So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

@Noconceptofnormal

I'm not actually a hugely appearance driven person (I don't get manicures or regular haircuts, not that bothered about clothes, shoes, handbags etc) but l was lucky to have a good figure pre pregnancy. Obviously I don't expect to look the same as I did before, as I am 5 years older and had kids, but it is hard when rather than aging 5 years, you feel like it's more like 15!

So yes my self esteem is low, so it would really help if my husband gave me some compliments, was more affectionate and so on. Not going into details but I'm well aware that he doesn't find me physically attractive at the moment (and objectively I'm not) so that side of it is not me projecting.

I think you need to start ring fencing some time to yourself to get a haircut or a manicure/pedicure or a massage. This may sound strange, but making time for yourself for this sort of purpose can be an effective way of asserting your worth.

You may not even fancy the actual appearance of polished nails, but the care and attention the technician or the masseuse will give to you will be very nice, and your nicely done nails will be a reminder to your H that you care about yourself. It is a subtle way of telling him to show you respect and appreciation, and more likely to be a win for you than asking him to be nice to you. Let him think you are doing it for him if that's the direction he seems to be going in.

Obviously, he will have to handle the care of the children while you are out of the house. Maybe a salutary lesson awaits him.

You are worth the time spent on yourself. You are worth the money involved too. Don't rush home afterwards. Get a coffee somewhere.

@Noconceptofnormal

Going swimming while he cares for the children is nice, but under current conditions it tells him that you are trying to regain your health in order to please him, giving him a taste of power and maybe an appetite for more.

Your physical recovery and return to health isn't something he can demand of you. Work on that only for yourself or you will rightly feel oppressed and become depressed.

mathan - not sure if that's a dig about my (or my husbands?) work ethic but whatevs, we both work reduced hours so we can enjoy our lives, spend time as a family and separately doing our hobbies and not be hanging out at 'the coal face' for 80 hours a week.

Odd one out. Yes, I do expect gratitude.

If my partner endangered his health and went through unbearable pain for us to have a child I would feel grateful.

No, no dig intended at all, and I apologise for how I came across.

You are lucky to be able to work reduced hours and achieve a good work-life balance.

If my partner endangered his health and went through unbearable pain for us to have a child I would feel grateful.

Yes! This. My goodness I am so much more grateful for so much less than this with him. I've been through so much pain and discomfort over the past 5 years, and yes, whilst I am lucky to live in a country with good healthcare, each time there's a small risk to your life.

When I was pregnant and complained about whatever symptom was ailing me that day he used to say 'well it's what you wanted' (ie to be pregnant). At least by the 3rd one he didn't say that any more, just said 'well it's the last time'.

OP, I think you need to prioritise spending time with people who are kind and think you are great. Are there any activities you enjoy? Bonus: DH will get to wrangle 3 DC.
I agree, and her DH stepping up, making sure he is doing his fair share (not helping), encouraging her and facilitating her to have some time for herself is a much more meaningful and ongoing sign of appreciation than token words of gratitude.

I find this so odd. No one made you have 3 children when you have a serious health problem. The fact that you chose to, agreed to.it and went ahead with it is down to you surely? Should you not accept responsibility for the decisions that you made? Why not have decided to only have 2 children?

I fail to see why your husband should have to make amends to you for the results of a decision, which ultimately, was solely yours. If you'd said no to any or anymore children he would have had to accept it. Did you not want to have children? If you did, then surely the effects that pregnancy and birth have on your body are part and parcel of that.

I just find this such a weird way of thinking about something that you wanted to do. Of course your DH should be a decent person and do his fair share, pull his weight, not insult you, put you down etc etc but show you gratitude for having children that you wanted - that's just odd to me.

I really wanted to have children. They are the light of my life. Should I be showing my DH gratitude for agreeing to have have DC with me?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras do you think it's completely acceptable that the OP's husband treats her with contempt and disgust because pregnancy has changed her body?

When they both chose, together, to have three children is that what you think she was agreeing to?

