How much should your partner earn....

[nonwonderwoman]

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

I would strongly advise against giving up your career because your husband is earning a lot. You can never tell what is around the corner.

It depends on if you have a career that you find fulfilling or if you’d prefer to stay at home and look after the kids for now or the house etc. You could also do charity work or retrain to do something you’d prefer if you have more financial freedom.

Are you debt free and saving for an early retirement?

it's almost irrelevant if you are both happy. But the above question is an important one.

If he is earning so much isn’t it worth spending time with your daughter for the short time she is dependant on you. Perhaps you could set up your own business and/or arrange to work from home or work part time, or enlarge the family.:)
Family is real life, work is a means to keep that family happy.

Here is my humble opinion I've spent the last 23 years killing myself working 80 plus hours a week to climb the corporate ladder for companies that in reality couldnt give two hoots about me and my well being it's simply about me and the numbers I bring in
I earn a decent salary of 125+ plus car and bonus plus expenses. As a woman I have been passed over for Male counterparts multiple times who are not as good at or as experienced as the job as me. Yes I'm in a senior position however I should be MD by now and am at least two levels down from that. I've hit 45 now and realise work ain't the real world and it doesn't make you happy in the end. My other half earns 25 grand a year and is miles happier than me. He has no stress and works 35 hours a week starting at 7 and finishing at 3 we are now selling the big house that I pushed for and i am starting my own small business. If my hubby was in the same position as yours i would give up work in a heart beat. Life is short and i recently lost my mum which has put a lot in perspective so sod work and all that goes with it and be happy !!

My ex-husband earned over £105k pa, treated me horrendously and turned out to be an abusive narcissist.

My fiancé earns just under £20k working ft.

I know which one makes me happy!

How much should your partner earn? Shouldn’t you be striving to be the best you can be regardless? At the end of the day you’ll be the one supporting yourself and your children (if anything happened to your marriage - really hope you have a long and happy marriage by the way). Everyone is capable of anything and you sound like a woman who likes to achieve. Children are brilliant but there’s only so king you can be a SAHM before you go stark raving mad - children are a massive achievement but there’s something about carving out something if your own. Please don’t pack it all in because your husband is a “high earner@. You’ll regret it

really? what problems you have? try having to go down the foodbanks eveyr months because dont have enough food to feed your family.

Do whatever makes you the happiest?
Can you work part time? I worked 3 days a week when my children were small and went full time when youngest started comp.
My OH are in same line of work my career was on back burner while he steadily progressed. I’m starting to catch up now.
I’m glad I worked and think I got the balance right.
For me though feminism is about what works best for you and having choice

Don’t do it OP! Go for middle ground: get out of the City race to make senior partner and instead find an area of law that offers possibilities exciting to you (GLS? Drafting legislation? Advocacy? Law Commission? Law lecturer? Writing for the Gazette? Human rights? A small local firm with loads of free time for hobbies and 😱 an after school social life?)

Do NOT become sahm to a rich husband. It is a trap. Within a couple of years you become unemployable for anything remotely professional. Children get older overnight, cease to need you so much, and they become much less fun to look after. Husband begins to make everything about him because he is the breadwinner and therefore he gets all the lie ins and you should do all cooking/cleaning/childcare. Forever. Your voice becomes lost as you drift lonely around empty gyms during the day waiting for school pickup where the working mothers (who could never have dreamed of holding your former role) patronise you. Friends encouragingly suggest you become a childminder or apply for part time admin roles that you’re way overqualified for, and no-one will be interested in your opinion or thoughts on anything or really respect you at all. Despite the degrees and former high flying career. Your intellectually starved brain will start to obsess over random things like kitchen door handles until your conversation becomes boring to even yourself and your most interesting social interactions are on mumsnet.

And then there’s a problem at school and you realise that if you hadn’t quit work you could have afforded private education for your children but as it is you’re stuck with whatever the state system deigns to provide.

Trust me I know. ☹️

Why do you want to be defined by your work. You should be defined by your life - it sounds as though you need to live a little before its too late.

