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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be married?

184 replies

TinyCucumber · 20/02/2020 15:57

Hi everyone.
When I met my other half he used to tell everybody I was “the kind of lady you put a ring on” and he was absolutely adamant he wanted to marry me.... but he never asked me. I used to tell him I want to get married etc, he would just say he does too.
About 5 years after we met we had a child. He still didn’t ask me. I told him again, but nothing.
He wanted another baby so I agreed, but when it didn’t happen I decided not to continue trying because I wanted to be married... still, he never asked. I told him I wanted to be married and he just keeps saying that he does too. I ask why he doesn’t ask me and he said he doesn’t know, he’s never found the opportunity (lol).

I said do you want me to ask you?! He said no, he will ask me.

Anyway, he still hasn’t asked me. Am I just to accept to never being married? I gave up my career and life to be a SAHM and (yes, stupidly) still haven’t been asked to be married!

I know this is my fault, we are happy together... but am I being unreasonable to be losing my mind about not being married? It’s embarrassing at this point.

OP posts:
RizzoFromGrease · 20/02/2020 17:04

It’s a leap year this year OP... ask him on the 29th Feb and see what he says?

SunshineCake · 20/02/2020 17:04

You have to make it worse for him to carry on as you are than get married.

Do you want to married or do you want to marry him ?

How would you feel if he felt bullied into marriage ?

Bit late now but for others, if something is important then no man is worth sacrificing it for.

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 17:04

Also, if the child does have his surname, why was this? Why not a double barrelled?

EuroMillionsWinner · 20/02/2020 17:05

What about couples that dont wish to marry?! Bloody hell.

Then they can get a civil partnership, or make sure they are financially independent.

The OP wants to get married.

gypsywater · 20/02/2020 17:05

And how do you feel the relationship is going generally?

AiryFairyMum · 20/02/2020 17:06

Why are you so passive about it?

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/02/2020 17:06

I would like to know why OP became a SAHM? Like what was the thinking process behind this decision?

Maybe she wanted to spend time with her children rather than put them in childcare.

I’m guessing at the time she made the decision she was still of the belief that her partner was going to marry her so didn’t see the risks she was taking by making that choice.

As other posters have said OP - I think you need to get back into employment so you can financially support yourself because if you aren’t married then you aren’t entitled to anything should you split up.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/02/2020 17:06

He doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, he’d have done it already. His actions have spoken a lot louder than his words - but he’s also told you as much, in that he’s basically told you he wouldn’t accept if you proposed. I wouldn’t advise you to push that point and actually do it, it’d likely be quite painful, but you could if it would help you to believe that this is the case.

Don’t be sucked in by any more of his “I do want to marry you, when I’m ready, but I want to do the proposing” bollocks. He’s future faking.

Marriage to him isn’t in your future. If you manage to force him to propose, he’ll do everything he can to postpone the wedding. It’s up to you whether you can learn to live with that, or whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. It’s going to be a tough call, now that there is a child involved... good luck in making the right decision for you Flowers

RedRedWines · 20/02/2020 17:09

If marrying you or your happiness were important to him he'd have asked you already. You need to focus on getting back into employment and deciding if this is a deal breaker for you

Lllot5 · 20/02/2020 17:12

I agree with everything @EuroMillionsWinner has posted.
Tell him to shit or get off the pot.

speakout · 20/02/2020 17:14

When I met my other half he used to tell everybody I was “the kind of lady you put a ring on”

Would have me running for the hills- for so many reasons.

Ihavechangedmyname2manytimes · 20/02/2020 17:15

We have been together 13y. 2 DC. I was still legally married when we met (DP wasn't OM, I was separated from my ex for 5y by that point). Then DCs followed and I wasn't really bothered with all this marriage thing, as I know it doesn't change a thing.
However, just last week I told him that I would like to be married to him now and we have had an marriage appointment booked for beginning of March.
OP, just tell him you want to get married, don't wait for him.

Nowayorhighway · 20/02/2020 17:15

Don’t wait around to be asked, just ask him yourself. You don’t need a dramatic proposal, just be assertive and say ‘I want to get married, let’s start thinking seriously about it.’

