So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

I think the toll pregnancy birth and breastfeeding can take on some women is hugely downplayed by society. It interests me how difficult people are finding the word gratitude actually. It doesnt feel right does it? - i balked at it. But i am expected to be grateful for having a baby despite permanent injury. Lots of 'he was worth it though'. He is worth it but it would have been even better if i had bounced back. I am meant to be grateful for so many things like a good midwife, a medical intervention thst worked, a husband that settled him to sleep etc - but not my own role. Its almost a biblical 'cursed with bearing young' hang up.

It should be acknowledged that pregancy and birth changes a woman's body.

By month 4 of my first pregnancy, I'd dwindled down to 8st 7 because I could barely eat for 3 months. By the end, I was 13st because before the nausea had finally fucked off, the SPD crept in... with a side dose of carpal tunnel syndrome, and while bored and lonely and in constant pain stuck in the house for the last couple of months, eating was one of my few remaining pleasures I was physically capable of doing with useless painful legs and useless numb hands. 2st of that was birthed (big baby, loads of waters) 2st was me -not such an unusual gain.

The repeat 2 years later wasn't quite so bad. At least I knew what SPD was and could therefore manage it better (no, GP it was not "pregnancy aches and pains" when I went to you because at 34 weeks shuffling around the supermarket in agony was too much to bear again).

About 6 months in, I felt sufficiently human to work at my body a bit more. I did a fitness class Sat am when DH was inevitably in anyway. I did C25k at about 10pm when the last cluster feed finished. I told DH that's what I was doing at a time that there was no resonable opposition. The exercise was a mental space for me and physically helped me to recover. Second time, I went to an osteopath to help get my pelvis functioning again after the SPD was aggravated further by a 3rd degree tear.

I am permanently changed. I might fit in my old clothes, but my abdomen is stretched, saggy and scarred. On a deeper level, the SPD has left a permanent weakness in my pelvis which makes me more prone to injury. It's taken my own work and support from DH to "bounce" to where I am now. 2 DCs was my limit. We came close to TTC a third, but I couldn't face another year of nausea/ SPD/ birth injury again.

The world doesn't represent women like me. Media is diversifying, but it's going for busty, hour glass, smooth size 16s, not the saggy, crinkled small size 8s with bellies that can flap around (or any other size of that shape for that matter, it's just that people assume that small clothes sizes are immune from such body features)

Making things feel better will probably take more work from you (the rewards will be worth the investment) but it also needs support from him to facilitate that.

I think what you're wrestling with is an unreconstructed 1950s attitude in your husband that he's the head if the family and everything should revolve around him.

He wants nice kids so he has them. He wants a SAHM wife so he gets one. He wants a slim wife so he... nags? He's not seeing you as a fully fledged person. What if you want a nicer husband?!

Makes me glad I was portly before having children tbh!

BillieEilish are you really struggling to grasp that some women put on a lot of weight in pregnancy precisely because of these medical issues. It’s not that they’re choosing to - it’s that the sickness is so bad they’re desperate to stop it anyway they can, and they just can’t move in the way they could before.

Whoop de do for you that you didn’t put on weight, but you were lucky, that’s all.

What do you want him to do to show his acknowledgement OP? You didn't bear his children, you bore the children that you both wanted and it could only have been you.

He could now though help you to get into the physical condition (health conditions permitting) that you want to achieve. What do you want him to assist with? That's what I'd focus on. What help I needed to make myself feel better. You genuinely deserve that and should get it.

'Push present' recipients end up divorced just like anybody else, they don't mean anything in isolation, it's the demonstrated caring that counts.

I agree with PP that perhaps marriage guidance could help with communicating how you feel.