Is the woman's side of the deal pregnancy, childbirth and complete responsibility to get her body back to its prepregnancies shape and condition within months and whilst still breastfeeding, and the man's side to have sex and sneer at his wife if she's not as lithe and nubile after three pregnancies and births as before?

@ItWillBeBetterinAugust not to put words in pp's mouth but I doubt anybody thinks what you've described is acceptable in any circumstances, not just post pregnancy.

But a man treating his partner with contempt is a different issue to a woman expecting gratitude because something she wanted to do had problematic side effects.

I completely agree with @Hearhoovesthinkzebras

@Aberfalls - exactly. I even said in my post that the ops husband shouldn't insult her, should be a decent person and so on.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras and Aberfalls the issues are not separate though.

The changes to OP's body are due to pregnancy and childbirth.

The children were planned and wanted equally by the parents.

The female parent, due to biology, undergoes changes to her body if the couple mutually plan children.

The woman bears the entire biological brunt, which is significant - more so for some women than others through pure luck - but almost nobody comes out if three pregnancies in five years the same as they went in, especially if they are older when they start.

Both parents agreed ahead of time, both wanted the pregnancies and children.

The man owes it to his female partner to fully acknowledge (I said unthread gratitude is the wrong word but op said "or at least acknowledge" in her op and further down agreed that maybe gratitude wasn't the right word) that the changes to the body of the mother of his children are due to bearing their shared children.

Instead of fully acknowledging that the back problems, extra two stone and general change in her body are the consequences of their mutual decision to have three children in five years, and thus have their own kind of beauty and are a price paid for their three shared very small children, he has contempt and disgust for her changed body.

They are not separate issues. The contempt and disgust are absolutely integral to the fact he does not acknowledge that he as much as she chose this, and she subjected her body to this in order that together they would have their shared, mutually planned, mutually wanted three children.

It's because he fails to fully, openly acknowledge this that he views her changed body with contempt and disgust. It's one and the same issue.

I really wanted to have children. They are the light of my life. Should I be showing my DH gratitude for agreeing to have have DC with me?

But this isn't really what the OP is talking about is it? You both agreed and wanted the children, the agreement was a mutual thing. But the physical impact of that joint decision only affects the woman. And some women, not you obviously, feel that the sacrifices that pregnancy require should be recognised and appreciated by the other parent of those children.

As an aside, I am grateful to my husband for our children. If it wasn't for him they wouldn't exist. So yes, I am thankful for that. But I'm thankful for a hell of a lot, I didn't have a good life before and so I'm incredibly grateful for what I have - whether that's be to my husband, god, Mother Nature, whatever.

If I was a lesbian and may partner had carried our children, I would sure as hell be thankful and appreciative that she had done that.

but almost nobody comes out if three pregnancies in five years the same as they went in, especially if they are older when they start.

This is probably where I'm coming from. I had pregnancies in five years between 34 and 39 to build a family we both wanted. But the impact of those pregnancies has been entirely on me. My husband understands and appreciates that and gets that I had to make sacrifices and compromises that he didn't. That's all the OP wants.

*three pregnancies

Instead of fully acknowledging that the back problems, extra two stone and general change in her body are the consequences of their mutual decision to have three children in five years, and thus have their own kind of beauty and are a price paid for their three shared very small children, he has contempt and disgust for her changed body

Does he though? Apologies if I've missed op clarifying this,but I've seen her say that he hasn't actually said it but she knows that's how he feels, whilst also saying that she is unhappy about her weight and how her body looks. So is it the DH really thinking this or is it the op feeling it and projecting it?

The op also said that had she not been with her DH she still wanted children and would have used a sperm donor - who would she have blamed then? Who would she have expected gratitude from?

The long and short of it is that op chose to have 3 children in 5 years, chose to have 3 children despite a health condition seemingly exacerbated by pregnancy and chose to have more children despite knowing what previous pregnancies did to her. Now it seems that everyone is o blame and her husband has to make it up to her for choices that she made.

That's weird. Own your choices and accept responsibility for the choices that you made and the consequences. Really, why have another baby when the previous 2 left you with problems?

