So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

Absolutely you shouldn't be criticised. But 20kg's is a lot. (am aware was not OP)

@Noconceptofnormal. I had back problems before having dc and was very nervous about pregnancy and birth and my first labour was all in my back and particularly painful, hence the large gap before having the second.
I think give yourself at least 6 more months before you worry about your weight etc. Your back will improve as your youngest gets older. Both mine had to learn to climb into their car seats from a young age.
Perhaps if your dh had a week alone with all three dc he probably wouldn’t look quite so attractive even without going through pregnancy and birth.
Don’t forget to let your dh know that you think you’re amazing and priceless in those children’s eyes. Sometimes you have to big yourself up for other people, even husbands, to truly appreciate you.

Don't beat yourself up.
Congratulations for your kids, all of them. Thumbs up for your body. Right now you might think " I'll never be the same".
That's only partly true. You can get back to your weight, be gentle to yourself, take your full year for recovery, even three if you did not do it previously. You can get back to your strength, this mean that you will be shapely again. It will be a new balance, going back to healthy as much as possible does not mean going back to pre-birth status.
I think of it as being part of a skilled army force with a few marks here and there to show for your previous wars. Not everybody did THAT war. I don't expect "them" to be understanding or anything. The push gift could be a one hour/ one half per day for your diy beauty fixes. Raving about your accomplishments and self love will get you were you want.
Shift the focus on yourself as much as you can (three kids !!!), not your hubby. Imagine yourself with teenagers, in a few years time. What do you want to look like in the pictures? Then at the weddings. Then with your grandchildren.
What kind of mature woman do you want to be and you KNOW your hubby will be absolutely crazy about ? You know...
If you were size 6 putting on 2 stones was not exactly out of order for your pregnancies, this means with a little tweak but a lot of time you can get back somewhere near there.
There is a time for everything. Just right now I would like to send you a big hug all over and squeeze those exact two stones of love. Thumbs up for breastfeeding too.
Make up, new hairdo, not even a new haircut, a new dress/ an outfit that you haven't worn in a long long time helps too.
Also selfies : You - with kids pouting - with hubbie. Sometimes you don't realise that "ok you're not the same but you're not exactly -fill in blank -". You'll never be younger than today ! Celebrate, dance, you are alive ! - And pretty, I bet.

You need to talk to your husband. You won't get any answers here, just sympathy.

Your dh sounds a bit dim and insensitive.
Come up with a plan of what he can do for you.
Gym membership
3 hours on a Saturday to go to the gym/swimming every week.
6 month subscription to one of those meals-to-your-door Jane Plan type things.

Book a haircut.
Look around for some pampering deals. Buy a massage get a free manicure.
You get the idea.
Some men just don't get feelings and empathy. Most men understand things they can buy or build or do.

Look after your health and stop doing it all.

You keep using the phrase 'bounce back', and I don't think that's really realistic. Most women don't bounce back, unless they were young and fit before the pregnancy. It takes many people a lot of time and work to regain their fitness and health after pregnancy and childbirth.
I'm not sure about gratitude, but I think your husband should understand that recovery is a gradual process. You should be focussing on your health, eating well, resting, and gradually increasing your exercise, rather than worrying about how you look. He should be supporting you in this.
Also, it's a little bit concerning that you seem to be resigned to having back problems for the rest of your life. Please look for some advice on this as soon as you feel able to.

Mild disgust at not being a size 6!!!! That is terrible, no wonder your self esteem is on the floor. Months after giving birth this should not be anyone priority. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone so shallow? What about when you age? If you gained a disability?

Also it’s bullshit that if you’ve put on some weight you don’t look attractive. It’s worrying that your sense of worth is related so closely to weight.

Wow people are mean on here.

I completely understand OP. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel appreciated and for wanting your husband to understand the impact pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding can have on your physical and mental well being.
Me and Dh thank each other all the time for things that are just part of family life but it's nice to be nice 🤷

Like another poster my DH said thank you when I gave birth. After a terrible pregnancy and traumatic birth he was grateful for what I went through to give us a child.

Yes @BillieEilish indeed

I went from running a half marathon at 4 weeks pregnant to constant nausea for the remaining 8 months and it being able to walk to the letterbox because of crippling SPD. It was a wonderful time in my life

Gratitude, no. We made a joint decision.
Support, yes.

In truth some of what you’re saying sounds like problems you’ve imposed on yourself rather than a need for gratitude. His saying thank you won’t help you like yourself better.
You did rather rush through the baby making and not allow much time for healing between. I’m surprised that if you breast fed exclusively for six months, for each child, you even managed to fit three in within that timeframe, particularly after sections.

Gennz that's awful. That is not a normal amount of weight to gain ,you clearly suffered with other medical conditions, especially if sick too

As I said I had hyperemesis and SPD - hence the weight gain - but otherwise very healthy pregnancies! Just grim.

