So you expect gratitude for the sacrifices involved in pregnancy?

[Noconceptofnormal]

Do you expect your dh/partner to feel gratitude or at least acknowledge what you've put your body through to produce your children?

Context - have 3dc under 5, youngest a baby only a few months old, so my body has been through the mill. I had difficult pregncies, with severe sickness, have had 3 C sections. Also breast fed all dc for a year, currently breastfeeding last baby, currently have mastitis which is v painful, have also had reoccurring thrush on nipples, again v painful.

On top of this -

• I'm 2 stone overweight and my self esteem is rock bottom (I'm not really overweight, just not in great shape at all, old clothes don't fit etc). I guess this is technically my fault for not being more healthy in this pregnancy, but the sickness was so bad I just ate whatever to get through it, and I really struggle to lose weight whilst breastfeeding. Even with losing weight, my body will never be the same again though.

• I have back problems brought on my the pregnancies, which I guess I'll always have now

• I have quite a severe health problem that basically I haven't been able to treat whilst pregnant / breastfeeding / ttc, as meds are not compatible with these.

All children were much wanted and loved by both of us, so it's not like I pushed him into having children.

AIBU to expect a little bit of gratitude or even acknowledgment about what I've put my body through to give us both these dc? Yes I wanted to be a parent, but he's got to be that without all the personal sacrifice!

Instead of feeling loved and cherished for bearing his children, I just get a sense of contempt that I'm not as physically able as I used to be and mild disgust at not being a size 6 any more. I'm not expecting gushing gratitude, just some sort of acknowledgement that I wouldn't be physically in this situation if I hadn't had our children.

Nope. I chose to carry out twins and any problems I've had post-partum, including back and joint problems, as well as weight gain, I've addressed. I don't expect men to understand, as they simply can't.

This is a genuine question as I have two dc with a large gap in between, so no real experience.

When you had the first 2 dc did you have any issues health wise because I’m wondering why you would put yourself through having a third child if you did? Especially so quickly.
Sorry I know it’s a bit off thread but it’s something I’ve always wanted to ask when parents are exhausted with 3 dc’s under 5.

No, not in the least.
I always feel sorry for men that they are not in control of this aspect of their DC's.

I had my DC because we wanted them. I wasn't going to go on and on about being pregnant. Bor do I want a present. I felt privileged.

gingersausage I suppose I do think that the pregnancy /childbirth /breastfeeding aspect is important.

If I was as overweight as I am now because I'd just eaten too much cake then I would understand the frustration more (though I'm not saying this scenario warrants meanness). But I'm overweight because of how difficult I found the pregnancies, and our babies were very healthy weights as well (I'm not saying this can't be achieved without maternal weight gain but I have a science background and know that long term outcomes tend to be better in healthy weight babies compared to those at the lower end).

And yes I would expect empathy if I'd damaged my back in an accident, but I feel like if anything there should be more empathy that I've damaged my back creating our family!

I guess the issue is pre children I had a very good figure and I think was considered quite attractive. Whilst I'm determined to eventually lose the weight and I will, I don't look attractive at the moment, so don't really bear any resemblence to the person he married.

To me this attitude is painful outdated IMO. If you want children then part and parcel is changes to your body, it happens to every woman who bear children, but we do it anyway because it's a tiny sacrifice to make. To me the idea of a man having gratitude for this, is like suggesting a woman has a baby to 'serve' the man.
Never once during pregnancy/breastfeeding did I feel as though I was doing any of it for my partner, or even us as a couple. I was doing it all for my child. When I look at my stomach covered in stretch marks, I don't think this is a sacrifice I made for us as a couple, I think it's a sacrifice I made for my DC.

You need to write a stiff letter to him explaining exactly what you have been through and whatnots.

As a word of warning: Don't have any more C section as next time could be very troublesome. We had a teacher, strapping 6 foot tall woman who passed away because of that.

Whilst I understand that the children are loved, I really think you should have let your body fully recover. I feel so sorry that your health is now compromised. Having 3 children under 5 itself is back breaking business and that's forgetting the pregnancy and child birth bits.

You really need to get him some laterally thinking. Men are mostly like millennial - I'm not joking. You have to be graphic to make him understand.

My DD is fine thanks, I did not put on weight, just the weight she was, plus placenta. She is slim and fit. Why would I put on more?

I think you are worried about your weight? This is a strange post. I don't understand why you would be so upset but have 3 DC's in 5 years if you have a problem with weight in pregnancy.

Not everyone does. Not by any means. If anything I ate the healthiest in pregnancy and breast feeding.

Presumably you had children because you wanted them?

I’m about to have three under two so I totally understand where you’re coming from, but honestly I don’t think they even consider it! Half the time they can’t see things physically happening and it’s often an ‘out of sight out of mind’ situation. However my husband have never made me feel like you feel, especially over any weight gain! I really think you need to sit down with him and talk about how you’re feeling!

Frenchwife that decision was really dictated by my age, as we started our family quite late, we had to crack on with it. It would have been nicer to spread it out but time was not on our side.

