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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How much should your partner earn....

365 replies

nonwonderwoman · 19/02/2020 23:49

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

OP posts:
Astressie · 21/02/2020 22:24

Haven't read the whole thread but just to add my 5 cents worth, I have just retired at 53- very early. I have always worked part-time but enjoyed it and given it my all. My partner has sold his company, so on the back of this we both retired. Never been so bored. You need lots of other interest if you are going to remain at home and not go back to work, but in the short term working part-time was a good compromise for me for childcare and I always managed to move my way up the ladder. I suppose it depends on how fulfilling you find your job/ your home life. I changed my career sector 3 times and got a second degree. I am finding it hard to stay and home and miss people. Now considering training to be a yoga teacher- I've done yoga for years.

Darbs76 · 21/02/2020 22:25

Agree do it for yourself if you want to go further in your career. Everyone is different but for me as a single mum with a good career (not amazing but good salary and hopefully more promotion (S) in the next few years. I have an aim of where I want to do in 10yrs time and I know that when I get there I’ve got there through nothing but my own hard work, juggling and sacrifices. This is just my own personal view but I wouldn’t feel satisfied in life if everything that I owned / had was through the success of a partner. I don’t understand women who are just looking for a rich man to keep them in the manner to which they are accustomed. I want to sit there and I think I achieved this, me.

Munthy · 21/02/2020 22:26

Lol I agree ☝️

OkMaybeNot · 21/02/2020 22:29

If he earned 30K you’d hardly be in the same dilemma as the OP as it wouldn’t be an option to give up work surely.

You'd be surprised. But that's not what I was saying, I was just pointing out that I'd feel more vulnerable, not less, because of the amount he had coming in. You could hide all sorts from your spouse with a salary that large...

Alsohuman · 21/02/2020 23:16

You could hide all sorts from your spouse with a salary that large...

I imagine you could squirrel a fair bit away from the housekeeping too. It goes both ways.

flyingspaghettimonster · 21/02/2020 23:32

I've been stuck at home unable to work for most of my adult life due to visa restrictions. We are reaching the point where we might finally be able to get a work visa for me, but it has been almost half my life since I last had a job and no career prospects so the thought of taking a minimum wage crappy job does not greatly appeal to me. My life would be very different if my husband earned like yours allegedly does. I would be able to afford further education to complete my degree and I could upgrade all of my sewing equipment to professional models and take some courses in costume design. I might still be a stay at home mum, but I wouldn't feel trapped by it with that kind of security.

That said, it is hard to imagine that kind of income since it is 3 times what our house cost to buy. I would gladly live on less money in exchange for having my husband home more.

beingmum39 · 22/02/2020 07:23

My partner and I were pretty even on salaries until my DS was born last year. With us both working shift work I haven't been able to return full time so he now earns £20k more than me and I have gone part time working 2-3 days a week. Tbh I love not being there full time, I get quality time at home, I earn enough to be ok, and also have the tax man no longer interested in my money. When my son is older I won't be able to go back to that job full time because of shift work so if I was to go full time by then my partner will probably be on about £35k more than me as I will have to take a job that fits around childcare and probably pays minimum wage. I am not bothered though as currently I have the right work/life balance so in a nutshell do what makes you happy Wink

whittingtonmum · 22/02/2020 07:27

£285k combined annual salary - what a dilemma to have.

OkMaybeNot · 22/02/2020 07:30

It goes both ways.

True!

BlimeyCalmDown · 22/02/2020 07:34

Humble braggers out in force Hmm

Willowashen · 22/02/2020 07:38

I earn 110k and my husband 250k - and believe it or not every penny is accounted for and I wear mostly h&m

I’m not frugal and appreciate it’s easy to spend money, but really, do you have monthly bonfires using cash for fuel or something?

Atilathehunter · 22/02/2020 07:43

For fear of sounding like in stealthily boasting, my husband probably makes double that on an average year and for a while I did the SAHM mum thing despite the fact that my earnings potential wasn’t much below his. I got bored after a while and went back to work albeit in a slightly different capacity. Point is, nothing wrong with being a SAHM but I personally struggled with it given what I do for a career is intrinsically linked to who I am and I felt a bit lost as a SAHM in terms of identity. I suppose it depends on how much you enjoy your career and whether childcare and logistics become too much of a ball ache when two people are working, especially in a non flexible capacity.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 22/02/2020 08:29

One word..... Narcissus

joffreyscoffees · 22/02/2020 08:29

Would still work. I would never want to rely on someone for money, it can all change in a heartbeat and people can also be dicks about money - I'm sure your DH is fine but I would worry in an argument the age old 'I go to work everyday to provide for this family' would sprout it's head.

KenAdams · 22/02/2020 08:32

Never rely on a man for money. Don't give up everything as you'll find it hard to get back in. Reduce your hours if you want to but don't ever give it up completely. I've seen too many women lose everything by giving up work only for their husbands to walk out the door.

gingersausage · 22/02/2020 08:37

What’s all this bullshit about getting “half his income if you divorce”?
A) it isn’t true, and B) even if it was, surely he’d get half yours too.

