So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

"So, no, I didn't need his gratitude because I had his support and love.*
That's how I feel.
Personally the gushing thank you for bring pregnant and giving birth would wind me up and irritate me over time. Biology dictates how things work for us to have DC. It's a choice we both made. Pregnancy was complex in some ways and there's some postnatal changes that I've got to live with.

I don't need or want thanking and gratitude because I haven't done him a favour by growing our DC. I want to be appreciated,treated with respect and for my husband to play a full and active role in family life (Vs a man who does nothing, or worse "helps"🙄), which he does.

Totally agree timeisnotaline, I didn't gain much in pregnancy and was back to my usual weight within two or three weeks without trying. And then gained half a stone on maternity because breastfeeding and no sleep meant I craved sweet food and had no resources to deprive myself. Not an unusual story.

A (slim) friend gained four stone on her first, and was back in most of her usual clothes without crazy effort when she came back to work. I'm convinced pregnancy weight gain is something that just sort of happens and that in general we're just along for the ride.

But with the dinner analogy @WaitrosesCheapestVodka, either of you could have made it, so the thanks is acknowledging someone took a burden off you. If OP wanted kids then her only option was to bear them herself.

@EuroMillionsWinner - agree. We shouldn't expect gratitude, it should be considered as completely normal, that women normally bring much more into the family in terms of being those who are pregnant and give birth and mostly also make the most sacrifices in their career and private life to take care of the family.
My father was a complete narcissist arsehole who would always remind my mother how much she put on after three children while he was still slim. The fact that he wasn't even a Disney Dad, just a totally crap one who also put his own needs first, that my mother would try to save as much money by eating crap so he and us could eat good quality food didn't even resonate with him.
I will always wonder why an intelligent and well-educated woman put up with that crap for so long. Even her own parents were offering her a chance of a better life - all she had to do was to take us and move to them, they were very non-judgmental there.
She was just too stubborn to leave and put herself through abusive hell. Even now, in their 60s and divorced he sometimes texts her and tries to blackmail her for money by threatening that he will tell his children how she was cheating on him with his drink buddies. TBH, the only thing I would have doubted there would be her taste because they were all stinking half-alcoholics.
Society really sets a very low bar for men.

I don't need or want thanking and gratitude because I haven't done him a favour by growing our DC.

I didn't get pregnant as a favour to DH, I did it for us and our family unit. But tbph I do expect a bit of gratitude/appreciation for the sacrifices that involved. Even as simple as him having a glass of wine with our pizza on Saturday while I had a lemonade. A kind, caring partner would acknowledge those sacrifices, especially the big things like birth injuries etc.

I agree with those who say it’s maybe acknowledgement rather than gratitude. “I couldn’t have borne these babies as a male, and so my body hasn’t had to go through what yours has. I’m so happy to have our lovely children and will appreciate and be supportive of the woman who made that possible”, is the sort of thinking.

At the least, however, he not should be resenting you for not being exactly the same as you were, or somehow expecting you to hide or cover up the fact that it takes it’s toll!

My husband definitely appreciates what I went/am going through. He does a lot extra at home when I'm pregnant (ie more than his 50% when I was working, and more than his smaller percentage now I'm a SAHM).

He's always telling me how beautiful/sexy I am and how courageous & loving to endure childbirth/PGP/etc. I'm none of those things, but it's nice to hear

OP, sounds like you and your husband need to properly discuss how you're feeling.

A previous poster said something like 'I'm sure he loves you but he's just not good at empathy'
My response to that is surely if there's no empathy it's not love!
If you truly love someone you care about their feelings, you make the mental effort required to put yourself in their place and think about how it must feel?

I find threads like this really interesting.

If women decided having children just wasn't worth the hassle, the entire human race would die out. The continuation of the species is dependent on women looking at all that pregnancy and childbirth entails and deciding to go for it anyway. Thousands and thousands of women die each year as a result of pregnancy and childbirth and many more have life-long injuries and illnesses as a result of it.

