So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

I don’t think anyone’s relationship is at a high point when they’ve got under 5s/non sleeping children, it’s not a great time for mutual appreciation on any dimension!

I feel the same, although in my case I was the one pushing to ttc, my DH wasn't fussed.

I think constant nausea is a hard thing for anyone who hasn't experienced it to understand, especially the psychological impact of it. Also the gaining weight whilst suffering severe nausea and vomiting in pregnancy is difficult for many people to get their heads round, and I think I lost a lot of sympathy from relatives and friends as a result of this. But if I didn't eat frequently I would vomit after 2 hours (I could set my watch to it). So my weight gain was significant. My dd is 2 now and I'm still very overweight, with the low self esteem/body confidence that goes with it. Although I think I judge myself far harsher than my DH does.

I'm also one of the 50% of women for who breastfeeding isn't a magic weightloss strategy. I'm still breastfeeding and would never stop for my own vanity, so the weight stays on, but I'm super proud of myself for making it to 2 years still breastfeeding (just wish my dd would start to ease off a bit now!).

OP please be kind to yourself. Your doing an amazing job, 3 pregnancy and all that breastfeeding is an awesome feat.

@Noconceptofnormal “if I could magically make myself a man” I totally get this. I well remember clutching my creaking, enormous sides as I lay on the couch with my pelvis falling apart, sculling Gaviscon, wailing “I wish I was a man!!!”. I don’t know how any partner witnessing the toll pregnancy and child rearing takes on a women’s body could fail to feel gratitude (if not to the wife, then to the Universe for the fact they don’t have to go through it).

As I said earlier my youngest is 20 months and it feels like things are getting (marginally) easier. We’re getting some sleep, my hormones have settled back (after she refused a bottle for 11 months), I’m not constantly ravenous/pinned to the couch From BFing. I also had C sections and have recovered well after doing quite a bit of rehab with the physio for both the sections and the SPD. I finally feel like I’m getting myself back a bit.

The other night we went to a concert - it was a lovely summer evening, we were dancing on the dry grass to a great song with drinks in hand, I had new dress on and I looked nice and I felt for a few minutes like the girl I was before I had kids. I actually felt really emotional because it’s been so long. (And like you I’m not appearance obsessed, I love my kids and appreciate my body for giving birth to them ... I just wanted to feel like myself again.)

Yes.
I went through:
Miscarriage and erpc under GA
Lap and dye
Clomid and all the hormonal rubbish
Termination for medical reasons
IVF cycle including lots of injections, close to OHSS and very painful embryo transfer
8 months of constant bleeding and anxiety
Pelvic girdle pain
Nausea and vomiting for 12 weeks
A valsalva retinopathy and nearly losing the sight in one eye
An EMCS and recovery

All to produce one healthy baby boy.
I didn’t do BF- I had done my share by then!
DH owes me big time for the rest of our lives!
He knows this and pretty much waits on me hand and foot though

mistermagpie
You may be right.

For me gratitude has the connotations of endless thanks, and that expectation is shown in some replies on this thread where posters are talking about it in terms of 'being thanked' for giving birth. That philosophy doesn't work for me because it feels almost transactional or like I've done DH a favour by being pregnant. It also, rightly or wrongly, feels like 'but I gave birth' is some sort of trump card with the implication of "you wouldnt have children if it wasn't for me", which whilst true isn't something I'd be happy clinging onto as it seems like an emotive stick to beat with.

Whereas appreciation and understanding is more like ongoing respect and recognition shown largely through actions and the way DH behaves as a father and a husband. I'd expect his actions to take account for what I went through during pregnancy, but wouldn't be expecting any "and I did this for you because you were pregnant". It's more like I'd expect any partner in a relationship to show consideration for what the other has been through, full stop.

I think different people have different expectations in terms of how they would like emotions to be shown.

DH owes me big time for the rest of our lives

See, I think its favours that are usually owed. Having a baby isn't doing your partner a favour.

Having a baby isn't doing your partner a favour.

She went through years of shit to produce a baby boy. Her partner (presumably) wanted a baby. She could have said 'nope' after the miscarriage, or drawn the line at clomid or IVF. But she didn't, and so she made her DH a father.

Dads get the same benefit of being a parent but none of the pregnancy shit. A bit of appreciation is so little in return.

To clarify, by 'appreciation' I mean little things. Foot rubs for swollen feet, kind words, sharing childcare, getting up at night feeds, good food, reassurance about post-partum looks.. that sort of thing. Just a bit of consideration durong a vulnerable time really. I have always known from his actions that my DH is incredibly grateful that I birthed his DC.

She went through years of shit to produce a baby boy. Her partner (presumably) wanted a baby. She could have said 'nope' after the miscarriage, or drawn the line at clomid or IVF. But she didn't, and so she made her DH a father.

Are you suggesting she continued on purely for her husband when in fact she'd rather have said 'nope'? If so then she's done him a massive favour, but I suspect she wanted to continue, so it's not a favour.

