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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be married?

184 replies

TinyCucumber · 20/02/2020 15:57

Hi everyone.
When I met my other half he used to tell everybody I was “the kind of lady you put a ring on” and he was absolutely adamant he wanted to marry me.... but he never asked me. I used to tell him I want to get married etc, he would just say he does too.
About 5 years after we met we had a child. He still didn’t ask me. I told him again, but nothing.
He wanted another baby so I agreed, but when it didn’t happen I decided not to continue trying because I wanted to be married... still, he never asked. I told him I wanted to be married and he just keeps saying that he does too. I ask why he doesn’t ask me and he said he doesn’t know, he’s never found the opportunity (lol).

I said do you want me to ask you?! He said no, he will ask me.

Anyway, he still hasn’t asked me. Am I just to accept to never being married? I gave up my career and life to be a SAHM and (yes, stupidly) still haven’t been asked to be married!

I know this is my fault, we are happy together... but am I being unreasonable to be losing my mind about not being married? It’s embarrassing at this point.

OP posts:
gypsywater · 20/02/2020 16:48

I love how people are saying to the OP to leave! Wtaf. They have a child together. Would anyone seriously break up a family unit just because the man no longer wished to marry?

cheeseandpineapple · 20/02/2020 16:49

Just to say I think women should be able to propose anytime they like but given that it’s a leap year there’s even more reason for OP to do it herself and she can use this point if she’s uncomfortable about asking.

Dozer · 20/02/2020 16:49

Oh shit, you’ve said you’re a SAHM! That was a poor decision and can’t continue - way too much risk.

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 16:49

But I do hope the child has your surname...

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2020 16:51

I would put money on the child having his surname

@ChanklyBore Good point catching the casual misogyny of "the type of woman you put a ring on"

TheDailyCarbuncle · 20/02/2020 16:51

He's totally taking the piss out of you. Surely you see that? My guess is that he's a dickhead that treats you with little or no respect.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2020 16:52

I would be feverishly working on your as yet nonexistent Plan B. Your partner has no intentions to marry you and you are in a horrible financial position.

blubberyboo · 20/02/2020 16:52

29th February is coming up....

Dozer · 20/02/2020 16:52

Yeah, that was a massive red flag.

If he wanted and intended to marry OP, he would have. He knows she wants this and is hugely financially vulnerable, and is fine with the status quo as he is a facilitated man and in the event of a break up would keep his earning power and financial assets.

Natsel84 · 20/02/2020 16:52

Propose to him. It's a leap year. If he says no then you know your answer

TheDailyCarbuncle · 20/02/2020 16:53

@gypsywater, currently there is no family unit. There is two people living together with a child. If the OP's partner walked away tomorrow he could leave the OP destitute, he would owe her absolutely nothing.

Dozer · 20/02/2020 16:54

OP has already, de facto, proposed, and her partner’s words and actions have made it clear that he declines to marry her. Why would she ask yet again?

longearedbat · 20/02/2020 16:54

I think you should say that you want to get married this year for all the reasons you want to get married (chose a quiet time when you actually have the time and privacy to have a decent conversation). Say that you can both sort it out now, pick a date etc. Then sit back and see what he says. If he says no, I don't want to discuss it etc, you will then know very well that he has no intention of marrying you. If that happens, in your shoes I would be considering my options.
The only other thought I had is, you haven't indicated you want some fancy pants expensive wedding have you? In that case, he might be worried about the cost, so keeps putting it off.

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2020 16:54

Sorry OP - he doesn’t want to marry you.
If he did then you’d already be married by now.

EuroMillionsWinner · 20/02/2020 16:57

Would anyone seriously break up a family unit just because the man no longer wished to marry?

I wouldn't have had one without being married first in the first place, but that ship has sailed for the OP. And he never wanted to marry in the first place, not changed his mind, he just future faked her and she fell for it. Would you want to carry on being a 'family unit' with someone who deceived you like that (regardless of the fact that you allowed yourself to be deceived)? Who had no regard at all for your financial vulnerability? Who expects you to enable him to carry on earning, saving, building up a pension by playing the wifey?

It is extreme folly to be financially reliant upon an unmarried partner.

And he doesn't want to marry you, OP. So I strongly suggest you start regaining your financial independence because the only one who will look out for your best interest is you, he's shown you he doesn't.

Forgetfebuary · 20/02/2020 16:57

Wow.. There is is no family unit...

That's pretty hard hitting however so is being left vulnerable android destitute.

I love my dh I can't imagine living with him, loving him, taking care of each other but denying him something so important. Stability in so many ways.

I'd also put money on the the child having his surname.

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 16:57

Of course there is a family unit! So you're not a family unless you're married. That's just offensive.

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 16:58

What about couples that dont wish to marry?! Bloody hell.

Forgetfebuary · 20/02/2020 16:59

Gosh there is even a name for it!

'FUTURE faked' '

Sad
Forgetfebuary · 20/02/2020 17:02

Gypsy I don't think couples have to be married to be a '' family unit '' however in those cases I would expect each partner to be truly ok with that, and either one would be flexible and agree to marry if the other wanted.

For money and assets to be equal, neither sacrificing something for the other where detriment is involved etc.

What op describes is not at all equal, I agree, it's not a family unit. It's a man who has everything he wants including stability.

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2020 17:02

If you both genuinely don't want to marry, both earn decent money, both jointly own property and can afford to walk away then its fine

TSSDNCOP · 20/02/2020 17:02

Calm down gypsey and read the OP.

She wants to get married. He clearly doesn’t. She’s posted because she’s unhappy with their situation.

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 17:03

I would like to know why OP became a SAHM? Like what was the thinking process behind this decision?

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 17:03

Learn to spell gypsy for a start love.

Purpleartichoke · 20/02/2020 17:04

I’d just tell him you want the legal protections that come with marriage. In terms of effort, it’s easier than going to get your driver’s license. Maybe a little trickier than getting a building permit if there if there are no objections to your remodeling project.