it. That’s the main issue here.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 21/02/2020 09:20

Personally I'd be very reluctant to start work at 7am instead of 10am and would do it on a few important occasions but definitely not four times across 8 weeks.
I'd be telling him to put the children in after school club and let him pay for it himself.

Letseatgrandma · 21/02/2020 09:20

Are you working or signed off work?

CoffeeRunner · 21/02/2020 09:23

I am also wondering if this is really all fine with your employer.

I also, sometimes, can finish early & work 7 to 3. But if I was asking to this with regularity or assuming I could do it whenever I wanted it would be a huge problem. I guess it depends on your job. For me somebody has to be on shift until 7.30pm. So if I’m not doing those hours somebody else will have to swap their hours to cover me. Is it the same for you?

If not, and you genuinely are able to flex your hours with no knock on effects for colleagues & without inconveniencing anyone else then yes - I think you probably should accommodate DH’s “sporting events”. Unless there are also other considerations you haven’t mentioned - such as you can’t afford them etc.

IndieTara · 21/02/2020 09:23

Op if you asked him to do similar for you would he?
Given that you are currently suffering from depression maybe this would be the ideal time to negotiate some reciprocal free time for yourself too. He will hardly be in a position to say no.

AFingerofFudge · 21/02/2020 09:23

I think that in any relationship, you're a team, working together for the good of all of you, children included. Sometimes the logistics of having kids is bloody annoying and so it's important to have clear communication about expectations, preferences etc when it comes to the logistics. But you need to have those conversations at points when both of you have got time to have a proper discussion about it, not at times when you're in a rush or ad hoc phone calls.
For those of you saying no because sport is the reason- YABU as it doesn't matter really what the reason is; I think people's feelings should be respected, "even" for sport, which can feel incredibly important to some people. After all, we exist to enjoy things along the way, not just to go through the motions in a joyless manner.

MintyMabel · 21/02/2020 09:31

If he always does 5 day afternoon pick ups, that’s not ideal for him - ideally the afternoon/early evening parenting should be shared IMO

Because getting the kids up and ready for school whilst trying to get yourself out to work is a piece if piss 🙄

Pinkerpellosa · 21/02/2020 09:43

Although the evening shift is longer, getting the kids out in the morning is more stressful. Everyone has to be up at a certain time, everyone has to get dressed (nightmare with Toddlers) . Breakfast, lunch, bags ready. Coats, hats, shoes. Into the car. Is it PE day? Extra bag Seatbelts. do we have everything? I forgot my x , back into the house. Drive through traffic. Possibly two drop off locations. Remember bags coats etc.

I don't think your DH is unreasonable OP for asking but he is for not asking outright and for sulking.

How easy is it for you to change your hours?
As pp have said, I think a switch so you can both do half the drop offs and half the pick ups might work best. If possible

LuckyLickitung · 21/02/2020 09:45

There's nothing wrong with clearly communicating a request for change of routine, particularly clearly in advance.

I'm a SAHM and fairly frequently ask if DH can make sure that he's home by a particular time (normally 6pm+) so I can do x as he tends to work later into the evenings at times that run into children's activities, or isolated social events.

There is an annual long weekend which requires him having to organise himself around the school day, either a day off or short working day.

The payback to him is that in the absence of a special request, he has very little worry about pick-ups, drop-offs, INSET, holidays etc. He is left to be flexible about his hours and working away. (His work and my long hours in my previous job were pretty incompatible and stressful to both of us)

The key thing is that relationships are balanced, and each role is respected. Leisure time is of value, and both parties in a relationship should have access to it (be it social or alone time) and I'm wondering if this is a deeper issue here.

RedskyAtnight · 21/02/2020 09:48

I found evenings harder than mornings. It doesn't matter anyway and will doubtless vary by families - the point is that if both are shared then the pain/easy bits are also shared.

Being the one that drops off and works late means you never have to ask the other parent to change their hours, as they turn into the default parent if you want to work late or go for a drink after work.

prh47bridge · 21/02/2020 10:10

A relationship is about give and take. If you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking that is a problem. You say he does loads for the kids and it seems you don't have a problem with changing your hours. For me, the only issue would be if he expected you to do things so he can attend sporting events but he wasn't prepared to reciprocate when you want to do something you enjoy.

Bibidy · 21/02/2020 10:12

I think it depends how often he's actually asking you to change your hours. Twice this month and two this summer doesn't sound like overkill to me.

It also massively depends on how your work feel about you changing your hours. If they don't mind (and you don't mind going in at 7am!!) then I would do it as long as he's not constantly asking.

yellowallpaper · 21/02/2020 10:13

I wouldn't mind doing it, but would like to also has 'me' time on the same basis.

partofthepeanutgallery · 21/02/2020 10:22

I said YANBU because of how he's 'asked' and then sulked when you essentially pointed that out.

To me the question comes down to: would he happily do it for you so you could go out with friends, to the occasional 'event' and leave him with both ends of the routine for a day or two at a time? If he would, then I think you should do it; you're in it together. If he wouldn't, then I think you have bigger a serious problem in your marriage.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 10:26

I think you are being very unreasonable. DH and I used to have a similar arrangement although I would be the one doing the pickups and I would have been really annoyed if he was so inflexible just the sake of it. If your employer is fine with it what is the big deal? Going out twice a month is hardly over-the-top.

IntermittentParps · 21/02/2020 10:28

It sounds like he basically tried to 'trick' you into agreeing to something perfectly reasonable and then tried to deflect and blame you when you confirmed that actually he was asking a LOT more than he was really letting on.
I agree with this. It's not the asking, and it doesn't matter that it's easy enough for the OP to change her hours, or that he's great with the family generally. His attitude and behaviour here sounds troubling: gaslighting the OP about “attacking him”; she 'shouldn’t question it' (why on earth not? Is she a servant?!?); it’s not easy being around the OP and she's 'snappy'; went off on one and then sulked....
He needs to fucking grow up (an adult sulking!) and check his attitude.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 10:30

I said YANBU because of how he's 'asked' and then sulked when you essentially pointed that out.

Sounds to me like he might have been treading carefully because he knew OP was going to be difficult about it. No wonder if she is so inflexible.

woodchuck99 · 21/02/2020 10:33

It sounds like he basically tried to 'trick' you into agreeing to something perfectly reasonable

Not sure that he was trying to trick her as it seems obvious that if he is going to an event after work she will have to do the pickup. It sounds like he was just treading carefully because he knew she would try to find a reason to say no.