So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

I never expected gratitude, I wanted children and I knew what that involved so it was a joint decision. I would be bloody furious if there was any suggestion of me not being physically perfect because of having children and I expected help/support in a practical way.

For something like back problems I'd expect sympathy and help regardless of what caused it. I am my husband's carer, he has a spinal condition that is a degenerative and boy has it been degenerating over the last 30 years. I do lots for him, worry for him, organise prescriptions for him but I do it because I love him not because I am responsible for it. I hope that makes sense.

OP, I think your DH is a shit. And I think couples counselling would be a good idea, unless he’s so emotionally abusive that he would simply gaslight the counsellor and try to get them on his side.
I don’t think you’d be posting on MN if he was just a bit thoughtless.
I think you feel unloved, undesired, unappreciated, treated with contempt and your self esteem has taken a massive hit. You’re stuck at home, exhausted with ill health and child care, and you don’t even have the professional validation, salary and ego boost of being at work.
All of this needs to be thrashed out with “D”H, rather than suffered in silence.
My own DH took annual leave and changed all of DD’s nappies for the first 2 weeks - I had to beg to do one so I could practice before he went back to work. He said that as I had to do all the feeding, he was happy to do all the changing. He was always loving and appreciative, he was “in awe” of what women went through with labour etc.
I regard that as a normal attitude from a husband. I think you are right to be concerned about yours.

Was your husband involved with your pregnancies - as in, helping out, attending appointments, aware of issues? Our example is not the best as we had a 6y infertility struggle so my DH was super-involved in every step: morning sickness, SPD that had me work from home from 7m and then severe pre-eclampsia which landed me in ICU for 3 days after emergency C-section. Baby in all of this was perfectly fine and healthy.

The first thing he said to me was 'thank you' and 'I could have never imagined how brutal this could be'. He took 2w holiday on top of his 2w paternity to make sure I have space and time to recover.

However, I am fully aware that this was, to a large extent, prompted by severe problems we had conceiving and then throughout pregnancy. I don't know if he would have been as understanding and appreciative if he wasn't as involved and if I had a normal healthy pregnancy as I think it would have been more abstract for him to imagine the more subtle/less obvious changes and issues.

I think as PP said upthread that Society has programmed women into becoming almost a machine ,which gets pregnant,keeps working till the last minute .And then has babe and is expected to get "back to normal" in a few months That reminds me of something my mother said to me. She was born 100 years ago, she had 3 children in the early Call the Midwife years and coped with pretty much anything. Do you remember Princess Diana coming out of hospital the day after Prince William was born, I think it was the next day. She was made up, hair done, smiling and looking amazing. My mother shook her head and said, "That is so unfair." I wasn't sure what she meant and she said, "Well that gives men the wrong idea about having babies. What about the women who have had a hard delivery, what about the women who don't have money for a nice dress and a fancy hair do. How is any man going to sympathise with them now, they will just think Well Princess Diana didn't have any problems." I thought she was being silly but looking back I wonder if that is when the unrealistic expectations started.

I never expected gratitude for DS from DH - we'd agreed to try for a family and only I could carry a baby.

However, DH looked after me following a C-section, cared for DS and I during that time (DS was ill immediately after birth so DH had me with an infected CSection scar and DS in hospital to contend with). He saw his role as making sure I was healthy, happy and rested in the first few months whilst I got me and DS better. He'd do all the night time feeds in the first few months even though I was at home as he could sleep on the train to work and he knew the birth had taken its toll (his words).

I'm now 2 stone heavier than I was before DS's birth. DH has never mentioned it. He's supported me when I wanted to try to lose weight because I wanted to - never a hint from him. He's loved me when some weight piled back on and still does.

So, no, I didn't need his gratitude because I had his support and love.

I think, try to be gentle on yourself as a lot of this will resolve in the fullness of time. I also think that learning to love yourself as you are is a very powerful thing.

Somewhere along the way I have grown some fairly strong self-esteem. This has partly come out of adversity: bereavement, marital crisis and secondary infertility have all featured in my life. I am not particularly wrapped up in appearance but I aim to love the bits of myself that I can at any one point in time. I am great. I have to be great, because I am the only 'me' I've got.

I remember coming home from the hospital after having my child and looking at my reflection in a full length mirror, wearing a dark pink maternity top. Enormous boobs, a huge rounded stomach and I felt tremendous, like a goddess, the most womanly I have ever felt in my life.

I am now in my forties. I'm a little overweight and useless at make-up etc, but my eyes shine, my hair flows, my figure looks good and I cherish the life stage that I am at now.

Your DH may have issues of his own, but try to circle yourself in your own love.

Also had a very difficult pregnancy. I wouldn't expect gratitude but I would expect respect, affection and support, which it doesn't sound like you're getting.

I think the first thing is to start loving yourself as you are. I know that's hard when you're going through such a difficult time but your H sounds pretty unsupportive and he's contributing to your feeling bad about yourself. These days we're shown pics of women, days after the birth, looking as if it never happened. But how you're feeling is far more normal. Give yourself a pat on the back for all you've achieved and take some time out to do things you like (even if it's only a nice bath or coffee with a friend) and let him look after the DCs for a while.

Agreed @1forsorrow. When my mum had me in the early 60s, first time mums stayed in hospital for 10 days if they'd had a C-section - which my mum did. Seven days if you had a vaginal, uncomplicated, birth. Any stitches and you stayed in for 10 days.