And some women, not you obviously, feel that the sacrifices that pregnancy require should be recognised and appreciated by the other parent of those children.

I don't expect it just for giving birth, no, because no one made me do it. It was my choice entirely and I say that as someone who had 2 life-threatening episodes of pre eclampsia. It was still my choice, both times.

I just find it so weird to expect appreciation for something that I wanted to do. If, as women, we choose to get pregnant then we accept all that comes with it. You don't have to have children, it is a choice.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras she hasn't said anywhere that she blames him - in fact she explicitly says she doesn't - nor has she said he has to make it up to her.

All she wants is acknowledgement that the changes in her body are the result of their mutual decision to have three children in five years.

She is not solely responsible for that at all - it was a mutual decision. Just as she could have said stop, no more, after one or two babies so could he if he thought the price of her changing body was too high!

Just as she could have said stop, no more, after one or two babies so could he if he thought the price of her changing body was too high!

Is it his responsibility to make decisions about her body though? She should have decided not to have a 3rd (or a 2nd) if the sacrifice to get body was too great.

Sorry, you have to accept personal responsibility. It's just nuts to have 3 pregnancies in 5 years with a medical condition that's made worse or gets worse over that time. That's foolhardy in the extreme but if you choose to do it then accept the consequences.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras is it your opinion that women are solely responsible for pregnancy and children and make family planning decisions in a vacuum?

It is interesting reading your posts hearhooves as I think you think the same way as my husband does, I can imagine him writing your words.

I don't blame my husband or anyone else in society for my problems, my weight gain, my health problems. I completely own my decision to have three children in close succession, I don't think 'you did this to me' when I look at him because his sperm fertilised an egg in my body.

Despite the problems, my children are more than worth those issues and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I wanted each one of them, even the third.

But. It is very apparent after 10 pages of this thread that most people's partners have some sort of level of appreciation or acknowledgement of the hardships of childbearing, either through openly saying thank you or through trying to boost their partner's self esteem when they're feeling overweight and unattractive or by offering to massage their aching back (or whatever... There's lots of examples to show that you acknowledge what someone's been through).

Even if I am projecting my feelings about my body on to my husband (I know I'm not by the way, I just don't want to disclose every last thing), clearly the absence of doing anything to boost my self confidence or make me feel cherished in any way is indicative of his lack of appreciation of how tough this has all been for me?

Nope it isn't. All things being equal though (ie no coercion or force) it is the choice of only women to get pregnant and to continue with that pregnancy.

If you make the choice to have a baby then that is your decision and you accept the physical consequences of that pregnancy on your body. If those consequences are too great then don't have a baby. That's a valid choice to make but don't choose to have a child and then hold the father responsible for whatever damage occurred to your body. Especially don't blame him when you repeat that choice several times in a short time frame. Of course your body will struggle because it's not having time to recover.

How does she want this gratitude expressed anyway? If I made my pregnancies transactional.in some way there's nothing that could compensate me for what I went through so would anything make her feel better?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras are you only reading parts of posts? She doesn't blame him or want compensation.

She wants acknowledgement. She's already said, very early on, that gratitude was the wrong word.

Noconceptofnormal

I do t know how you feel because I'm not you. I know though how I felt about my own body after pregnancy. I gained 1 stone a week at the end because of the fluid that I retained due to pre eclampsia. I literally looked like the Michelin man and even though my DH tried to make me feel better it didn't work because of how I felt about myself. If he had said "thank you" to me I would have lost the plot I think. To me, that would have felt trite or insincere or something. I don't know. To me you say thank you if someone makes you a cup.of tea or holds the door open or whatever.

It sounds like the problems in your marriage are greater than him not just saying thank you for having babies. Maybe that's where you need to.look.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust

I just can't comprehend it though, so I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding. It simply makes no sense to me because my choices of what I do with my body are down to me. Any consequences are my responsibility and I don't expect anyone else to make me feel better about them or appreciate me for doing what I chose to do.