To ask were you smacked by your parents as a child, and do you forgive them now?

[blubberball]

I was smacked by my parents as a child. Sometimes they would completely lose their shit and smack me over and over, whilst shouting at me. Each syllable would be a smack. I remember wanting my dm to stop talking, so that she would stop hitting me. I remember being in the street and my dm taking a swing at my arse, and I managed to move to dodge it.

I guess it stopped at the "appropriate" age. 10 or something.

I have never smacked my dc, and would use time outs to discipline them. My parents moved with the times and followed my lead. I forgive them, and they are very loving and supportive now. It's strange to think that happened now.

Never smacked by my parents (I'm in my 50's). I was "whacked" at school with a slipper by one of the nuns. I don't forgive her.

The trouble is, far too many parents smack their children in the moment out of anger - that is the absolute WRONG way (like the poor OP's experience with smacking which was absolutely wrong and cruel).

You NEVER smack your child when you're angry. Never do it to 'punish' them. If the child has been naughty and you're very wound up and irritated still because of it, walk away until you calm down. When you are completely calm, go and explain to your child what they did they did wrong and that they're going to get a smack because you love them and want them to learn not to be disobedient and naughty (or similar kind of wording/theme). Then one smack on their bum (where it will sting but will not damage them, hit a bone etc) will suffice. This is how my parents raised us 4 and we are all thankful for it. Even as kids. Once the upset wore off, I knew they did the right thing and I was grateful for it because it showed me they loved me enough to discipline me in the most effective way for me.

The aim is discipline, not punishment. Any parent who REACTS to a naughty child by lashing out in anger is not going to discipline them, it's abuse and will leave the child confused and very angry.

I was smacked. I was locked in a room. I was ignored.
I could forgive all that if my parents didn't pretend it never happened. They seemed shocked that teaching my kids discipline is a long road. It's not based on fear. They believe they were perfect parents, and constantly allude to the fact that I could do better.

I was smacked until I got big enough to run away - about age 5 or 6. My mother has told me quite recently that she hit me more than my siblings because I "was more annoying than the others". So she didn't do it to "teach me right from wrong" or "firm boundaries", she did it because she was a 40 yo woman who could take her irritation out on someone powerless. I find that hard to forgive, yes. She has said that she would never hit her grandchildren - if she can control herself now, why couldn't she control herself then?

Occasionally by my dad, and yes, I definitely forgive him. I find it harder to forgive my mum for other stuff.

The trouble is, far too many parents smack their children in the moment out of anger - that is the absolute WRONG way (like the poor OP's experience with smacking which was absolutely wrong and cruel).

You NEVER smack your child when you're angry. Never do it to 'punish' them. If the child has been naughty and you're very wound up and irritated still because of it, walk away until you calm down. When you are completely calm, go and explain to your child what they did they did wrong and that they're going to get a smack because you love them and want them to learn not to be disobedient and naughty (or similar kind of wording/theme). Then one smack on their bum (where it will sting but will not damage them, hit a bone etc) will suffice. This is how my parents raised us 4 and we are all thankful for it. Even as kids. Once the upset wore off, I knew they did the right thing and I was grateful for it because it showed me they loved me enough to discipline me in the most effective way for me.

The aim is discipline, not punishment. Any parent who REACTS to a naughty child by lashing out in anger is not going to discipline them, it's abuse and will leave the child confused and very angry.

I was smacked. I was locked in a room. I was ignored.
I could forgive all that if my parents didn't pretend it never happened. They seemed shocked that teaching my kids discipline is a long road. It's not based on fear. They believe they were perfect parents, and constantly allude to the fact that I could do better.

I was smacked. Always in temper.

It was humiliating and hurtful. Gave me a sense of being uncared for.

Forgiveness doesn’t come into it, my parents are who they are and they neither need nor desire my forgiveness. I think they behaved pretty poorly though.

OP it sounds like you were physically abused - what you describe is more than a smack for discipline. Losing your temper and repeatedly hitting a child was always wrong. Screaming abuse at a child would be equally wrong - a modern day equivalent. So yes I think there is something to forgive. Perhaps your mum was really struggling. Maybe it would help to discuss it with her?
My parents used the odd smack and I don't think it caused any issues - but there was one occasion when my mum lost it and hit me in anger. She apologised at the time and never did it again. I have forgiven her for that.

I was smacked. Always in temper.

It was humiliating and hurtful. Gave me a sense of being uncared for.

Forgiveness doesn’t come into it, my parents are who they are and they neither need nor desire my forgiveness. I think they behaved pretty poorly though.

Yes and I've not forgiven my parents. They smacked because they'd lost their tempers rather than because they thought it was an effective discipline method (and interestingly they deny this now).

I won't leave my own children alone with my parents because I strongly suspect they would treat them the same way.