I think as PP said upthread that Society has programmed women into becoming almost a machine ,which gets pregnant,keeps working till the last minute .And then has babe and is expected to get "back to normal" in a few months ,and then return to work as usual (Obviously with no outer signs of anything awry!) Many celebrities lead the way with getting back into shape in a couple of weeks or some such rubbish.The point is most men ,even the kindest dont feel "gratitude"as such .They take it as read the DW will go through a physically demanding procedure which takes it toll on the body ! Who exactly is a size 6 anyway?Over half of UK women are size 16 or above .Maybe he is a selfish ass ,or perhaps he is adjusting to seeing you in a new light.Either way maybe just explain to him how you feel ,and see what he says .He may not realise what hes doing or hopefully will see the light and be a bit kinder .

I think people are misunderstanding the use of 'gratitude' in this scenario. Of course, having a baby is not a transactional thing - I didn't gave our children for my partner and therefore deserve gratitude. But there are lots of things like that in relationships - my husband fixed my car yesterday, I'm grateful for that, even though he uses the car too. He's grateful when I cook dinner, even though I eat it too. It's just appreciation really but the words 'thank you' are certainly appropriate and yes I do think that should apply to the sacrifice it takes to carry a child.

If he thanks me for making a spaghetti bolognese which I wanted too (and he does thank me for thar), then he should definitely thank me for carrying our children.

I don't think this is a sacrifice I made for us as a couple, I think it's a sacrifice I made for my DC.

This is an interesting point. The biological point of having kids is to propagate the human race and a family unit is considered the optimal model for doing this. But we've evolved to think that creating a family unit to satisfy the couple's wants is itself the goal hence OP feels she should be shown gratitude. That unit will only last for 20 odd years and then new family units will be created.

No, I wouldn’t expect gratitude. We both wanted children not just him and so I wasn’t sacrificing anything for him.

I know several women who had three under five in order to get it all over with and then return to careers, and they 'bounced back'. One of them had three C-sections.

How did they do it?
Exercise, requiring nannies, requiring money, and lots of it. Heaps of it.

One had a personal post natal trainer.
One had a meal service delivering meals for all her pregnancies and a year afterwards.

That's not always the case. I've got three under five, the youngest is 12 weeks, but I've only got a stone left to lose (but I was very thin in the first place) and am back out running and training for a race in April. To all intents and purposes I have 'bounced back'.

I gave no nanny, no family at all so no help there, no money for personal trainers etc. I am just very very disciplined.

I did want to get the childbearing over with though, and she wasn't on my side (I'm nearly 40) so I had my three close together for those reasons.

Yes I would say, not ‘gratitude’ exactly, but appreciation. As expressed by eg not expressing ‘contempt’ and ‘mild disgust’ at the fact pregnancy & birth had physical consequences.

I think it’s a problem that these consequences for women aren’t more acknowledged in general. And when they are acknowledged, recovery is still phrased in terms of getting our sexy bodies back for hubby, not about building up health.

I think men realising they can’t really understand but want to try to anyway helps. Yours sadly doesn’t want to OP and I’m not sure how his mindset would or could change.

I got through pregnancy, EMCS and still breastfeeding relatively unscathed but DH was and is endlessly supportive and acknowledges the toll 5 miscarriages, a taxing drugs regime to keep this one and this successful pregnancy (and spectacularly eventful birth) took on me. We’re sticking with one and he’s said as soon as we both want he’ll have a vasectomy as he thinks I’ve done my bit being poked, prodded and medicated. I take his support and empathy for granted now I read a lot of these posts. We’ve each just done our bit based on what biology dictated given we both wanted a baby. Me being pregnant etc, him being supportive, making me huge amounts of food and saying thanks and well done.

even the best of them will never get it because they dont do it we do. Its hard to fully comprehend someone else's situation at the best of times especially when you will never experience it.

And as we all know, they are members of a different species with limited brain functionality. Scientists are expected to announce any day now that they do in fact come from another planet.

I have officially seen it all.

*time wasn't on my side

mistermagpie do you take the children out running with you?

Thanks for all your comments, even the ones that imply that I've been the architect in my own misery :-)

But seriously, some of you have been so kind, it's brought tears to my eyes, thank you.

