How much should your partner earn....

[nonwonderwoman]

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

@MeganBacon Please do not expect parity in the marriage to survive long term disparity in earning potential. Where one partner is comfortable doing a 215K p.a. job and the other is happy to do childcare, there is a fundamental mismatch in outlook which a team approach is unlikely to bridge long term.

WHAT UTTER GARBAGE

What about if her husband earned 215k and she, despite working for years and years to build up her career, just happened to be in a career that only earned her a max of 30k and her childcare costs almost matched that - so rather than working 5 days a week and taking home £50 a month, she gave up her old job to look after her children (which FYI is also a job) - you'd look at them and judge them saying "well obviously their outlook on life is different". You're downplaying being a full time mother as somehow LESSER than going to an office and working there.

I'm bloody glad I'm not married to you.

I earn £40k on 4 days per week, DH is double that on full time. I do all emotional work for DC, house etc. He shops, cooks sometimes, DIY and cars. Suits us both.

I'm not judging anyone, I never would. I've just observed what has happened over four decades to friends, time and time again, and I'm advising people to guard against it. People's work changes them over the course of their lives and where the work yields such hugely different outcomes, the people grow apart. You're straining to imagine an example there which may well be different, but I'm talking about general trends and safeguarding your future life as much as you sensibly can.

To those who have implied or said that your husband is paid too much - do you think they resent the 41% of his salary (£101,462.36) in tax and NI that he pays?

The thing I think you should always consider before becoming financially reliant on a partner is what happens should you separate?

Without keeping my foot in the door re my career (and my ex tried his hardest to make me give up work) it would have been a financial disaster for my boys and I when we separated.

I wonder how many people deluded themselves that what they do is actually worth these ridiculous salaries? Madness. If the person who runs the country doesn’t earn that much , and that kind of being the most important job in the country, you do have to wonder about all these “management consultant” types which just sounds like a made up job and not very much actual work at all.

I think everyone should work , either paid or volunteering.

@PointlessAddict he’s worth that much because some client is willing to pay his company multiples of that for his time. Not everyone has the brain for mc work and at junior levels it’s loooong hours for not much pay. It’s a free world, anyone is welcome to take a stab at it if they want, obviously supply and demand sets the price!

Never rely on anyone financially. Especially if your dh earns loads. Keep earning. My ex earned a lot and he was always nagging me to give up work. It was another way to keep control over me. Thank christ I carried on working.
Too many people are trapped in dead marriages because they would struggle on their own.
Too many people have relied on inheritance instead of paying attention to their pensions. I presume I won't inherit as my mother wants her favourite to get it all. I've provided for myself whilst favourite sibling who is almost 60, always bragged about getting it all and has made no financial provision whatsoever is watching them spend their dwindling money on care.
Too many people have dipped into the bank of mum and dad knowing that they have to pay it back in other ways.
Financial independence has always been top priority for me. It has given me choices in bad times.

My husband earns >£100k we have two young kids and he is away 6 months of the year but I still work. I am a engineer in Oil&Gas but I don't do that as it's not possible and I'd never see my kids and we don't want them in lots of childcare as they already miss their father and we don't need the money tbh

But I currently do 10 hours a week for £8500 per year but this has been a struggle due to kids school holidays and no childcare

So I'm away to stop that and work in a school 8.5 hours a week for £4000 a year term time

The money is nothing in our household but I feel it sets a good example to my children , and makes me feel like I contribute to our household finically too

Had I not given up my career my husband would be able to do what he does , he doesn't care if I work or not it's totally my choice but I wouldn't feel comfortable being totally reliant on another person financially. I think even though you don't need to money it's good to have employment of some kind , even if it's helping in a charity shop or something for no money

but I wouldn't feel comfortable being totally reliant on another person financially.

So...

i work in a school 8.5 hours a week for £4000 a year term time

You are deluded.

Whatever your reason for working, and I suspect it is boredom, own that reason. Don’t get high and mighty saying it is because you don’t want to rely on somebody else. You sound ridiculous.

Wow pattiprice you are not a very nice soul are you

How exactly am I delusional because I choose to work part time for my own moral reasons. My work ethic isn't decided by the money I earn, I used to earn 60k and I now earn 4K , but I still earn and that's what's important to me

You need to give yourself a shake and try to not be so spiteful

Absolutely not spiteful Salene, I am calling out your smugness. There are many SAHMs on this thread that your post was written to belittle. If you want to believe that you earning 4K per annum is somehow showing your children a better example of a work ethic l, do not expect others to believe it too.!

So how do you show your children a good work ethic if you don't work.? I'm confused.?

I'm talking about school age children here not under 5's which of course it can be difficult to work

I also said even if you volunteer etc a little bit it's setting a good example

I personally don't think staying at home all day while children attend school and not either working or doing something for the community is setting a good example, it's nothing about being smug that's my views.

You couldn’t fault my mother’s work ethic - it was more important to her than spending fun loving times with her dc’s. There’s a balance to be had - I grew up just wishing for more time with my mother - time I never got! When she wasn’t working outside the home she was working inside the home!

Never rely on anyone financially. Especially if your dh earns loads. Keep earning. My ex earned a lot and he was always nagging me to give up work. It was another way to keep control over me. Thank christ I carried on working.
This, a million times.

@PattiPrice

You're telling someone else they sound ridiculous when you yourself are using terms like 'own that reason' and 'I am calling you out'.

Absolutely unbelievable.

You need to stop watching American teen soaps.

You need to stop watching American teen soaps

This is funny - the only programme I watch on tv is EE 😀

@FreshRisks what about your dad?

I am always slightly bemused that pp's view childcare, cleaning, gardening, ironing, caring, as valuable paid work. At the same time they decry SAHM's who choose to do this work for nothing.

In my experience, both parents and children benefit from both parents having successful and fulfilling careers.

But, equally, having two people doing the hours needed to earn +200k isn't compatible with kids.

I'd try to find an interesting PT role. I know in law that's easier said than done...

"When I stopped work my salary and bonuses were about £100k and DH was scraping about £50k with prospects. "

Scraping...jeezo 🙄

@doolally1 After I wrote my post, I was sure someone would mention my dad and ask about his input! He took us swimming every Sunday - got into the pool too, bought us ice creams at the local parlour afterwards. Carried us to bed every night in all sorts of amusing ways, re-enacted bed-time stories with us, took us to the local seaside resorts, came home from work early to pick us up from school and feed us when it was raining - my mum would come home from work early and clear our a cupboard. He also made us cooked breakfast to order every morning, helped and often made dinner and always made supper. Every fun outing we went on, my Mum stayed at home because she had work to do and work was always more important than fun. Both parents worked full time, we had a full time housekeeper for 25 years...my Mum placed work-ethic and being busy above all! Even now the only thing my mother really values in her kids and her grandkids is work status and exam success - exam success is really the only thing she knows or seems to want to know about my kids.

exam success is really the only thing she knows or seems to want to know about my kids.

I know it is off topic but my children have grandparents like this too. Being sporty, having friends, playing instruments, being well rounded people - are all irrelevant.

That said I know only the work status of their friend’s children too. I never hear about somebody who has a ‘job’, only those who are doctors, architects and occasionally writers. they have a particular love for talking about embassies. It is a status symbol for them. Education and what they perceive as status careers are highly valued at the expense of everything else. I find it very very sad.

I would keep the career OP but go down to maybe 20hrs a week if it’s possible, or if you don’t need the money or part time not possible, look at opportunities for volunteering your legal experience for charities that interest you etc, thereby keeping up the knowledge and skills but with hours you do to suit as and when.