The trouble is, far too many parents smack their children in the moment out of anger - that is the absolute WRONG way (like the poor OP's experience with smacking which was absolutely wrong and cruel).

You NEVER smack your child when you're angry. Never do it to 'punish' them. If the child has been naughty and you're very wound up and irritated still because of it, walk away until you calm down. When you are completely calm, go and explain to your child what they did they did wrong and that they're going to get a smack because you love them and want them to learn not to be disobedient and naughty (or similar kind of wording/theme). Then one smack on their bum (where it will sting but will not damage them, hit a bone etc) will suffice. This is how my parents raised us 4 and we are all thankful for it. Even as kids. Once the upset wore off, I knew they did the right thing and I was grateful for it because it showed me they loved me enough to discipline me in the most effective way for me.

The aim is discipline, not punishment. Any parent who REACTS to a naughty child by lashing out in anger is not going to discipline them, it's abuse and will leave the child confused and very angry.

I think MN's on the fritz. There's double posts from a lot of us!

My brother and I were very occasionally smacked, but only ever for doing something dangerous and only ever once. We weren’t repeatedly hit.
I was smacked once firmly on the arse for pushing my 2 year old brother so hard he fell back and hit his head on the radiator. He was smacked twice as far as I recall - once for repeatedly going behind the tv and pulling at the cables and once for head butting me.
We only ever did these things the once.
What you are describing just sounds like your parents had terrible tempers which they took out on you. Some might even call that abuse, and I’d probably agree with them.

Yes I was. Slapped across the face by my mum mostly and depending on her mood. I got hit for nearly stepping on something. Nearly. Not actually. Just because I could have stepped on it.

Also for being shy and not answering an adult. Apparently I embarrassed her.

My dad once used a belt on me.

I don't forgive them. It was easier for them to hit me than to manage any behaviour they didn't like. And too much of it was hitting just because they could, because I couldn't do anything about it or because, in my mum's case, she was in a bad mood.

Call it a tap, call it discipline, use whatever words make you feel better. But it's all hitting your child, making them frightened and using your power and your size to scare them.
I've never hit my children and they are adults now. You don't need to hit children to be an effective parent.

There’s smacking, and then there’s aggressive hitting (still with an open palm). I probably experienced the former a dozen times and can scarcely maybe even remember it. I experienced the latter once and think it was wrong. It achieved nothing a stern talking to wouldn’t have and left a painful enduring memory.

I don't recall being smacked by either parent. But I do remember, uncomfortably vividly, being walloped about the head and shoulders by my mother, as I crouched on the ground trying to protect myself.

Smacking (on the bottom, or on the wrist maybe) would not require forgiveness, had she otherwise been an excellent parent. Out-of-control hitting is never forgivable.

I don't see smacking as the same as hitting. I know, from reading threads on here, that many do, but that seems to me to lessen the far greater crime of hitting.

Everyone makes mistakes though, so of course I forgive them. But IMO anything above a light tap on the wrist is morally reprehensible IMO. And even that light tap shouldn’t be necessary for the vast majority of children. Communicate and set firm and fair rules and stick with them. Violence is for when you’ve lost control.

Only double? I'm here many more times. Weird.

Yes, was smacked. I vividly remember hating that a big person could do that. I forgive her though, as I now see that kids can drive you to lose your temper from time to time.

I have smacked DS from time to time but I loathe myself for doing it and realise its happened because I have failed and lost control. Morally I don't approve of it as a form of discipline.

I'm a Quaker attendee and they are quite strong on non violence as a principle in life. In fact I just read about the Scottish decision to outlaw smacking and a Quaker testified about it.

We tell our kids not to hit and if we do it - it 'smacks' of double standards.

I was smacked 3 times - each time for lying and always in a controlled way. My parents are loving, wonderful people who parented in line with the advice at the time. I'm a well-round adult, well educated with a good job and happy family life so nope, nothing to forgive. We used the naughty step when dc were little and I wonder if in 20 years that'll be seen as abusive. You do your best as a parent and I wouldn't ask my parents for more than that.

I actually think hitting/smacking your child is disgusting. couldnt think of anything worse than my daughter being scared of me. makes my stomach turn the idea of raising my hand to her and her then crying. so so wrong in my opinion.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I was smacked as a child.
Now I’m a parent, I can understand why my parents got to that point of losing their shit because I’ve felt it myself at times.
The fact that my parents weren’t “smacky” parents, and my behaviour pushed their buttons so much on those occasions that they resorted to smacking, tells me that I likely deserved it
My dad in particular didn’t need to resort to physical punishment usually. He just had this look that would come over his face that would put the fear of god into us. He would t shout often either - he would speak very quietly and slowly and we knew we were in deep shit when that happened

@Enchiladas
You know it’s possible to have all of that reaching mutual understanding and fostering respect for rules without the violence part.