How much should your partner earn....

[nonwonderwoman]

I have always been ambitious but my DH has outstripped my earnings by at least double check in the last 5 years.
This hasn't generally bothered me as I have earned well in the legal profession and developed an excellent reputation at work. However my DH has recently been awarded a salary of £215k + .
The feminist in me wants to keep going to work and building my reputation and professional life but the realist in me wonders whether to give up my job and start enjoying a simple life. ABUR?

Honestly OP, Jack your job and we’ll go crushing round the world!! I’ll help you spend it lass

Cruising

Yep we have a nanny but that doesn't mean that I don't want to be there for music concerts, shows, sports days, parents evenings and general mum things.

£215k p.a. is private school (If they're 4+) or nanny affordability, so you wouldn't need to juggle childcare, especially with your salary in the mix as well.

😂😂😂 sports day is once a year. As are the other things. Do what you want, you have that privilege. Or take leave for an hour or so for the nativity 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Ffs. I'm hoping you're not serious for your nanny's sake 🙈😂

Do you know what, I would become a sahm in your position. You are paying the nanny to do a job which you could do, and then you could still do some pro-bono work in the legal world. Your children won't be little forever and doing this now will give you lots of opportunities to spend more time with them.
I hate juggling working full-time with having three children, and in your position I would jump at the chance. My husband earns half what yours does and it isn't an option for us. I don't earn a lot, but what I do covers the mortgage and a bit more and we can't do without it.

Well, it sounds as if you want to give up work or at least cut back your hours. Up to you, of course, but i wouldn't stop work entirely if i were you.
Several PPs have given reasons why this is not a good idea. And really, if you're doing well in your career, and it sounds as if you are, would you be happy at home all the time especially when the children are at school full time? Could be lonely, and dull... Is there no chance of working part time for a while?

Crusty crab - not sure what you mean? Being a mum isn't just a few school hours a year is it? It's collecting the kids after school, hearing about their days, seeing them in their (many) music shows, brownies presentations, football awards, parent evenings x2 each term etc.

Tartyflette - I don't want to give up work. That's just it. I love my job and the people I work with, but without the benefit of needing the salary it has just become so worthless. I think I'd be really lonely as a stay at home mum.

Well the realist in me is feminist... I would never quit.

I love my job and the people I work with, but without the benefit of needing the salary it has just become so worthless

Why is it worthless if you love it?

Has someone else suggested that it's pointless for you to continue working?

What would you do if you won the lottery? Would you still want to work?

Maybe look at other legal roles or try a sabbatical.
I do think it's very hard to be part time in the legal profession but some roles are easier to balance and be flexible with

My husband earns that sort of amount - I work full time but will never ever earn as much as him - I don’t care about that and knew that he would always outearn me - but I won’t give up work, I pay for the nanny and contribute to other things and without my salary I couldn’t.

How much time go you both get to see your DC? What happens in the school holidays?

Any chance of you going part-time/flexible working so can do school runs etc, if you don’t want to give up completely.

If jobs involve long hours but there was sufficient money for just one person working and to still have a lifestyle you like, then I would reduce/give up one career.

Could you use your skills in a volunteer role OP? That is what I do.

My DH currently earns around 4 times my salary, I am a middle manager earning around £40k excl bonus now. At the start I was in sales and brought in the most, then we had parity, then when our D.C. were small I earnt more due to my overall package and benefits although in cash terms we were equal, it was stressful and I had lots of responsibility and he travelled frequently so it wasn’t great for family life. We were then able to change the dynamics which allowed him to facilitate a career change and me to step off my career path. It is the best for us, I have my financial independence which has always been important to me, a job with no commute and the level of responsibility that does not affect my health. He has the flexibility to travel at a moments notice, a long commute and a fulfilling career.
His salary supports the family including putting the D.C. through uni.

What I am trying to say OP is that I reached a point when I wanted to step back and enjoy life but not to step away completely and lose my independence

Your grandmother gave you wise words - why do you wish to ignore them now?

Up to you isn't it. You're already describing staying at home as "humdrum"

Maybe your working persona is part of what your DH finds attractive about you. ( only part obviously). If you don’t want to stop working then don’t but perhaps consider a move to another sector that you don’t find worthless ( non profit,charity or civil rights etc) if that’s something that your skill set would facilitate.

I wish me and my partner earned as much as you do combined, but we earn barely half of your own wages. I work part time, and he works full time and we struggle, if we had your income I'd still work part time around school hours. The job I'm in is flexible, I work 4 days a week and swap my days off for school events for my eldest, and hopefully will be able to do the same when my youngest gets to school age. If you can get a flexible working plan in place that might help you get the best of both worlds then, more time with kids while not giving up work. I'm a big believer in kids are only young once and you should make the most of it, especially if you can afford it.

My DH is on less than half that salary and I became a SAHM. I really disliked my job though and it wasn't going to improve. I didn't have the option to go part-time or work reduced hours. Being a SAHM is humdrum but then my job was too tbh.

The best option would have been part-time. Is that an option for you?

Same position as you. We are both high earners. What we did? We both decided to cut back to part time and drop our nanny (although she was great). We also take a month off every year to travel.
I'm a consultant in a big 4 too. Don't let him tell you he can't go part time or reduce his hours or ask for leave. He can; I did.

^ it was important to me to keep working and to have an equal footing with DH in financial matters. It was important to both of us to enjoy our kids while they're young. That's why we set our lives up like that ^

My mum always worked, despite dad having a good job. Which came in handy when he later had to stop work completely due to mh - stress from that high paid job being a huge factor

I would definitely look to reduce my hours in your situation but not completely jump out of work , you never know when you may need to get back in

My advice is don't assume a decision is for ever so if you carry on working now, but stop later that's ok, if you take a year off sabbatical or otherwise - do so in a way that allows you to restart. Personally I found being a working mum was easier when they were little, the teen years are proving more challenging especially as Nanny's don't really solve those problems.

If you love your job carry on or investigate ways to reduce hours but if you find yourself wanting to stop do so sensibly. Sort your finances, ensure your DH helps contribute to pension pots or savings, get good life and redundancy cover. Leave your job on a high, and with good feelings, continue to keep in touch with mentors and if you can find roles that keep your skills up to date be it volunteer or freelance (easier said than done in legal I know). Women who've planned a break find it much easier to go back to work as and when, than those who leave abruptly, in a rose coloured haze of babies or after they burnt out.

Honestly? I love my job and I’m super driven... but in these circumstances I think i would drop a day a week, four working and three at home with the kids. At least until they were older. Then you don’t lose your career progression but you also see your children grow up more.