Yet women say they don't want gratitude, not even from the person directly benefitting from their decision to go ahead and risk a pregnancy - their partner.

Meanwhile we express endless gratitude, in the form of ceremonies, ribbons, medals etc to the (mostly) men who have killed other people in wars on our behalf. We honour the people who kill and say nothing about the people who create life.

I think it's patriarchy's greatest achievement that women genuinely believe that what they sacrifice for childbearing is 'just biology.'

time I did say in theory everyone can be disciplined about eating. I know it's not that simple.

I don't have some sort of magical children either, my second son didn't sleep more than 1.5 hours at a time for two years. I have a newborn baby now and haven't had more than three or four hours sleep a night total for 12 weeks. Some days I do better than others but yeah, I work hard not to eat crap despite being exhausted and stressed with three children in the house. I'm not superhuman either, loads of people are the same.

The problem for a lot of people is ewvery baby is wrested as a massive concession from a man who probably couldn't care less if he never has a child but has one to keep the woman happy. I am not saying all men are like that and I know who bought his wife a £40k car as she agreed to have the 4th child he very much warnted and she didn't!

I'm honestly baffled by people who think expecting gratitude or appreciation for carrying children is being a martyr.

I thank strangers for holding the door open, I thank my husband for the things he does to contribute to our family and I don't think it's being a snowflake to hope for some sort of acknowledgement that pregnancy and childbirth is bloody hard work.

Women have been very explicitly taught not to value anything that is distinctly 'womanly' @mistermagpie and there is nothing more 'womanly' than childbirth. If women did make a big deal about having children, imagine the power they would have? The power to end the human race. Of course, men would soon put a stop to that - if women don't choose to have children, they can be forced to. But one can but dream!

I couldn't agree more TheDaily. You only have to look at the care women receive for postnatal health or birth injuries - if that was men you bet your bottom dollar there would be no products available for leaking bladders and what not, they would be fixed.

Thedailycarbuncle, I agree I think this issue is the quintessence of men's disempowerment of women, we do the most important work, the actual production of new humans, and they have gaslit us into feeling as if we should not be compensated for this

Brilliant post TheDailyCarbuncle.

MindyStClaire
I agree with you. It's like I said, I don't expect thanks or gratitude or being reminded how thankful DH is for me. It's a fact if biology that for us to have children, I'd carry them.

But I expect respect and appreciation of what I've been through, but that comes from being in a relationship with someone who is considerate and respectful, not by him saying thank you. DH doesn't need to thank me for carrying DC. He needs to be the best husband and father he can, pull his weight and view us as equal partners, which he does.

Sometimes I wonder if those seeking gratitude for being pregnant are in relationships where there's inequality and their contribution to the relationship is routinely undervalued / their DP/DH thinks he 'helps' with the children by not having a lie in til 11am on Saturday / their DP/DH expects them to do the wife work or waits to have tasks delegated to him.

Thanks for your replies, it is very interesting for me to hear what other people's partners / marriages are like.

I do agree with pp, a good analogy is making dinner - obviously you have to make dinner to feed yourself but it's not unreasonable to expect a thank you for doing so.

I'd have my children all over again in a heartbeat, even if it was with a sperm donor, so the sacrifice is worth it just for the love I have for them. But if I could magically make myself a man and still have three children without all the pregnancies etc I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat!

I've known a lot of women throughout their pregnancies and my observation is that the extent to which you "bounce back" is mostly luck - some people have easier pregnancies and births which impacts on diet and exercise pre and post birth, some have easier children that sleep more, and some people find that the weight falls off them whilst breastfeeding, whilst others like me struggle to lose anything whilst breastfeeding.

Number of children also makes a difference, no one else in our friendship group has 3,and it's been the third one that's had the greatest impact physically. So any comparison my husband makes with other women is likely to be with those that have only had one, or had two but more spaced out.