Saying your husband earns double or more than the OP’s is the furthest fucking thing from a STEALTH boast ever. It’s an out and out brag. My husband brings home £16,640. Is that stealth poverty? I’m not keen on H&M though, I don’t think the quality is very good 😉.

Aryaneedle · 22/02/2020 08:51

I'm very very poor, I earn an okay ish wage but have got divorce and credit card debt and paying for 3 degrees and 3 children alone. I pay a mortgage so I'm better off than most as I have my own home and don't share ownership.

However, I pay a huge amount into society as I'm a children's social worker and a family therapist. So I may be cash poor but my contribution to society and my value to it is rich Confused

If I died tomorrow I'd get more pleasure in thinking about my contributions than my money. People would talk at my funeral about my personality, my brain and what I helped them with I think. Nobody would say 'But she was poor'. I'm actually worth more to my kids dead than alive anyway due to life insurance and in death service Grin

But my point to the OP is, life is about what you do and the differences you make in your interactions with others and the meaning made behind it. Don't give that up. Put financial motivators aside and consider that.

mylifestory · 22/02/2020 09:20

I dont see why you see it as a competition with yr husband as to who can earn most? I'd say go part time bt that may not be possible in yr job, then u wdnt need a nanny and it'd actually make life harder with more juggling. Definitely cut back on the work and maybe quit it altogether for a while while yr kids are small as that is time u will not get back with them as it is gone too soon. When they are bigger u can rejoin the retrace. Have you spoken to yr employer about what the options are or don u know already. Even a career break gap and u CD go back o them. Try taking 6 months to a year off and then go from there. It will help you decide if you would be bored but I seriously doubt it, I'm pretty sure you would wonder why u hadn't done it before. Remember it isn't always about the money, you may find u are bored at home and know you can go back. Do whatever you need for you and the kids

helpmethekidsarehere · 22/02/2020 09:38

who knew so many 0.5 percenters & above used Mumsnet!

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 22/02/2020 10:30

helpmethekidsarehere Grin I suppose it's possible given around 300 thousand people (33 thousand of those being women and 267 thousand men) earn 14% of the salary paid out in the UK each year, with the other 32 million workers sharing the remaining 76%

I'm sure some are genuine and some are fantasists, just as with all the MN posters who have twins (used to be 1% of births 50 years ago though it's more now due to IVF and older average maternal age).

Gbtch · 22/02/2020 10:50

Reduce your hours so you keep a foothold and can increase again if desired. Don’t give up your independence or let that good reputation, you have worked hard for, wane

JamesBlonde1 · 22/02/2020 10:58

As an individual I would always want to work if I could. I'm happy to contribute my share of tax to pay for roads, NHS, state schools etc. I wouldn't be happy for my DH to only have to pay for it. I'm surprised so many people are happy to NOT contribute to society's costs and let others do it for them instead.

NearlyGranny · 22/02/2020 11:26

If you love work, do it! I was so thrilled to have a great job I would have done for nothing if I hadn't had a mortgage etc that I still do it now in retirement as a small business. I can do as much or as little as I like and it funds my travel habit and let's me be generous.

Do whatever makes you happy, which may well be guaranteeing your independence.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/02/2020 12:30

James I currently do a lot of volunteer work making use of my professional qualifications and some weeks I do more hours than I did when was working PT. I feel that I am contributing to society but in a different way than paying taxes.

One of the roles I do is a statutory requirement for the organisation and cannot be a paid role but has similar requirements to a professional role.

Gmom · 22/02/2020 15:13

“The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life.”

You imply that it is not “feminist” to quit your job. This is a misunderstanding of feminism. (Never mind how patronising it is to imply being at home is the simple life - maybe for you but not for millions of women who have tough lives at home).

Feminism does not mean that all women should work for pay outside the home and not to do so is un-feminist.

On the one hand feminism is the idea that women should have equal access to employment which means being educated, hired, trained, promoted and paid fairly (and not to have disadvantage in these respects versus men purely because of gender). Feminists support work-based initiatives such as paid maternity leave, caring leave, job sharing, protection from gender based violence at work etc.

On the other hand feminism recognises the 100s of hours of unpaid work women (and to a lesser extent statistically, men) do at home each week that enable society and the world economy to function. Lots of women stay home to care for children, take care of an elderly or ill relatives, take family to medical appointments, do food shopping and preparation, do cleaning and laundry, take children to school and help them with homework etc - and their families rely on these tasks being done for them without pay (except for the salary they sacrifice by not working) so that they can work for pay. Feminists understand the value of that work and want to make it easier for people to do that when they need to or choose to, for example by improving transport in a way that supports carers.

I recommend reading Invisible Women by Caroline Criado Perez so you don’t use the word feminist in a way that makes you look so clueless.

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