So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

I don't think people are really talking about gushing 'thank yous' for years and years after the event or anything, more a sense of recognition and appreciation for what you go through to carry a child, whether that be through words or actions or both.

I'm tough on myself about weight and fitness, always have been. I'm a runner and I worry about being too slow and not doing as well now etc. My DH tells me often not to be so hard on myself because I've had three pregnancies in five years and the impact of that shouldn't be underestimated. That's an example of what I mean really - he's not saying 'thank you very much for having the children darling' all the live long day, but he does recognise the impact of it.

@UYScuti and you’re trying to make it sound like it’s something that most women do under sufferance for and on behalf of men, and that we actually have no autonomy or part in the decision at all.

Why would expect fawning praise and gratitude for doing something I chose to do? Yes, having children was a mutual decision, but if that decision was made on the fact that I was willing to be pregnant and give birth. If I hadn’t have been, we wouldn’t have had children. It’s as simple as that. Thanks and acknowledgment of how shit my pregnancies were? Absolutely required and given freely, but gratitude just implies a level of something that I just didn’t feel.

More fool anyone who sets the bar that low and accepts it.

Yes because it's always the woman who is in the wrong, no matter what.

Sometimes I wonder if those seeking gratitude for being pregnant are in relationships where there's inequality and their contribution to the relationship is routinely undervalued / their DP/DH thinks he 'helps' with the children by not having a lie in til 11am on Saturday / their DP/DH expects them to do the wife work or waits to have tasks delegated to him.

For me it's more that we don't take most actions for granted, and since child bearing far outstrips the fact my husband nipped to Primark for new bedding yesterday, I'd appreciate a thank you, and he wouldn't begrudge giving one.

The bedding benefits us both. The baby would be one we both chose.

Not that hard to say thanks, nor to show appreciation of what each other does!

I find it a bit that people seem sniffy at the mere idea of being thanked for it!

I wouldn't expect gratitude no, but then I definitely would not expect contempt and disgust either. Has your DH really expressed these feelings towards you or is that perhaps how you feel about yourself so are just a bit more sensitive and perhaps taking things the wrong way.

You want thanks but you don't want gratitude ginger? Have I read that right?

Thanks as in “thanks carrying our baby”, like “thanks for a nice dinner” or thanks for “putting the bins out” not the sort of eternal gratitude that to some seems to involve presents, endless self-flagellation and pedestal elevation.

Who mentioned 'presents, endless self-flagellation and pedestal elevation' @gingersausage? You seem to have made that one up in your own head!

Not that hard to say thanks, nor to show appreciation of what each other does!

I find it a bit that people seem sniffy at the mere idea of being thanked for it!

This is how I feel about it, I thank all sorts of people, including my husband, for all sorts of trifling little nothings all the time. It's not a lot to think that a husband (not society at large or anything, but the just the other parent of the baby) might show some gratitude to his wife for the ordeal that pregnancy and childbirth can be.

Some people on here have said that they would actually be irritated by it! I can't understand that.

eternal gratitude that to some seems to involve presents, endless self-flagellation and pedestal elevation.

Well you've just made that up now haven't you? Nobody has said that.

eternal gratitude that to some seems to involve presents, endless self-flagellation and pedestal elevation.

yes, clearly what the OP is looking for.

My DH is currently carving my post-partum bod into a marble sculpture. We're turning our front garden into a temple to Gaia, I've asked he leaves lindt balls as daily offerings.

I'm honestly baffled by people who think expecting gratitude or appreciation for carrying children is being a martyr.

So am I, I used the word martyr and that's not what I said. In response to another post, I made the point that bearing children is not an act of martyrdom. For most women it's actually of self fulfilment.

It is interesting how much women are expected to understand and be understanding about how men feel and think and what they go through but men aren’t expected to put much effort into the same for women

But if I could magically make myself a man and still have three children without all the pregnancies etc I would absolutely do it in a heartbeat! Maybe that makes a difference, I've always felt sorry for men because they will never know what it is like to be pregnant and give birth. I must be a masochist because I always had bad morning (all day) sickness, had a horrible episiotomy with one, one EMCS when I burst my stitches (ironically burst them laughing but it definitely wasn't funny) and for a finale had a very nasty forceps delivery. No idea why I enjoyed it.

