@ihavechangedmyname
“I wasn't really bothered with all this marriage thing, as I know it doesn't change a thing.” If you really believed that why are you marrying now?
It changes LOADS legally and financially...and psychologically. Couples who marry are more likely to stay together.
Op if you’re not wanting to break up and with a dc with medical issues at the very least you need to do all you and more importantly HE can to ensure your and your child’s security in the event of several eventualities - not just splitting up!
He needs critical illness cover in case he becomes incapacitated. So do you actually as Carer for your child.
What is the situation with your housing? Rented or mortgage and in who’s name?
Pensions? Does he have a private pension and are you named as beneficiary? Do you have a pension being paid into?
Is your NI being paid?
Wills? Crucial! If he were to die intestate you and your child could be royally screwed.
I always mention on these threads the cautionary tale of my relative who’s partner died intestate while she was a sahm to their young dc. She and the children had to leave the family home, she had to return to full time work while they were all still very much shocked and grieving. She’d got along ok with “in laws” prior to his death, no indication of any problems. Pretty much as soon as he died they made sure they claimed as his rightful heirs and excluded her and dc.
I’m sure there are other things mners can recommend? That’s just off top of my head.
“this isn't the 18th century anymore.” But unfortunately our laws are still very much on the clear basis of marriage/formalised union and women and children are still very much financially disadvantaged.
I’m afraid (and apologies parts of this may come across quite harsh but is the reality) it’s also quite common for men to leave the person in the ops position when they want dc/more dc if the person in the ops place is not able to do so and quickly marry and have dc with someone else, often someone much younger. Happens a lot, happened to me even being married! Although in my ex’s case it was more “subconscious”.
But more likely when no marriage to disentangle from.
“I’m not sure what is considered as significant assets? (Sorry I’m not very clued up)”
Please please educate yourself on all this ASAP, though I warn you much of it may come as a shock.
Who’s name are the savings for the future mortgage/house in?
As a sahm I believe you’ll find it difficult if not impossible to get your name on the deeds.
Also, quite honestly you could do/insist on all of the above but he can undo it all without telling you and you’d have no “come back” at all.
I’ve seen that happen in real life too - men who’ve switched their beneficiaries from their partner to the ow without telling partner! Or even just to their mum or siblings and the partner had no idea until they died.
You certainly need to consider returning to work if possible (get a job outside his working hours so he can care for your son?) too.
Get a bank account that’s just yours preferably a completely different banking group to his into which any money you receive for your son (child Ben, DLA) or benefits you receive are paid. If he were to walk out OR become incapacitated OR die you will then at least have access to these funds until things are sorted.
“but this site and RL is littered with people who plodded along for years only for their OH to leave them virtually destitute in their middle/old age.” So true!
“He reluctantly nodded but he’s upset, and I feel bad.” DO NOT feel bad!!
HE is the one wanting it all his way! He wants you running the home, caring for your (joint) child, taking the financial/career hit, BUT he won’t ensure your and your child’s security by simply popping to the registry office?!
Nah! He’s taking the piss!
I’d have said something like
“I’ve given you more than enough time to get your head around this. Our child and I are in an incredibly vulnerable position with me as an unmarried sahm should anything happen in the future including anything unforeseen happening to you. I need to ensure our child and I will be ok if that happens. That means me going back to work especially seeing as you won’t do the reasonable thing and marry me”
Enough pussy footing around!
HE doesn’t “feel bad” he’s pissed off his cushy lifestyle is ending! That’s what he’s “upset” about!
Time to get organised!
1 bank account
2 check your pension/NI status
3 job
You can not rely on this guy he’s only looking out for himself.