Gratitude
noun
1 the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
*
Lola this is the definition of gratitude I'm working from in my head. It's about being* thankful, not necessarily saying thank you.

So yes, we are talking about the same thing!

And I don't think my DH owes me anything. I didn't do him a favour, but I did do something hard that we both wanted and only I could do.

mistermagpie
We are, but others are talking about literally being thanked.
Words have different connotations attached to them, which is probably why there's numerous posters who have said they would expect appreciation rather than expressions of gratitude.

Are you suggesting she continued on purely for her husband when in fact she'd rather have said 'nope'?

Can you give me an example of something in life that you feel does deserve gratitude?

What's this nonsense that men don't get it and can't empathize as it's not something they go through- so women can't empathize with prostate cancer for example? Or ED or similar?

Funny how women are expected to be kind and understanding regardless, but the same can't be expected of men.

Can you give me an example of something in life that you feel does deserve gratitude?

Yes. When a stranger risks their life in flood waters to save yours. Less extreme, when your partner gives up their weekend whilst you're away to paint your bathroom, knowing you could have done it yourself but decided to make life easier for you. In both examples, there was no benefit to the sacrificer. In the example of having children, is day the chief beneficiary was the sacrificer

^I'd say, not is day

"In both examples, there was no benefit to the sacrificer"

There's always benefit to the sacrificer. It might be motivated by, religion, love, the feel good factor of doing good deeds, to satisfy being an adrenal junkie in a safe way, an ego boost etc.

We always get something back.

When a stranger risks their life in flood waters to save yours. Less extreme, when your partner gives up their weekend whilst you're away to paint your bathroom, knowing you could have done it yourself but decided to make life easier for you. In both examples, there was no benefit to the sacrificer.

I disagree that acts expressing gratitude should only ever be given when the sacrificer does not benefit at all. I think it's healthy and kind to be freely giving with gratitude, particularly with a partner. It's personal preference to an extent, but it does sound like the OP feels unappreciated which indicates something is amiss.

In the example of having children, is day the chief beneficiary was the sacrificer

What makes you think this? I'd say my DH absolutely benefits equally from our DC.

Not gratitude no - I wanted to have the children. He appreciates what I went though but I wouldnt expect anything else. Why would you?

@WaitrosesCheapestVodka in my experience the desire for parenthood is far stronger in women than men. Perhaps it's a biological imperative. Parenthood may give men enormous joy but I think ultimately women derive a far greater emotional benefit.

I let my partner and other people I love and care for know that I appreciate them as often as possible, often apropos of nothing. I think that's normal. That's different to what the OP is expressing a wish for. Ultimately her partner is insensitive and out of tune with her, irrespective of what's caused her change in appearance. I wouldn't put up with that myself.

What's this nonsense that men don't get it and can't empathize as it's not something they go through- so women can't empathize with prostate cancer for example? Or ED or similar?

"Funny how women are expected to be kind and understanding regardless, but the same can't be expected of men*
That's not how I read those posts. I took the people saying "but men can't understand" to be saying "because men can't really understand they should be displaying their gratitude to us because they'd never get it".

I agree with you by the way on people being able to show empathy to their partners regardless. In relationships there should be empathy and respect and appreciation throughout the relationship and support for each other through difficulties and challenges.

When the DC were small I ‘bounced back’ in the language of the OP. Let me tell you, DH had to make a lot of effort to enable me to bounce back. First up, he had sole responsibility for a baby and a toddler while I exercised, had my hair cut, had my legs waxed and went shopping for clothes to suit me. Secondly, he had to provide childcare for the time that I was at work earning the money to ‘bounce back’ as none of the things listed above come for free. To avoid childcare costs while the DC were young, I worked when he didn’t.
So in fact, it would actually have been easier for him to have a SAHM wife who didn’t have the money or time to invest in weight loss/appearance/self esteem.
So . . . If your husband thinks you should be on better form then he needs to free you up. I would also be very wary of being cast in the gruelling SAHM role unless your children have SEN or specific health issues.

I'm not going to comment on the philosophical side of all this, but re the back problems, book some one to ones with a qualified Pilates coach and then go to a class at least weekly. Doing that has transformed my back health! If anyone's got any tips for sorting wrist pain from DC hanging off them, I'm all ears.

OP, I think you need to prioritise spending time with people who are kind and think you are great. Are there any activities you enjoy? Bonus: DH will get to wrangle 3 DC.

mathan no I don't, the oldest is four so it would take ages! Luckily they have a dad and he looks after them when I'm running.

You are lucky to have a partner who can offer concrete support to you in reaching your goals.

The women I know have partners who spend 70-80 hours per week at the coal face and they themselves, being American, don't have more than three months off work for mat leave. They say that it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes something of a village to allow a mother to devote the time and energy that is required to be disciplined about exercise.