I've known a lot of women throughout their pregnancies and my observation is that the extent to which you "bounce back" is mostly luck Age came into it with me, I definitely bounced back at 17, pushing 40 I didn't bounce much at all.

Some people on here have said that they would actually be irritated by it! I can't understand that.
That was me and I would.
We had our affection and well done after birth, but beyond that DH shows appreciation for me and what I bring to our family regularly so if he kept bringing up "thank you for being pregnant" it would irritate me. I'd wonder why he was thanking me out of the blue for it.

But as I also said, I'm an actions person, not a words person. I'd equally find regular romantic gushing and gestures for valentine's days/anniversaries the top and awkward, but love it when he takes DC and says to put my feet up because he's cooking my favourite food. Or when I'm in a rubbish mood because my pelvis is hindering my exercise and he empathises, gives me a back rub. It's appreciation and care, not "sorry you've got a sore back from pregnancy I'm so thankful you carried DC and I'm grateful for the fact you were pregnant".

For me there's a difference between showing appreciation to your partner because that's part of being in a loving relationship and seeking gratitude/thanks for something.

Life would be boring if we all had the same love language.

But nobody is suggesting that their partner should regularly keep saying 'thank you for being pregnant' all the time are they? Not one person has said they want that.

It's about feeling appreciated, understood and recognised for what you have contributed to the family. In whatever way that works for you as a couple. And it works both ways, I show my appreciation to my husband for everything he does without having to say 'thank you for going to work' or something every day.

I actually think we are talking about the same thing, but you and other posters are getting bogged down by thinking that 'gratitude' has to involve someone verbally saying 'thank you' all the time.

Unless the woman really wants kids and the man doesnt, I dont think expecting a bit of gratitude is too much to ask.

If the man wanted kids as well, in my opinion it shows respect to actively acknowledge that the woman has to sacrifice a hell of a lot more, attest physically, even if everything else in their marriage or partnership is equal.

I'm not saying I think the man should start every day with flowers and breakfast in bed as a lifelong show of appreciation, but a simple one off 'thanks for everything you went through to bring our babies into the world, I know it wasnt easy on you and I'll support you however i can in your recovery' isn't a lot of effort and would go a long way.

And I dont buy the 'men havent been through it so cant understand' argument - you dont need loads of empathy to understand how it would feel to have stitches in your genitals, a couple of stone to lose, stretch marks, back ache and the embarrassment of pissing yourself etc

If the man doesnt want kids though then I guess the woman is doing it more just for herself.

And I agree it doesn't need to be words either. I've had back pain since pregnancy and picking up young kids, my husband knows the reason for this and gives me regular massages to help. I'd feel gutted if I thought he was somehow looking down on my body for being 'broken' by pregnancy

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my husband is gearing up to cheat on me after having a baby. My confidence is at rock bottom. He always implied that he wouldn't care how my body changed when carrying out child. Turns out, not true!

Thanks everyone, it's useful, and it's nice to see that out there in the world there's 400 people who don't think I'm being unreasonable about it, and only about 100 that do,bit makes me feel better.

What to do about it... I know I should be able to talk to him about it, but I don't think I will get the result I want, I don't think he'll change, I think he will just become defensive and interpret it as me blaming him for my various ailments.

Better off left and just to focus on what I can do about my health. In fairness he's pretty good with facilitating me going for a swim or whatever so I'll just focus on what I can do. Hopefully in time I'll forgive / forget about this point in our relationship, once we're out of this phase.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my husband is gearing up to cheat on me after having a baby. My confidence is at rock bottom. He always implied that he wouldn't care how my body changed when carrying out child. Turns out, not true!

Yes... I hear you...

Not being funny, but does he look as good as he did when you met? Obviously they don't carry the babies but men get older too and lots of them put on weight etc. I mean, ok if he's some sort if age defying hunk or something I suppose, but if not it's a bit rich to make you feel bad about your looks changing.

Very interested in this thread.
But all I have to contribute is the, to some, mind-blowing info that I gained 31 kilo in my last pregnancy, and that without any particular medical issues. Just bad morning sickness for the first 20 weeks. Am just greedy I guess!
But it'll come off. It's no big deal. Am 12 kilo down already at 3 weeks pp.