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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask were you smacked by your parents as a child, and do you forgive them now?

582 replies

blubberball · 20/02/2020 09:11

I was smacked by my parents as a child. Sometimes they would completely lose their shit and smack me over and over, whilst shouting at me. Each syllable would be a smack. I remember wanting my dm to stop talking, so that she would stop hitting me. I remember being in the street and my dm taking a swing at my arse, and I managed to move to dodge it.

I guess it stopped at the "appropriate" age. 10 or something.

I have never smacked my dc, and would use time outs to discipline them. My parents moved with the times and followed my lead. I forgive them, and they are very loving and supportive now. It's strange to think that happened now.

OP posts:
2020vision10 · 22/02/2020 21:34

My posts weren't aimed at you Peppermint...

PeppermintPasty · 22/02/2020 21:55

Fair enough.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/02/2020 22:09

I was at school in the 60s

I would say about 1/2 of my class mates were smacked. Actually remember a conversation on whose parents smacked them, for what reason and who’s parents never did

We had moved to a nicer area. The area I grew up in it was customary to beat the living daylights out of your kids whether they had done anything or not.

There were a few of my classmates with very disciplinarian parents who were more likely to beat their children because of grades than actual naughtiness but a lot of the parents did seem to have a much more laid back approach to parenting

tiggerkid · 22/02/2020 22:24

Was smacked up to a certain age but only by my mum. Dad never touched either me or my sister. In fact, don't even remember him raising his voice that much. Never really thought about having to forgive my mother. Nor did she ever ask for any forgiveness. Looking back at it, I don't think it was great but I've moved on.

Fairenuff · 22/02/2020 22:40

Hitting kids is cowardly and abusive. Plenty of people didn't. There's no need to try and excuse those that did.

oblada · 22/02/2020 22:45

I don't actually think the 2 really go hand in hand. I was never emotionally abused and most of my friends appeared to be in a similar situation. From this thread it seems a lot of people were also in similar situation: occasional slap but no long term harm.

I'm not blaming this thread for the focus on physical violence per say. I'm saying as a society we make this big hoo ha about smacking but really it looks to me that's it's because we're too cowardly to try and address the real forms of abuse, which are often hidden. It's easier to go after parents smacking when really the real problem isn't there.

Smacking is wrong. But so is shouting/screaming at a child. And many other parenting techniques have been found detrimental (cry it out, time outs, naughty steps, bribes etc). Even worse is proper emotional and verbal abuse. The scars really go deeper.

RuffleCrow · 22/02/2020 22:52

It's not binary @oblada most abusive parents will use a range of 'techniques'. Mine certainly did. Can i go back and distinguish the hitting from the screaming from the constant emotional abuse and manipulation?! Er no.

And proponents of the 'a small smack is nothing' school of parenting seem unaware that's exactly the line abusive parents will take when you challenge them.

TheHagOnTheHill · 22/02/2020 22:52

Child of the 60s.
We were smacked when little after a warning and not so that it hurt physically and no shouting.We cried because we had done something wrong.
We weretol no more smacking when I was about 6,after being unnaturally good due to not knowing what would happen if bad we found it was standing in the corner with our back to the room,we had to apologise and life moved on.
What you are describing OP is not the same as many of us experienced and would be hard to forget and let go of.

moondance19 · 22/02/2020 23:03

I was a child of the 50s and 60s and was never hit. Reading about some of these parents horrifies and angers me on the ops behalf. It wasn’t discipline in a lot of these stories, it was plain abuse. Shame on those parents. Poor little defenceless children.

SciFiRules · 22/02/2020 23:03

To be honest I think it's a shame that the pc brigade interfered. Smacking was a perfectly acceptable form of discipline for years. What do we see now but worsening behavior and increasing violence in society. To answer the question, no apologies required!

Fairenuff · 22/02/2020 23:08

What do we see now but worsening behavior and increasing violence in society.

If only there was more smacking of children, we could reduce the amount of violence in society hey Grin

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/02/2020 02:38

What do we see now but worsening behavior and increasing violence in society

Life has changed and I don’t think smacking has anything to do with worsening behaviour.

You could say alcohol or drugs being more accessible, the lack of youth clubs are the reasons why behaviour has worsened

Years ago if you weren’t academic you could do a trade now you have to be academic just to get on the college course

So you have 16 year olds who are meant to stay in education but haven’t passed the required GCSEs to stay in education cannot progress and just see a bleak future.

So much has changed.

