To want to be married?

[TinyCucumber]

Hi everyone.
When I met my other half he used to tell everybody I was “the kind of lady you put a ring on” and he was absolutely adamant he wanted to marry me.... but he never asked me. I used to tell him I want to get married etc, he would just say he does too.
About 5 years after we met we had a child. He still didn’t ask me. I told him again, but nothing.
He wanted another baby so I agreed, but when it didn’t happen I decided not to continue trying because I wanted to be married... still, he never asked. I told him I wanted to be married and he just keeps saying that he does too. I ask why he doesn’t ask me and he said he doesn’t know, he’s never found the opportunity (lol).

I said do you want me to ask you?! He said no, he will ask me.

Anyway, he still hasn’t asked me. Am I just to accept to never being married? I gave up my career and life to be a SAHM and (yes, stupidly) still haven’t been asked to be married!

I know this is my fault, we are happy together... but am I being unreasonable to be losing my mind about not being married? It’s embarrassing at this point.

Suggest a civil partnership then you will have the same legal rights as a marriage. Or is it about having a wedding and a big party? It sounds like he doesn't want this bit if he's dragged his heels for so long.

Propose to him. Nothing stopping you doing that. If he doesn't like that, although I don't see why he wouldn't then tell him the truth. You want to be married, you are fed up with waiting for him to ask and honestly think he never will.

Of course it's too late now but it really was not a good idea to have a child without being married first.

I’m happy to do it in a registry office @TSSDNCOP ! In fact, since our son was born I haven’t seen my friends much so honestly a wedding would be a failure anyway!

@Burplecutter I would but because he told me not to, I’m really reluctant to do that

@EuroMillionsWinner he says he wants to get married, I mean he is adamant when I ask him (but nothing) . I googled “future faking” and I’m thinking maybe I’ll link it to him.... lol

@MarchDaffs When we met I encouraged him through uni and to get a good job, before that he didn’t really do much. He wasn’t lazy, he had jobs, it was just more like bits and bobs. He has a really good job now but we don’t really have “my stuff/your stuff” because he never had anything when we met but now he makes all the money and I don’t, I suppose that means technically it’s all his? I’m not sure what is considered as significant assets? (Sorry I’m not very clued up)

We rent a house, currently saving for a mortgage. We’re both on the tenancy though.

@Ronia he has life insurance, I think that’s the same thing? That money would go to me to help me raise our son if he died

What century are you all from? Waiting for someone to propose? Really? Has he also have to go to your father and ask for your hand in marriage?
You've been together long enough to know the relationship works, have a child, live together,etc. Talk to each other like the adults you are and book a date, get married and live your life exactly the same as it is now, nothing will change.
I don't think you make yourself vulnerable to anything for being a SAHM, you are doing what works best for your family at the moment.

But inheritance tax applies. Also any assets won't go to you as you're not his next of kin. I'm not even sure if you'd definitely get the life insurance

It’s leap year, ask him at the end of the month. If he says no you know where you stand.

Tell him you want to get married. When he says he's going to ask you, reply and say "Ask me now. I don't need a fancy proposal or an occasion. If you want to ask me then do it now." If he refuses or makes an excuse then you have your answer.

If you decide that you want to stay with him after that, then I would not be moving into a mortgaged property with him unless you are on the deeds. Likewise if you are a SAHM then he needs to be paying your NI stamp for you so that you don't miss out on state pension entitlement.

What century are you all from? Waiting for someone to propose?

My thoughts exactly @Cymbidium69

I can’t see the point other than for tax reasons

YANBU but having a child and becoming a SAHM when you wanted to be married was rather silly.

I hope he does propose / he says he’s if you do.

He’s got you in a sort of corner. If he says he doesn’t want to get married anymore, would you leave him ? Probably not.

FFS, RTFT! She has already asked him! He says NO, that he wants to do the asking.

You're flogging a dead horse here, OP. You need to start looking after yourself more and do not have another child with him.

If you were on equal footing financially it wouldn't mean as much but you are not. Marriage is there to protect you when things are not so good between the two of you
I was in a similar position so I know how it can happen but i was working albeit didn't have nearly as much as my now DH.
I think you have to issue an ultimatum and if not make serious steps to get back into the workforce.
It might be fine now if he leaves you high and dry you are young and easier to start again but this site and RL is littered with people who plodded along for years only for their OH to leave them virtually destitute in their middle/old age.

I would not buy a house with him, either. Just stop enabling this set up to continue or it will. He doesn't want to marry you. So you carry on as you are (and make sure you are financially independent) or you leave (need to make sure you are financially independent first, ideally). He likes holding all the cards.

*@EuroMillionsWinner * I don't see that she has actually proposed. She told him she wants to be married.

I would do an actual proposal. It's bullshit about he wants to do the asking. What is stopping him then? They have been together years not months.

No way would I be with someone for years and not be married

Could it be that he doesnt like to be the centre of attention? Doesnt think you can afford it?