I wouldn't expect "gratitude" however for him to look upon you with "contempt" and "mild disgust" is absolutely outrageous! Also comparing you to other friends wives?!. I'm absolutely fuming, no wonder its been difficult for you to "bounce back" he's an emotionally abusive arsehole. So sorry you haven't been given the support you deserve OP. X

Always expected gratitude from DH and always received it.

Reading your posts op it sounds like you have issues with your post pregnancy body and weight and are comparing yourself to the old you and to other women. Are you sure that you aren't projecting your issues onto your husband? How do you know what he thinks if he hasn't said any of this to you? He may very well not be thinking any such thing but you seem to be assuming that he is.

Contempt and mild disgust? He sounds like a charming piece of work. Why did you have a 3rd baby with him?

I wonder how much of this is being driven by your own lack of self esteem and not his lack of “gratitude”.

Well...

#bekind didn't last very long for some of the people on this thread, did it?!

OP YANBU to expect your DH to acknowledge the physical traumas your body has been through, and understand that you are a human being, not an ornament.

Gratitude? Hmm not sure about that one, but acknowledgement - definitely - and a bit of fucking kindness would be good. Is your DH always such an arse?

As for all the things that you'll never get back - I wouldn't assume anything at this point as you're still recovering from your last birth. I was a bit of a physical wreck after having DC2. My core was very weak, which gave me constant back pain and I just felt old and achey and in poor physical shape. However, you absolutely can get that strength back and I 100% recommend that you try and find a beginners Pilates class. I joined one when DC2 was a few months old - it was me and a lot of ladies in their 80s who had had heart surgery and other serious health problems - but it was what I needed to get my core strength back and once you have that then you get back to other kinds of exercise.

As for your serious health problem - I totally understand you wanting to BF (I BF both my DC), but you might want to consider weaning off the breast at six months so you can start treatment as being unwell and untreated must be horrible for you. It will also allow you to lose some of the weight you want to.

Hearhooves I agree, I think it may be your perception OP I used to get the rage sometimes, but it's not warranted, in all honesty.

You were not going to be a flibbertigibbet in middle age, married with three DC's. If you were, you would look very odd.

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children

This is incredibly sad.

It's also incredibly corrosive.

Lack of compassion, lack of simple kindness, and a sense of entitlement that causes a husband to overlook what a wife has contributed and the it has had on her body and her spirit, and to focus instead on what he thinks she owes him (a svelte body) is something that will destroy the relationship if allowed to continue. It's shallow and it's immensely selfish.

The men who don't do feelings or empathy are also known as narcissists, boors, and knobs. It's not a given that this trait goes along with being male. Indulging in feelings of entitlement is a really bad habit on their parts that society reinforces.

@Noconceptofnormal, I think you should tell him this:
I'm not blaming him at all, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, they're obviously worth the sacrifices. But my point is that he got the children too, who he adores, without having to do all those things - I know as a man he can't but at the very least acknowledge that without my sacrifices he would have 3 healthy children.

Tell him also that you are asking him to show you in words and gestures that he respects and appreciates what your body has done in the last five years because you are not feeling it right now, and the lack of it and wondering where exactly you stand in his estimation is causing you a lot of pain.

Pregnancy is like an endurance sport after all, and recovery from major abdominal surgery is no walk in the park either.

i never expected gratitude or even understanding from my husband. Why? it is what it is, even the best of them will never get it because they dont do it we do. Its hard to fully comprehend someone else's situation at the best of times especially when you will never experience it.

I knew what I was letting myself in for, I knew I would find the hormonal side very hard and did my best, so did he mind but I knew he would never really get it no matter how much he tried so I got extra support from fellow mums to be who actually had some chance of getting it.

Dont really know what to suggest but if you want real understanding you need it from people who have experienced it, as for gratitude I hope your reasons for getting pregnant go beyond doing it for him and you getting a big pat on the back during and after because pregnancy is unique to women so if you want to get pregnant you have to accept all its warts.

You keep using the phrase 'bounce back', and I don't think that's really realistic. Most women don't bounce back, unless they were young and fit before the pregnancy. It takes many people a lot of time and work to regain their fitness and health after pregnancy and childbirth
I agree.
It's hard hearing people say I'm lucky to have "bounced back" because I haven't. I'm a stone and a half heavier than pre-pregnancy, have some issues from pregnancy, have stretch marks and had to recover from a c section.
During and after pregnancy, I was as active as appropriate for the various issues and situations, aimed to eat healthy food and try to avoid the temptation to snack on unhealthy empty calories whilst sat on the sofa resting/ breastfeeding. I'm not pushing to get back to my pre-pregnancy size
I've not piled the weight on, but I've not expected the luck fairy to visit me either so it's frustrating to hear people view it as luck. Most people have put in a lot of time and effort or they've got the funds to have tummy tucks.