Wow! Many people would love to have the dilemma of being in such an amazing financial position as you and have the option to stop working. Many won’t even earn your quoted salary figures let alone your DH’s. You are incredibly fortunate. Having said that if you can’t make up your mind easily, could compromise and work part-time. You could do some volunteering for a cause you support, such as conservation, become a hospital volunteer driver, work in a charity shop etc. You could even help in your children’s school.

Boo. Fucking. Hoo.
Be grateful for your lot. You earn a huge amount of money and your husband’s salary is borderline obscene.

@hoodygoody piss off. OP isn’t bragging just saying it as it is. Envy is not a nice quality

Why does there have to be no juggling just as they’re wealthy? Someone still has to drop them off, pick them up, make sure they do their homework.... sure they could have have a full time nanny but I’m sure they still want to spend some time with their children too. Weekdays are a nightmare for working parents. Even a full time nanny would need some time off. When the other partner earns so much more you’re the one who can never stay late to finish off. You’re the one who comes home if kids are poorly, your job come second. Fact. If you’re paying someone to look after you’re kids constantly then you’re not spending any time with them. I’m assuming OP doesn’t just want to do that. It’s hard when you both work full time, regardless of the help... you still need to parent, you pay for childcare but there is still a point where you come in from work and takeover. Unless they ship them off to boarding school of course.

I would keep at it OP. I have never felt comfortable depending on a man for anything. Married or not. I like earning my own money and doing with it as I please.

My sis in law married a wealthy man. Gave up her career.
Kids are grown up now.
Her life revolves at her tennis club.
She’s happy enough but it wouldn’t e for me

I'd love our combined salary to be as much as that but it's nowhere near. I have part-time, reasonably flexible hours that work around my children but we live in an area where we'll paid jobs are quite hard to come by without sacrificing hours of traveling. Go with what works for you both.

Cough cough stealth boast cough cough

@gmom thank you for your post

My partner and I earn about £35 between us! And I'm still better off than most of my family. And I don't even feel poor. I can't even imagine what people do with this kind of salary :-/

My partner has always earned lots more than myself. At the start I was happy to keep my independence and didn't feel bothered, but slowly over the years, I've been able to have more flexibility with my life and rely on him a little more. Now we've just had our ds, I began to appreciate just how lucky we are and I whilst I can I will make the most of every second for as long as possible! Yes things can change, but there's always going to be a job out there and you can't get this precious time back. I'd say enjoy your life with your babies and take advantage of how lucky you are :)

After 32 years of marriage my breadwinner father walked out on my mother who had let her career go to follow him round as he got promotions. I will never put myself in the position she did. Luckily she had a great solicitor but it could have been very bad for her financially.

Having once married a man who earned significantly more than me I learned my lesson - never marry a man who earns significantly more than you do!!!

He was a controller and attempted to stop me from working after I had the children - luckily I had the sense to ignore him and carried on working pt.

Goof job really as I relied on my career when I finally found the courage to walk out on him and found myself literally homeless.

Pushed my hours back up and just about survived privately renting. Still renting six years on post-divorce!!

My husband earns such a staggering amount of money that it made absolutely no sense for me to go back to a job I only marginally enjoyed, when we just didn't need the money. Yes of course, my salary could've paid for extra holidays or material things, but I get more joy out of life being a SAHM and looking after the house and children. I feel like sometimes being a SAHM is looked down upon, as if our role is "doing what we want all day" - but being a SAHM is what you make of it. If you spend your days cooking (if you enjoy it, which I do), cleaning (if you enjoy it, which I do - yes we also have a cleaner but not 7 days a week and kids make MESS!) Or doing the 100s of other things you can do to fill your day then you will never be "bored". I don't even know what it feels like to be bored! It also means we get to enjoy our weekends as a family without needing to do washing, food shopping, errand running etc. I'm incredibly fortunate to be in this position, my husband was in telesales selling water when we met, so I know what it feels like to not have the flexibility I do now, which clearly you do too, which makes me think you'll make the most of it too.

Alternatively, if you don't want to give up work entirely, why not find a nice easy part time job near home that keeps you busy but doesn't cause unnecessary stress. I always thought how much I'd love to work in a little tea shop or something, sadly there's nothing like that where I live.

You won't know unless you try...