So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras you post as though women make choices in a vacuum.

Obviously that's not true.

Do you believe your children are solely yours? It sounds a bit of a power trip. If your foetus had been discovered to have abnormalities at the 20 week scan would the decision about whether to continue have been 100% on you, nothing to do with your husband?

If your husband had changed his mind when you were 14 weeks into a mutually wanted planned pregnancy and decided he didn't want a child with you after all, and left you to live with Sue next door, would the baby not be his responsibility in any way, including financially and emotionally, given you decided alone to continue the pregnancy and in your view the decision to become pregnant was also yours alone.

If you really believe that the incomprehension is mutual.

If your foetus had been discovered to have abnormalities at the 20 week scan would the decision about whether to continue have been 100% on you, nothing to do with your husband?

Yes, it would have been and indeed it was. There was a high risk that my first child had Downs syndrome. My DH wanted me to have an amnio and then a termination if it was confirmed (as did the grandparents). I decided that I didn't want that and refused further tests. I decided that if necessary I would raise the child on my own, if it came to it. I refused the initial screening for downs in my 2nd pregnancy and again that was my sole decision and my husband accepted it because ultimately the pregnancy was happening to my body. Had I chosen to terminate it would have been my choice because it was happening to my body.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras do you carry that belief through to absolving your husband of any and all responsibility for the child after birth, if he decides at any point before birth that he doesn't want it?

To be blunt , I expected acknowledgement but not “gratitude” and I wouldn’t have put myself through another pregnancy if I had serious heath issues that I couldn’t treat.
Sounds very risky and that’s your choice , not his

I'm not sure what you're asking - if whilst I was pregnant he had decided that he wanted nothing to do with the baby would I have just let him walk away? Yes, I would have done. The same thing happened to him and his father left when he was born and has never had anything to do with him, financially.or otherwise. He's been raised by his mum and her family secure in feeling lived by the people who raised him. That's what I would have done had the same happened. I wouldn't have forced someone to be involved when they didn't want to be. That's entirely my opinion though and would have been my decision and other people will make other choices for themselves.

My husband bought me some beautiful pearl drop earrings as a thank you for carrying and giving birth to our son. I had an elective CS as he was lying breech and although my recovery was relatively straightforward, it was uncomfortable!!!

He has been a supportive father and husband since, despite pressures of his demanding job.

YANBU.

So you genuinely believe that when a couple plan a family and actively and deliberately in full awareness try to conceive together and create an embryo, this is still at every point in time solely and completely, 100% the woman's responsibility.

In your world view, men are utterly and completely absolved of absolutely all responsibility for their planned children as long as they say so before the birth.

If you ruled the world absent fathers would not pay maintenance presumably.

This does explain where your coming from.

It's a rather niche view, I hope.

Sorry that last post was to Zebras if that isn't obvious.

My husband isn't a "touchy feely" type at all, but he could see how much I struggled at the end of pregnancy (utterly exhausted, to the point of nodding off while talking to him on the sofa after we both got home from work, massive SPD issues at the end which meant night after night of broken sleep even before baby arrived). Then the fairly traumatic csection, recovery including an awful incision infection and incontinence for a few months after, add a horrific bf journey on top and I was a shell of myself for many months after birth.

dh has only ever known me as a "power through it"/"sleep is for the weak"/get by with popping a couple of paracetamol if in severe pain go-getter, used to operating in high stress situations where I've had little sleep due to my job...

Pregnancy and the birth and the recovery was the first time in many years thatch was me as human/vulnerable and I think it shook him up. It certainly did me!

He's repeatedly said thank you for going through that, and although I don't want thanks, it does make me feel better (I'm still not physically recovered) that he understands a bit about what I went through. It's important to me that he knows what i experienced because I don't think either of us were fully prepared or expected a few things going pear shaped after a very easy and uneventful six months of pregnancy at the start.

Oh yes, and I think it's important that he understands from a practical level too. When I had toilet accidents outside of the home post birth, I had to start carrying a change of clothing for myself for a few months too.

It also meant the option that I had naively thought about, going back to work a bit earlier around 5-6 months, literally wasn't an option, which impacted our finances.

You can't do my job on the front line while you're at risk of having toilet accidents and I didn't really want to speak to HR to explain why I needed a desk job / special adaptations where I could guarantee access to the loo and clothing... It's a male dominated sector so this type of thing simply doesn't occur!

So DH and I had to face up to the fact that my theory of heading back at 5 months was not viable... And we took a hit financially..

“ I literally looked like the Michelin man and even though my DH tried to make me feel better it didn't work because of how I felt about myself.”

I note the ” my DH tried to make me feel better” part, and compare to the OP...

So you genuinely believe that when a couple plan a family and actively and deliberately in full awareness try to conceive together and create an embryo, this is still at every point in time solely and completely, 100% the woman's responsibility.

Nope and I never said that. The ultimate decision rests with the woman because it's her body. What exactly do you mean by "responsibility" at every point in time? If they discuss having a child and then the woman changes her mind then that's that. It's her decision.

In your world view, men are utterly and completely absolved of absolutely all responsibility for their planned children as long as they say so before the birth.

Again, no. I clearly said that was my choice, for me and that others choose differently. Nothing to do with my world view. Just my choice, for me.

Sigh... ok hearhooves you think it's weird, we get you. But if anyone is being a martyr to their pregnancy problems, it sound like it's you. Even with your potential Down's syndrome and life threatening pre-eclampsia and looking like the Michelin man and what have you, you still soldiered on and expected nothing from you partner because... drum roll... it was your choice.

Well bully for you but the OP feels different and so do I.

Most men don't give a shit, OP.
Until the day men experience pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and its affects and impacts, men will continue to devalue or underrate these experiences.

mistermagpie

Not a martyr at all. I really wanted to have children and these were the things that were part of that experience. It wasn't anyone's fault or responsibility, it just was.

My husband loves our children and is a great dad, that's enough appreciation for me. He appreciates that our children are in the world and that's enough.

I don't think mutual gratitude is necessarily a bad thing in a relationship. I am grateful to my husband for the sacrifices he made to ensure we had a roof over our heads in the early days of our marriage when I wasn't earning much- that doesn't mean he didn't want a roof as much as I did. He is grateful to me for having carried and fed his children though I wanted them as much as he did. Both could have decided differently: he could have decided not to marry me since he knew I was poor, I could have decided not to have children since I knew there was a risk of physical damage. Both pleased ourselves and each other. There is nothing humiliating about gratitude that is freely given. It's one of those things that make life run smoother.