I didn’t bother with the engagement process with DH, we just decided to go ahead with the marriage.

Original poster
TinyCucumber · 20/02/2020 17:18

Thank you for all the replies.

Our son has my surname (much to his dismay!) I said I would change it when we got married... which never happened. I had a LOT of grief from his family for this, but I never backed down on this.

I know it was silly to have kids first, but for 5 years our contraception worked and when it happened I didn’t want an abortion (nor did he). We were happy, we still are happy, but it just happened.

The thing is he isn’t a bad guy, he treats me really well. He’s kind and considerate, he does things with our child and my nephews and nieces, he does things around the house etc. We are a good team. He just... won’t ask me to marry him! I don’t know why

I’ve asked him if I should ask him but he said no he wants to do it (but hasn’t), and it’s just never happened

I know I’ve made myself vulnerable being a SAHM and it wasn’t my intention, but our son was born with epilepsy and with multiple seizures a day it just made sense for one of us to be with him... he was the highest earner and it just happened like that

I know there’s a lot of comments suggesting it’s my fault, and it’s probably true, but I just don’t know how to correct it. When I’ve said “let’s set a date” he has told me he will definitely ask me he just hasn’t found an opportunity to yet.

I don’t want to break up with him because - other than this - we are happy! I don’t understand any of it! And I don’t want to force him into it like some of you have said. I really don’t want him to feel like that

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 20/02/2020 17:19

I think for those saying she has given him everything so why would he marry her are being rather harsh and this isn't the 18th century anymore.

Ask him for a frank conversation why doesn't he want to do it? You have a child together and if there is A mortgage too you may as well be married.

When I met my partner he was dead against marrying (already had one failed marriage), we know have a son and a mortgage together and are eloping. He doesn't want the big wedding day but wants to marry me.

So the 29th is coming .......

TSSDNCOP · 20/02/2020 17:21

For many, many people there is no want or need to marry. They agree their domestic and financial arrangements and live happily on that basis.

pooopypants · 20/02/2020 17:23

You want to be married or you want to be married to him?

Original poster
TinyCucumber · 20/02/2020 17:23

To him @pooopypants

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 20/02/2020 17:24

Then OP the answer has to be with you. Accept that this is your future and make peace. Be mindful though that your personal finances are precarious. A registry office wedding will fix that. Doesn’t need to be the entire fandango with loads of things. Like rings and bridesmaids and venues he can object to. Just stability for the mother of his child if anything were to happen to him.

Burplecutter · 20/02/2020 17:27

Just ask him, it's a leap year.

I asked my DH when it wasn't a leap year, it's no big deal who actually does the asking anymore.

Neither of us had ever really spoken about it before but we already had an almost 5yr old DD. We mostly did it because I was already being called Mrs OhSurname all the time and it was nice for our DD for us to all share the same name.

EuroMillionsWinner · 20/02/2020 17:28

Would he consider a civil partnership? He's future faking you still, the classic 'I want to be the one to propose'.

MarchDaffs · 20/02/2020 17:29

These threads happen with horrifying frequency. It can't be more than a fortnight since the last one.

OP what is your housing situation: rent or own, whose name on what? Do either of you have significant assets? Wills?

Ronia · 20/02/2020 17:35

You need to sit down and tell him how vulnerable this is making you and why (eg if you split, or he died suddenly) and that you need to work out, together, what to do about it. Marriage is one option, you going back to work is another.

diddl · 20/02/2020 17:43

Why were you still with him after 5yrs if you wanted to be married & you weren't by then?

He wants to be the one to ask??

You are living together with 2 kids, it's just a formality isn't it?

No big proposal needed-tell him you want o be married by x date & will arrange it!

CatteStreet · 20/02/2020 17:45

Won't marry you, but dismayed that your child has your name?

He's sounding like someone who wants it all on his terms and is exploiting antediluvian nonsense about women being 'chosen' and men doing the choosing. And his comment about you being the kind of woman you 'put a ring on' speaks volumes about his view of women as well as about his high opinion of himself. Sorry.

Whether you stay or go is for you to decide. But in your position I'd start looking after myself a little more and him a little less.

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