DBML · 23/02/2020 02:47

I’m nearly 40 and my mum was very strict/tough. I lived in fear of her through my entire childhood. But at the same time, I was so scared, I ended up doing well in school, moved out at 18 (as soon as I could) and have gone on to get a good job and have a nice life actually.
I’m not a natural achiever, so doing well at school was something I really pushed myself to do, to avoid the repercussions at home.

Since leaving, I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and I know she would do absolutely anything for me. She’s always just wanted the best for me and had a funny way of getting it. Of course I have forgiven her for the smacks and physical discipline. I love her very much. I doubt I’d be where I am had I not been pushed as hard.

TheBouquets · 23/02/2020 03:27

There is a world of difference between smacking and violent physically abusive treatment of children.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 23/02/2020 03:36

My mother smacked me for very trivial things. I remember vividly her putting my coat on me and then sending me out to play in the garden, then smacking me when it got muddy Hmm.

I'll never forgive her.

Idolovechocolategimmygimmy · 23/02/2020 03:40

Yes I'm 38 and was smacked as a child and remember it being bloody sore. It stung! My brother used to say I did things (make it up) or sometimes he would make me do something bad and as I was younger and didn't realise it was bad and then he'd tell my mum and I'd get a good smacking for it. I hated him as a child! Sounds quite funny but I think it gave me confidence issues when I went into my teens and as a child I'd try to play at friends houses instead and avoid being home with my mum and brother!

Tinkerbell456 · 23/02/2020 03:45

I was as a young child in the late 60’s, 70,s. It was just normal then. However, when I got to about 10 years, my Mum thought it appropriate to smack me around the face when I got lippy. Which was reasonably often, admittedly. One day, when I was twelve, I slapped her back. My God she nearly spontaneously combusted with rage! She stopped doing it though!

HeretoThereandBackAgain · 23/02/2020 04:25

I was smacked as a kid. There is nothing to forgive. I had an excellent relationship with my parents then, and still do now.

I get annoyed by those who denigrate all parents who’ve used a smack. It’s insulting and offensive to suggest that all smacking was abuse.

Supertrooper98 · 23/02/2020 08:03

Yes I was smacked. Doesn't bother me at all. I've a great relationship with my parents.

Cookit · 23/02/2020 08:07

I don’t forgive it, no. I maybe would if they apologised now but they haven’t.

user1497997754 · 23/02/2020 08:42

No I don't forgive them and I never hit my own daughter.....they were abusive

YouJustDoYou · 23/02/2020 08:52

According to my friend, who is a Londoner and Ghanian 2nd generation, it's completely normal, and expected, for African parents to beat their children into line. When i said i don't do that to mine, she smiled smugly at me and said this is why white kids are so badly behaved. I just shrugged and said well I dont know about that, but I still choose not to hit them. I remember clearly being walloped hard once when I was around 5, but I was being utterly horrific so even now I think "yeah, I can understand that", but still...just wouldn't do it to my own.

Insideimsprinting · 23/02/2020 08:56

I don't recall being smacked but I do remember being naughty and really pushing my luck, my kids do that to me now. I work with 5yr olds an they really push their luck too, the older kids have their moments to.

I think that as a kid you do t see the effect your bad behaviour has on people, as an adult I think it is enough to make you snap and smack. I dont smack but can certainly I understand why some do. I could u derstand and forgive now that I've experienced it from the other side and reflected on my behaviour as a child.

Being responsible for a child behaving so badly and not being able to just leave to cool down is enough to break many especially when you have the public looking at you scornfully and judging you and the child.

There are better ways but I can empathise with smackers and forgive them in general.

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/02/2020 09:01

Emeeno1
I don't know at what point in conception, pregnancy or birth that a parent become magically perfect but a lot of people seem to think they should.

Literally nobody has said that.

However, I think at birth is when, if a parent can look at that baby and think about hitting it, then take it off them, they are not fit to be parents.

I would like to add too, that I'm a child of the 70s and not everyone was hit as discipline. Parents made an active choice to discipline in this way. It's really a very lazy way, and I'm not talking about a scared slap when your toddler almost runs into the road, I'm talking about making an active decision to discipline your child through fear.

2020vision10 · 23/02/2020 09:22

YouJustDoYou

Your friend is in denial. I'm a londoner and whilst these "black kids" might be scared to "disrespect" their parents, they aren't scared to disrespect people outside their home. BUT it's nothing to do wytg race, it's the culture they grow up in. A lot of these kids that are in gangs are smacked at home (black, white, Asian). They are desensitised because violence is used at home to gain "respect" and is just normal to them. Difference is they are scared to be found out by their parents most of the time.