I agree that you're really vulnerable. You don't even have to imagine that he has bad intentions to think this is true: if (God forbid) he got hit by a bus tomorrow, you would be in a tight spot about taxation, pension, and employment.

(I can be cynical about this: I think it also makes the power differential enormous, with him having the ability to hold your livelihood over your decisions; it's a lot harder to leave someone when you'd be financially rinsed by that choice. But let's set cynicism to the side.)

He needs to do the right thing by your family.* That thing is to marry you so that you can get all the contractual cover of a marriage. It does not have to be a big deal, nor does it have to be a wedding, but it has to happen.

If not, you need to make arrangements, now, to go back to work. You need to retrain and to get a job with a sufficient income to support you and your kids. And he will need to pay half for childcare and do half the other household chores. If your child having SN means this isn't possible, then he can help pay for full-time childcare, then he can go part-time with you so that one of you is always home. It's a choice he can make, if he feels the need to do so.

It won't make you feel cherished, and it won't make you emotionally satisfied. I'm so sorry about this. I get that it's not just that you want to be married to him, it's that you want him to want to be married. You can't control that. But it will make you financially secure, which is the hard-nosed important thing to do.

*Please note that I say the right thing by your family. For some families, marriage doesn't make sense; for others, its practicalities are neutral and it's up to the people to decide. But in your situationSAHM, built all assets together, SN child, about to buy a house, no financial separation or independenceit's vital.

Propose. He has had plenty of time to ask. Be prepared for his excuses, he probably won't say no outright but will say he we ants to be the one to ask, he wants to save up first etc. Be clear. Tell him this is what you want and if he doesn't want to marry you he needs to tell you. If it's a no/ excuses then you need to stop being a SAHM - he will have to start pulling his weight and helping out with child care, no sex without protection (his as well as yours) and start saving. Talk to him about getting a legal document together for your and your son's protection. If he won't do that, start planning your escape.

If he was a good man he would have married you years ago. He’s kept you in a very vulnerable position and he must know this. On the off chance he doesn’t, explain it to him and if he’s not an arsehole he’ll remedy the issue immediately. If not, I’d be looking for a job.

I don't think you make yourself vulnerable to anything for being a SAHM,

You may think that, but you would be wrong. She’s already impacted her pension, there would be no division of assets and potentially no claim to his life insurance or pensions.

If I were you I'd want to get it sorted. My hubby and I didn't do a dramatic proposal, we just agreed and got it sorted, would that work for you? Could you just say babes why don't we get married this year? And just get planning? You're in a really vulnerable position and it's not fair for him to keep avoiding it if he's happy to marry.

@TSSDNCOP exactly.

Can’t you ask him?

I knew someone who was with someone for 10 years, a similar situation to yours they always said they would get married and had 2 children and the women was a SAHM as he was the higher earner but never got round to getting married. It turned out he didn't want to get married as she would be entitled to half of everything and as he was the one bringing in the money he didn't think that was fair! His family didn't like the girlfriend and thought he was too good for her and I think had a lot of say in his decision.
I'm not saying this is the same as your partner but just something to think about.

I just spoke to him about it and he became upset saying “of course I want to marry you, of course I do” etc (as he usually does)

I said it’s a good idea if I get back into work and become financially independent and we split everything down the middle, and he seemed quite taken aback by it. He said we will get married but somebody has to stay with our son. I said if I get back into work we could both take turns? He kept saying but he wants to get married and I said but we’ve been together a long time and we haven’t gotten married so I think independence from each other (but stay together) is our only way forward. He reluctantly nodded but he’s upset, and I feel bad.

I have a feeling he will get married but I’ve all but pushed him into a corner, which seems like a problem on its own. Blimming heck! I’m not even sure I should have said anything now.
Neither of us like arguments and I feel as though I’ve just started a one-sided one

I would choose a quiet, peaceful time to talk to him
Explain that you want to marry him.
Then tell him you want to do it this year.
Suggest you each write down some dates and either both of you or you up ring the registrars.
If he hesitates then he does not want to marry you.

The comment he made about being the "type" of lady he found out a Ring on is vomit inducing.
On the one hand he talks about "types" of women, yet what type of man is he.
He's fathered a child yet isn't prepared to marry the woman he's married.

Wtf? Just book the date with the registry office to get your declarations in and then the date of the ceremony. Get it done on both weekdays, just make sure he can get time off work to attend. Job done.

Honestly sick of these types of threads. Why on earth would you reproduce with someone and then post this daftness.

It's a good start OP. Hopefully if he is the man you say he is it will make him think and appreciate how vulnerable you are and, as PP has mentioned, what a negative impact staying at home will have had on your pension.

If he really is a shite that will let you down then at least you are taking steps to protect yourself.

You mentioned you don't see many friends now, is that natural 'too busy after kids' thing? Has it impacted only you or both of you as a couple?

I think you raised some really good points with him and I hope all goes well for you.