Also, imagine men had the babies and one posted an OP like the one here. Do you think all the other men would be falling all over themselves to say 'it's biology mate, you chose to have the baby, you don't get a medal'? Would they fuck.

I agree @UYScuti. Nothing makes that more obvious than the pro-life lobby. Of course elements of the pro-life lobby really believe that a blastocyst is a living being that babies' souls are being sacrificed etc and I really feel for their pain (though it's interesting that they don't stand outside army barracks and protest grown lives being sent to war to be extinguished but hey ho). However a large swathe of the pro-life lobby consists of men and their handmaidens ensuring that women don't get any ideas about being able to control their own reproduction because that is where real power for women lies. Once women realise, hey, hang on, without me your species dies, and what I'm doing by producing the next generation is pretty fucking vital to the human race (rather than being a drain on resources or a 'life choice' that warrants marginalisation and, in many cases, loss of opportunity and freedom) then suddenly men are at women's mercy. Of course women know that in fact that's the point that men will use their physical and societal strength against women so asserting that power feels very dangerous (because it is in fact dangerous).

It's unlikely that women will ever hold the future of the species to ransom. But for fuck's sake a bit of recognition isn't actually much to ask, not just from a partner, but from the world at large. It horrifies me the extent to which women will do men's jobs for them by saying 'oh I don't expect anything.' Rest assured that men expect plenty and will get it no matter what, so your self-deprecation does not serve you one bit.

Sometimes I wonder if those seeking gratitude for being pregnant are in relationships where there's inequality and their contribution to the relationship is routinely undervalued / their DP/DH thinks he 'helps' with the children by not having a lie in til 11am on Saturday / their DP/DH expects them to do the wife work or waits to have tasks delegated to him.

You might be right. I guess those who are actively seeking appreciation might just be those who feel
unappreciated? I didn't personally 'seek' gratitude, my husband just gave it, but we are a very equal household - we've shared the parental leave every time, both work part time, he's taken all the kids out today so I can arse about on here etc. And I suppose pregnancy is an area in which we can never be equal, so maybe he thinks it deserves recognition?

with the dinner analogy@WaitrosesCheapestVodka, either of you could have made it, so the thanks is acknowledging someone took a burden off you. If OP wanted kids then her only option was to bear them herself

They could have adopted, not had children, or not had three children. The OP endured 27 months of pregnancy in a 5 year period to establish their family, and has stayed at home with 3 young children. A simple thank you and an absence of contempt is so little to ask for.

Some argue that true altruism does not exist. Does this mean we shouldn't say thank you for anything, as everything is self-serving to a degree? Or perhaps, partners should treat eachother with love and compassion and acknowledge when personal sacrifices have been made.

I can't imagine a situation in which a man would go through a 9 month process of bodily change that often bring sickness, tiredness, pain and sometimes bring severe illness, injury and death, ending in, for many, an extremely scary process that involves the most pain a human can endure, and not expect massive gratitude for it. Heck, I've known men who expect gratitude for picking up their own pants off the floor.

I do agree with pp, a good analogy is making dinner - obviously you have to make dinner to feed yourself but it's not unreasonable to expect a thank you for doing so
Whereas I don't think that works as an analogy.DH said well done to me after birth and was very affectionate, but I don't think he's ever said thank you and I'd find it odd to be thanked routinely after something happened.

To me, the analogy would be less like dinner and more like someone throwing a surprise birthday party or an event. There's some expression of emotion or thanks or appreciation at the time but I wouldn't expect someone to thank me 6 months later, a year later, 5 years later for the party I threw them.

mistermagpie You and DH sound similar to me and DH. There was no seeking gratitude or thanks but his actions day in day out are thoughtful, respectful and if a post pregnancy issue is causing me grief then he gets me a cup or tea and is supportive.
Then again I'm very much someone who judges by actions over time rather than one offs and words.

Heck, I've known men who expect gratitude for picking up their own pants off the floor.
More fool anyone who sets the bar that low and accepts it.