During that time the wound (f you had one) was looked after, babies stayed in a nursery overnight and would be brought to mum if they cried for a feed. Babies went back on the ward during the day only. So mums got a proper nights sleep with very little disturbance - the nursery wasn't near the ward so you didn't hear the babies crying.
Mums would be fed, cared for and taught how to change nappies, mix feeds if they bottle fed, bath the baby and generally got back on their feet.

Mum said the women would be able to chat with the other mums - she made a couple of lasting friendships on that ward, bathe, do their hair, do their make up etc for visitors so they felt back to being 'them' when they came out. Meanwhile the dads were getting things ready at home. It was all less rushed.

Subsequent babies meant mum could come out sooner because she was experienced. All NHS and all meant to get mum ready for that first few months. Mum said she felt able to cope when she got home. Dad had the adjustment time too so he'd got everything set up ready for my arrival. Family visited in the hospital when matron would chase them out if it got too much.

When I had DS baby stayed with me on the ward all night. Along with all the others so not much sleep with waking babies and feeding mums. Meals got cold because baby needed feeding or changing - nurses would change baby at meal times in mum's day. I stayed in for five days because DS was poorly but otherwise would have been home in three.

It just seems to rushed but women are still expected to be smiley and content immediately without the rest and help they used to have.

Maybe I really envy your mindset. I've never felt so horrible about my body as I did in the immediate aftermath of giving birth, which I know is really wrong - my body had just done the most amazing thing and hated it.

DH tells me often how grateful he is to me for our three children.

He had a vasectomy after our youngest was born and I was thinking about getting a coil fitted. He said and I quote, "this is what I can do for us after you've done everything" and off he toddled.

Out of everything, that made me feel the most appreciated. And in turn I'm grateful to him, because I hate what hormones do to my body.

I think YABU but he shouldnt be expressing contempt at your body!

Mistermagpie generally you’re being pretty supportive but it’s not just discipline! I remember getting the physio approval to go for walks at 10 weeks pp with ds1. With ds2 I had a prolapse so didn’t dare any kind of run attempt until 6 months after a course of physio and post natal Pilates. With non sleepers I ate chocolate all night starting at midnight to stay conscious. Recovering from having a baby while parenting one is hard work for many women.

LondonJax I had my first in 1971 and it was standard for normal delivery to be in for 8 days. Experience much like your mothers and I feel sorry for young women who have so much pressure from themselves and others.

I'd ask him to show his gratitude by having a vasectomy and taking the pressure off you regarding contraception.

my mum says the same, she had hers in the 70s and she thinks the setup now is rubbish - fine if you've got experienced family and friends and/or a husband at home ready to support you but a lot of women aren't as lucky as that.

time - oh god of course you're right, sorry I didn't mean to come across like that.

I've been very lucky to have pretty straightforward births and pregnancies and to be able to return to exercise not long after. I realise that's not the case for everyone, especially with things like SPD and c-sections at play.

Everyone can, in theory, be disciplined about what they eat, but I'll admit I found being pregnant with a 2 and 4 year old meant that went out of the window this time. So I am working hard to lose the weight for my 40th in a couple of months.

All that said and done (and to return to the point!) there has been no pressure from my DH about any of this, he couldn't care less what I weigh.

I put in YABU because you shouldn't expect gratitude.
Instead, I suggest you read this article. Really an eye-opener:

medium.com/personal-growth/guess-who-has-the-most-power-in-a-relationship-5746b7859c5c

Gratitude is fair. Why shouldn't the OP's DH be grateful that she has spent the last 5 years going through three pregnancies abd looking after his young children? Yes, biologically that's the rub, but her going through the utter ordeal of pregnancy 3 times is not a given.

I have only had one and DH made it clear throughout he was grateful.

And wtf at the judgy reaction to a 20kg weight gain. I gained 16kg and most women I know gained this, and at no point did any clincian suggest concern. The NHS suggests below 14kg, is it so shocking that if you have a shitty pregnancy you'll gain a stone more than the suggested amount? I know someone who gained 30kg, she's very health minded (far more so than me), but was just unlucky with her pregnancy.

I gained 4 stone in my first pregnancy!! I think that's more than 20kg? I was underweight you begin with but still... it was a lot. Nobody expressed any concern though and I lost it all by his first birthday. It really depends on a lot of things, how much weight we put on, and it's best not to judge.

her going through the utter ordeal of pregnancy 3 times is not a given.

Of course it's not, and she didn't have to do it. But she wanted to so chose to. It's not a selfless act of martyrdom

I think Babdoc, coduroyal and math are right. Sadly, though, all you have to do is read the Relationship board here to realise how low some people's bar is and how many women put up with arseholes.

Actually everyone can’t be disciplined about what they eat, the theory says it’s not that simple. Discipline takes willpower which takes mental energy and the studies show that the tired we are the less mental and physical energy we have. So if your baby never ever bloody goes to sleep, you are some exceptional human being if you can still exercise willpower on what you eat.
I’ll get off my high horse now. To be clear my husband says I look beautiful no matter what weight. And so he should after I’ve had our babies!

Of course it's not, and she didn't have to do it. But she wanted to so chose to. It's not a selfless act of martyrdom

I see. So we can only hope for gratitude for selfless acts of martyrdom?

If DH makes dinner I say thank you. Most people do, don't they? He's going to eat the dinner too, but he went through the slight faff of cooking so I say thank you. Dinner must be about 0.05% of the inconvenience that a pregnancy entails, let alone 3 in quick succession.