To want to be married?

[TinyCucumber]

Hi everyone.
When I met my other half he used to tell everybody I was “the kind of lady you put a ring on” and he was absolutely adamant he wanted to marry me.... but he never asked me. I used to tell him I want to get married etc, he would just say he does too.
About 5 years after we met we had a child. He still didn’t ask me. I told him again, but nothing.
He wanted another baby so I agreed, but when it didn’t happen I decided not to continue trying because I wanted to be married... still, he never asked. I told him I wanted to be married and he just keeps saying that he does too. I ask why he doesn’t ask me and he said he doesn’t know, he’s never found the opportunity (lol).

I said do you want me to ask you?! He said no, he will ask me.

Anyway, he still hasn’t asked me. Am I just to accept to never being married? I gave up my career and life to be a SAHM and (yes, stupidly) still haven’t been asked to be married!

I know this is my fault, we are happy together... but am I being unreasonable to be losing my mind about not being married? It’s embarrassing at this point.

Don’t feel bad, feel angry! He has let you down massively, and your DC.

A quick marriage costs very little.

You both have to go to the registry and apply to marry, you can't just 'book a date' without the other party's being present.

I think you can, I just phoned up a couple of weeks ago and booked a date at the registry office.

If OP is in England and Wales, which she may not be, they have to go together to do the notice of intention to marry appointment before they can get married. May not be the same where you are topshelf?

I'm in England.
You can phone or go in to book the date then you need to go to the registry office together with the necessary paperwork 39 days [If memory serves] before the actual date you booked.

That's the notice of intention to marry appointment then. You can book that without both agreeing but you'd both have to turn up to the appointment and if you don't, it simply isn't possible to then get married.

Glad you agree.

He knows how to play you, doesn't he?

He's not fulfilled his promise, you've queried this and he's upset?

Dearie me.

Oh for god's sake he's been stringing you along for YEARS and now you feel bad for bringing up the subject? Honey I've got a bridge to sell you

I'm in England.
You can phone or go in to book the date then you need to go to the registry office together with the necessary paperwork 39 days [If memory serves] before the actual date you booked.

That's to give notice. The notice period is 28 days. You have to both appear at a register office and give your notice of intention to marry, verify your identity and address and your legal ability to marry. Once notice is given and approved it is valid for 12 months. But there is a waiting period before you can legally marry in the UK. So you can't just 'book at date' to get married.

Spoiler: He really doesn’t want to marry you. He probably won’t.

You can try the suggestions above but you also need to decide if this is a dealbreaker.

He sounds like a glib, smarmy, slippery article TBH. Who says “The kind of lady you put a ring on” ? That’s not flattering. It’s cringeworthy. Especially when he then avoids all notions of marriage for years, even after a baby.

Some good advice here. I'm not sure why he'd be upset, except that he's being called out? You're doing the right thing, only fair way to raise children outside of marriage is if childcare and earning is equitable. Don't be embarrassed, you're being sensible. He's the one being unreasonable!

He said we will get married but somebody has to stay with our son

Tell him that by being a SAHM but not married you have no security at all. That you have given up your earning power, pension contributions, etc but he is not giving you the legal and financial security so you lose all round.

So either he cares about you enough to get married and give you that security, or else he will take in 50% childcare so that you can get out there and build your own security, or if he does not care enough for you to do either, you need to separate.

I agree that there need to be some ultimatums here. You can’t be a stay at home parent to a child while unmarried. I would be looking for a full time job and discussing plans for childcare with him instead of discussing a fabled wedding!

My friend is still waiting for a proposal from her partner after 5 years together.When they started a relationship he said he wanted marriage and a child together.The child is 3.5 but still no ring.He's all talk and no trousers.This is 2020;you should tell him that getting married is a big thing for you.I personally hate the "planned" proposal thing.You shouldn't have to plan to get engaged;either one of you asks the other or you just have the conversation about getting married and then book a date.

A family member has been “engaged” to his gf for about 9 years now. We all know he doesn’t want to marry her and it’s sad to see her call him fiancé tbh.

Please follow through with getting a job OP
You sound like a lovely caring mum

Don’t leave yourself in a financially precarious position

Propose to him this year. If he says no you know he doesnt want to marry you. Then up to you...stay with him but make sure you protect yourself financially or leave and find someone who does want to marry you

@EuroMillionsWinner
I was replying to someone who said you both have to go
in to book a marriage date.
I pointed out you don't have to do that.
A date can be booked on the phone or just by one person going to the registry office.

To my mind, if aren't both actively organising a wedding, you aren't engaged. I made it clear. No wedding, no children.

Luckily, my husband was on the same wavelength.

What @cheeseandpineapple says. Why on earth would you give your children the name of a man who can't be bothered to marry you?
I used to think my father was old-fashioned when he said men don't respect you if you lay it out on a plate for them. But now I'm inclined to think he had a point. We should all set the bar a bit higher. I'm not saying 'save yourself' for marriage - which is what Dad meant! - but why would you commit to having children with a man who won't commit to you?

why would you commit to having children with a man who won't commit to you?

There's this strange phenomena floating about - it's called unplanned pregnancy.

What is it about the "asking". You talked and asked each other and agreed you want to get married. There is absolutely NO point in "official proposal" now.
Just say "we agreed, we basically asked each other, let's book a date then". Book the reg office and have your wedding.

Why is he getting upset?

@katy1213 fortunately since my post OP’s mentioned that her son has her surname.

Good move on your part OP, well done for resisting his family pressure on that.

Yeah my friend had a DP who was eager to get married in the future while she was feeling far too young. As she felt less like she was too young he did not propose. She ended up proposing to him and he accepted but they broke up before the wedding. I think if he knows you want to get married and isn't proposing maybe worry a bit... having said that my DH took his time proposing too! But he did do it eventually and in fairness we were young when we met.

@ViciousJackdaw I was 7 months pregnant when we got married. Pregnancy is not a problem if BOTH parties want to get married.