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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

247 replies

Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 18:32

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 19/02/2020 22:18

Isn’t the whole point of this thread to advertise a business.

mathanxiety · 19/02/2020 22:24

Only if the business was described in a way that made it identifiable.

NaughtyLittleElf · 19/02/2020 22:24

A lot of MNers and their DH/DPs seem to have these hobbies that turn into businesses and yet I can only think of one person I know in real life who's done that, a photographer.

I can't actually think of anyone else who's turned a hobby into viable job, lots of people with lifestyle businesses supported by a well paid other partner ….

foxystoatfoxypig · 19/02/2020 22:26

and it doesn't bother me I earn more...

Really? You seem to have mentioned it an awful lot here though.

loveskaka · 19/02/2020 22:33

A tat?

returnofthecat · 19/02/2020 22:33

Just had another thought... for you to be earning so much, you must have a home office that is "your" space? Can't the compromise be to keep your ornaments in that room rather than shared space...? Then you have your treat and he doesn't have to see his tat.

loveskaka · 19/02/2020 22:33

It was tat?**

RightOnTheEdge · 19/02/2020 22:38

I like them OP. Well done with your business I'd love to do something like that, but I have no talent or ideas Blush Grin

How is it advertising whe OP hasn't said the name of the business or what she sells? Confused

WhentheDealGoesDown · 19/02/2020 22:39

Why should OP hide her stuff away, I doubt her DH will notice it after a while. I certainly wouldn’t hide stuff I wanted away

Samtsirch · 19/02/2020 22:53

LOL
OP may be playing the long game
Who knows

Shinyletsbebadguys · 19/02/2020 22:56

I find it really odd that some pp are splitting hairs about this , there are loads of things about teach other that dp I and dont understand. I dont get what is exciting about a new computer joystick and he is very confused why womens haircuts ar not £13 and was completely gobsmacked that we dint always get the appointment the same day and nearly fell over when I told him my appointment was in a weeks time. However a few days before hand when I debated spending money on a haircut when it could be used for other things, he firmly said absolutely not , get your hair done it makes you happy and we can afford it , why shouldn't you get something nice as well.

Its irrelevant that he basically thinks women are a bit insane about their hair...ultimately it makes me happy so he insists. Again lots of people saying that OP should consider whether he wants that....I dont particularly want DP 's computer in the living room but he loves it and it's a shared living room, he doesnt care about the light up wreath sitting on the mantle piece that I love but he smiles and adjusts it because I love it.

If either of us started to dictate about ugly or tat the relationship would be in a bad place because those idiosyncrasies re part of who we are. Either like it or dont , but you dont get to decide for another person whether its tat or ugly.

The only time either of us intervene is if money is tight and even then it's a discussion about how we can afford it, what Bill's need to be paid first.

I get what OP is saying. I have always earned more than my partners and it's not often been an issue, but there have been times where for whatever reason my job has been stressful to earn that money and it has been a sacrifice . God help the partner that then begrudge me something to cheer me up during that period.

OP if it is a rare occurrence I'd be talking to him not about how much more you earn but that it's something you liked and was important to you (doesnt have to be huge or sentimental but sometimes something small can be what keeps you going during tough bits , whether it be an ornament , a book, a face mask...we all have our little pleasures in life and they are just as important as the big stuff) and his way of handling it was not ok. I'd avoid blame like mentioning the takeaways and focus on how it made you feel.

TalbotAMan · 19/02/2020 22:56

If you have completely joint money then there has to be agreement between you both as to what it can be spent on.

That's why a lot of couples keep separate accounts.

GertieGumboyle · 19/02/2020 23:01

I voted YABU purely because of you shouting in a shop. This is never, ever, ever acceptable.

messolini9 · 19/02/2020 23:17

YABU to not share money equally.
Why?
OP does all the full time childcare, & works to earn most of the money.

justplopit · 19/02/2020 23:17

Off topic, but what do you make and sell to earn more than him with children at home?

Yes I want to know too, what crafts makes so much money. Is it those real babies or similar?

darthbreakz · 19/02/2020 23:22

It sounds to me like he was disagreeing over taste and you're disagreeing about money.

If he thought it was tat then it doesn't matter whether it was £50 or a fiver - tat is a waste of money to the beholder of the tat.

Just go and buy it and if he really doesn't like it, negotiate a place it can go where you can see it lots and where he won't have to see it that much.

Samtsirch · 19/02/2020 23:24

At the risk of repeating myself....
Advertising a business.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/02/2020 23:27

Buy it. In fact buy 4 of them. They aren’t really to my taste but they are certainly not horrible or offensive. If my DP wanted them, I’d be happy for him to buy them.

Then start putting a little less money into the joint account for now on. Build up your own little nest egg. If I really wanted something I would buy it. My DP’s opinion on spending £50 for something I really liked would not bother me. If he hated it, I would buy it anyway. Likewise I wouldn’t tell him what he couldn’t spend money on.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 19/02/2020 23:43

What are you on about @Samtsirch?

Posters calling OP 'bratty' and 'spoiled' how on earth do you reach that conclusion? She works full time with the kids and her business and earns the lions share of money, doesn't spend on herself and then was 'moaned' at extensively to the extent of not buying a small item she wanted for herself. Completely unjustifiable accusation to say such about her.

Some posters will twist anything to support the men in any situation.

Samtsirch · 19/02/2020 23:45

.............

ReturnofSaturn · 19/02/2020 23:50

Is it macrame wall hangings and such?

Although I think a fair few people are doing that again now.

SandAndSea · 19/02/2020 23:53

Is there any chance he's secretly planning to buy them for you and was putting you off the scent?

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 23:56

Advertising? Strange thing to suggest (and keep suggesting over and over) when no one knows the name or nature of it- the thread is not about the business. I only mentioned it, to show how much I contribute. (Although I now feel that even if I didn’t contribute, I should still be able to buy something I like hassle free being as i rarely ever want anything for myself and we could afford it.)

OP posts:
cinders15 · 20/02/2020 00:00

Lotus - just enjoy them when they come! See if he notices they are there! Good luck! Thanks

nettie434 · 20/02/2020 00:09

I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

Not in the circumstances. The ornament is the equivalent of about 5 takeaways then so it is not really reasonable to complain that you wanted to buy it. Redskyatnight’s suggestion of of two separate personal spending accounts sounds sensible.