So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

@ElbasAbsentPenis It's not one or the other though. It's not disgust or awe, there's a whole swathe of middle ground.

Beyond that, there are our actual thoughts and then the thoughts we express. We all have unpleasant, unkind thoughts but keeping those to ourselves and only expressing the kinder ones is the true test of someone's character.

No doubt my husband has sometimes thought I looked a bit grim or wanted to puke when I pooped for the 17th time during labour, but he doesn't tell me those things because it's not very kind. Likewise, I don't mention his expanding beer belly and greying hair.

What a jumbled reply/post from me there. Sorry.
That's what you get when MNetting when you're 3 hours into a cluster feeding session.

Trahira yes I am currently a SAHM (which is what we both agreed on at his instigation, as he always resented his mum for not being there for him in childhood as she worked long hours)...but yes that could be part of it.

I'm in almost the exact same boat as you - 3 dc under 5, varying degrees of birth injury, weight gain and loss, back problems, the general stuff that comes with being pregnant etc etc etc.

Yes, I expect this to be acknowledged and yes, I do expect gratitude actually. My DH wouldn't have our lovely children at all if it wasn't for the sacrifices I have made with my body and career (three maternity leaves in five years means I'm hardly the shining light at my workplace!). Luckily I get both from him and he totally acknowledges what it has done to me to build our family.

One area that this has come up is contraception. I spent years on the pill and have done pregnancy and childbirth three times - in my opinion I've done my bit for family planning and I'm finished with it. It's his turn now. So he's booked a vasectomy!

It's a choice though

I wouldn't have done that to my body 3 times in less than 5 years.

You don't get awarded a medal

I suppose I meant to add you can have all sorts of uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings about your partner’s body and still love them. I am grossed out by DH’s hairy arse crack; I am annoyed by his snoring; I am a bit alarmed by his ballooning belly. But it’s his body. I still love him. You’ve got to be able to tolerate the complexity of still loving your partner while being a bit disgusted by them, or resentful of their dependency sometimes, if you’re going to grow old together, IMO.

I did get a push present for the second baby by the way, and will be getting one for the third who is only three months (not sure what happened with the first!).

Cross posted, @LoveIsLovely - yes I agree entirely.

Like others I don't like the word gratitude here, and I also don't like the idea that he shouldn't be nasty and critical of your body because the changes are pregnancy-related. He shouldn't be nasty and critical about your body because that's not how you talk to people you love. You shouldn't need an 'excuse' to be treated with kindness.

Of course it's a choice, nobody is saying it isn't. But, as a couple, we chose to have three kids in five years, unfortunately we couldn't carry those children as a couple so I had to do it. And yes, our joint choice affected me in a way it didn't affect my DH. Nothing wrong with wanting to be appreciated for that.

It this situation doesn't exist in a vacuum - I also appreciate lots of things my DH does fit our family and show it too.

I don't expect gratitude or thanks. Nobody forced me to have children, I chose to.

Equally I wouldn't expect disgust or nasty comments about my body changes after pregnancy.

If I didn't want any of the downsides that go along with it I shouldn't have had children basically. It wasn't my DH fault and I speak as someone who had terrible pregnancies and severe pre eclampsia in both.

I find this attitude totally alien to me actually. So you can't moan about your stressful job because you applied for it? Or your husband shouldn't say thank you for the dinner you have made because you're going to eat it too? My relationship just doesn't work this way, we support each other and show each other appreciation for lots of things and pregnancy and childbirth is just one of them.

3 kids each is just awful.

Well aren't you nice?

This is a problem with him being horrible about your body generally, not about him not understanding what your body has gone through in pregnancy. I don’t think him understanding will make him any nicer a person.

He doesn't actually say anything nasty / critical but his tone is one of frustration with my health issues, and gives the impression of being physically repelled by my appearance at the moment.

So technically he is not outwardly being nasty, but is not being very loving either.

Maybe comparison is the thief of joy, in his friendship group some of the wives bounced back better, and pregnancy didn't really seem to effect them. So maybe that's his benchmark, so sees me as being a bit pathetic in comparison.

I know it's hard but it is possible to lose the weight. I did it after both babies. Now I'm getting older I gained weight again (3 stone), and losing it again. Go for a jog when your husbands home, he can look after the baby. I felt depressed being a couple of stones overweight so I know how you feel.

I think a lot of it depends on your expectations. Before you’ve been pregnant or has a baby it’s impossible to articulate how you are going to feel about the whole process. Even afterwards it’s very difficult to unpack your feelings around pregnancy, childbirth and the aftermath. Expecting a person (even a husband or partner) who hasn’t gone through it to be able to understand is, on some level, unrealistic I think.

That’s not to say that they shouldn’t even try to get it right, but even then they will probably get it wrong 🤣. For instance, if my husband had behaved like @LoveIsLovely’s I’d have found that OTT and intrusive, whereas it was exactly what she needed. (Please note, this is absolutely not a “poor men” excuse, as it would apply equally to a female partner who hadn’t carried their baby).

However, I think you need to separate his attitudes towards you from the pregnancy and childbirth aspects. If you put on weight because you like cake, would you think it was acceptable for him to comment on it? If you hurt your back falling downstairs would you think it was acceptable for him to be arsey about it? If you couldn’t have sex because you had galloping thrush would you think it was acceptable for him to be a twat? Obviously the answer is absolutely not to all of these!

Missing the point here Beautiful3...

3 kids each is just awful

?

We have 3dc in total... Not 3dc each...

I'm not asking for a push present, I'm not actually bothered about presents or material things actually. Just a thank you and some compassion.

@gingersausage You'd find it intrusive for your husband to support you? I literally couldn't walk after giving birth. Is it really intrusive for him to facilitate care for our child in those circumstances.

Some of you have very low expectations.

“So maybe that's his benchmark, so sees me as being a bit pathetic in comparison.”

This still shows him up as being unkind, even if you think it is an acceptable excuse

Not gratitude but acknowledgement. My DH has always acknowledged that my body went through all the change while his stayed the same.

That's a decent human surely?

Not gratitude but acknowledgement. My DH has always acknowledged that my body went through all the change while his stayed the same.

Yes... That's all I want.

Thanking each other - you for him being the provider and he you for having kids seems overkill. You both knowingly took on those roles as presumably it suits the domestic set up you both want. Basic dat to day mutual appreciation should be a given though

You've said he's mentioned that you wanted kids and I do think that's at the heart of a lot of disparity between men and women over attitudes to child rearing. In my experience having kids is driven by women with men ambivalent about it and this ambivalence continues into areas such as child care and the costs of it so the burden often falls on women. Yes, if men aren't committed to having kids then they shouldn't but the reality is they do so to please their partners. I'm aware some men actively want kids and are great fathers but I don't know any women personally where the family agenda was driven by the man.