Also my intention is to go back to work after this baby so I didn't want to get going with my career only to have another pregnancy to set me back again.

I've definitely had more health issues with this last one and put on more weight. But as I say, I'd do it all again, and love being a parent to three even with the health problems, it's worth it,even without any appreciation!

I think you both have an unhealthy attitude to your body. It’s done something really amazing three times in five years!!! That’s more often than it can quite handle. You hopefully will get full function back and stop feeling pain but that should be your priority not a size 6 figure!
You can’t know if his friends wives “bounced back”, it’s a very intimate thing and they could easily have issues with periods, bladder control, sex, vulval or vaginal scars.... obviously they wouldn’t be sharing this with your husband!
I’d suggest you ignore your husbands attitudes and you take yourself to a woman-supporting feminist post-birth physio for your own sake and internal health (not what you look like to others).

Oh, if you're older it will be peri menopause. That weight gain will happen whatever, you are getting old and that's it (I say that as a parent who had a child at 37 BTW)

3 in 5 years is a lot IMO. Your body won't spring back from that unless you are 20 or early 30's.

Not gratitude, no. That seems a tad egotistical and yes, it was my decision to have kids- it had to be because he couldn't carry them could he so really, it was down to me to decide.

However, I certainly wouldnt have him criticising me- thats bloody disgusting and I would be telling him in no uncertain terms to cut it out and have some damn empathy for the mother of his children and someone he is supposed to love.

He does sound horrible. Pregnancy and childbirth and being a new parent really takes its toll. I feel pretty gross after 2 kids with a big stretchmarky belly, a c-section "apron" and massive veiny leaky boobs currently but my DH is so lovely. Won't hear a word against my body - calls me beautiful, sexy etc. (I am definitely not so I appreciate the effort) and was very kind and considerate after I'd given birth both times. I'd be very upset if he had the attitude you describe. I agree with pp that maybe marriage counselling would help. Also, as an aside, be kind to yourself OP! You have done amazingly and it's ok not to be a size 6: your size does not dictate your worth!

So you waited to have children at his instigation, then had children he wanted close together due to the delay, have stayed at home at his instigation and he talks down to you?

Sounds like a common or garden arse to me.

He wants someone at home with the kids - tell him to stay home and take on all that child and home responsiblity whilst you go back to work. See how great he looks after a few months of that, even without the child bearing

I think a lot of men are very ignorant re childbirth, doesn’t help that the media portray celebs bouncing back to size 6 weeks after a birth. We need to talk about pregnancy more and the impact on some women’s bodies afterwards. The damage done to some women and the medical profession underplaying it is horrendous. Constant urine leaking etc is not normal.

An ex partner of mine told me I had a fat stomach. I replied with that I had had two children what was his excuse. I know he was “joking” but it was a passive dog but perhaps men need to look at themselves!

Gratitude? No. But understanding and acceptance that your body will be very different after 3 children in quick succession? Yes!

But women give birth, get pregnant, breast feed, carry children, give birth. Men don't.

Why expect gratitude?

This is biology.

Sorry don't have time to read the full thread. Hugs. Please don't feel you have to justify this with 'why' you've changed. My husband was the same. Mine was more my mental state (pnd) and being tied to breastfed babies which lead to me gaining so much weight. My youngest is 2, I'm still not happy with my body but I have three children, a stressful job and other stuff going on so he just has to forgive me if I need a bit of comfort food and a drink in the evenings! X

@Noconceptofnormal

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and have often raised the gratitude thing with DH who claim he IS grateful. Biology is not fair. I absolutely love my kids but they wreaked havoc on my body/career/identity while DH’s career went from strength to strength & he always found time for a run 2-3 times a week... so I think a bit of bloody gratitude is the least you should be able to expect.

I had horrible pregnancies, terrible sickness throughout, piled on 20+kgs both times - also had SPD, it was just shit. It sounds like your DC3 is still quite young? I am only now starting to properly lose the weight and DD is 20 months. I got fatter and fatter. Some miracle diet! It took me 2.5 years with DS as well. It sounds like you’re in the trenches now - things will get better. I was always a feminist before I had kids but I never realised the utterly shitty hand we’d been dealt by biology until 6 weeks into my first pregnancy.

(Also can I suggest seeing a good women’s health Physio. You would be amazed at the issues they can help resolve.)

I think people are responding to the word gratitude (of course) when actually it would just be nice not to be looked at with something like contempt, or maybe just indifference?

An ex-colleague of mine once said, 'of course, i was never as attracted to my wife's body after she had our children.' well, you can't help it, i suppose, but i was just left thibking: what an arse.

20 kgs

People think I 'bounce back' between pregnancies because I've lost the weight quickly and gone back to full fitness (I'm quite sporty). But in reality I work very hard at it and it takes discipline. That's the case for most people who 'bounce back' - either they didn't gain much in pregnancy in the first place, like a pp, or they did and they work hard to shift it. But neither of these is possible for everyone and I don't think any woman should beat themselves up for it.

And their partners certainly shouldn't criticise!!

Hmm, the problem is that many many women have the same attitude as the OP’s husband