I do agree with pp that my self esteem is low at the moment, I'm not actually a hugely appearance driven person (I don't get manicures or regular haircuts, not that bothered about clothes, shoes, handbags etc) but l was lucky to have a good figure pre pregnancy. Obviously I don't expect to look the same as I did before, as I am 5 years older and had kids, but it is hard when rather than aging 5 years, you feel like it's more like 15!

So yes my self esteem is low, so it would really help if my husband gave me some compliments, was more affectionate and so on. Not going into details but I'm well aware that he doesn't find me physically attractive at the moment (and objectively I'm not) so that side of it is not me projecting.

mathan no I don't, the oldest is four so it would take ages! Luckily they behave a dad and he looks after them when I'm running.

mathan no I don't, the oldest is four so it would take ages! Luckily they have a dad and he looks after them when I'm running.

It wasn’t a criticism @LoveIsLovely, just an example of how people are different. I can’t be doing with being “adored” and being told countless times how amazing I am would have driven me batty. My husband walked miles with a screaming newborn strapped to his front so I didn’t go insane from the crying. That was much more use to me than platitudes. Plus, I think it’s incredibly insensitive to come on a thread like this and tell the OP, who is having a shit life, how brilliant your husband is.

I don't think it would be possible to squeeze an ill word about my body out of my husband (except when I fart on him).

In fact, I've lost six of the eight stone I gained during the first 12 years of our relationship, and he more often tells me he loves me whatever the size than that he loves my skinnier body.

I would expect a bit of gratitude from him for child bearing though, but not in some primadonna, arsey way.

I'm the only one of us who can drive at the mo, so if we want to drive somewhere, I do it every time, and he thanks me every time, appreciates that I'm more tired than him at our destination, and tries to pull his weight in some other way.

@mathanxiety I am the furthest thing from a “poor menz” apologist it’s possible to be, but in this case simple biology dictates they can’t get it. Please don’t try to give men something else that is a purely female experience so that they can co-opt it for their own ends and start fucking whining about how badly it affects them too.

Big hugs again. Today might be a bad day. You did not age 15 years. You are tired. You look tired. Get yourself a free make up session and a fresh eye brow line for a fiver. Take pictures. I am 100% certain you are pretty. You are grieving the loss of a certain you. Well you were cute when you were 5, too. Perhaps you did not realise how cute you were before you had babies, and now you don't acknowledge that you are cute too. Right now. Raw.
If you don't nobody can.
This man married you, had children with you, not just the one. Three. He's not going anywhere. Talk to each other. I saw very good advice on here. Truth is, it's you he's craving after. The you that fell good in your slim body. Not per se the body. You already have a plan, so you are halfway through.
Sometimes going back to work helps because you realise "you still got this", and there is continuity.

Some posts on this thread are very depressing. My DH didn't have a full understanding of the impact of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding on a woman's body until I went through it. Neither did I tbh. But he was there for me and supportive because he's not an asshole. "Women's lives are awful!" practically became his catchphrase.

I don't know if he's ever said thank you as such (actually, I think he probably said it a lot during the breastfeeding days) but he certainly showed he was grateful and appreciative through his support and general attitude. Now DC1 is nearly two and we're both full-time at work, everything is 50/50 (actually, he probably does more than me) but there's no denying that through pregnancy, breastfeeding and maternity leave our contributions to our family were in no way equal.

Gratitude, not as such (but he does actually give it) acknowledgement
for what I went through and appreciationn for me as a human, yes.

I was a slim, active (model/dancer) became pregnant, didn't get nausea, wasn't ill, barely noticed, until about 25 weeks when I developed carpal tunnel, sciatica and SPD. I retained huge amounts of water and swelled up. Put on about 3 stone. I had a big baby (with a huge placenta). Pregnancy did a number on my joints and teeth, and breastfeeding fucked me. My DH had PTSD from the birth, it was brutal.

He has always said how grateful he is to me for our son. How grateful he is for our family. And I am too. Not in a grovelling way, in an 'i am aware we are fortunate to have what we have at this moment' way. He tells me he loves me more now (older, fatter, less agile) and finds me more attractive.