Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

[Lotuscup563]

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

If he's dictating how you spend your income, that's an issue.

Was it definitely a "don't waste money", or was it more a "that ornament is hideous, and not worth £50, and I don't want to have to look at it"?
I personally hate ornaments and the like, and if DP wanted to buy one I'd probably say the same, even though money wouldn't really be the issue IYSWIM.
The rest of your relationship is a different kettle of fish though....

Order it online and show us a picture, too!

Maybe it's time for each of you to have some spending money for yourselves - he can use his for his takeaways.

Was this an argument about you spending money or an argument about your differing taste in home decoration?

I've name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years
Why did you bother?

Maybe it had nothing to do with the cost of the it but the fact that he didn't like it at all. Don't you have to both agree to get something for the house?

My ex used to try to fill the house with ornamental 'tat' at every opportunity and I had to put my foot down and say 'no' every so often. Not because I'm 'controlling', or because of finances, but quite simply because living together in the same space is about compromise. They like a ton of ornamental and decorative bits and bobs around the place, whereas it just drives me to distraction and I'd far rather have totally bare walls, mantelpieces etc.

At various points somebody is going to be absolutely strident that they're not going to tolerate buying/not buying that next item. Far from seeing it as a 'AIBU' and prompting ridiculous questions about why the relationship is even a thing, it's part and parcel of living, fairly, with another human being. Sometimes you get what you want, and sometimes you have to accept they get their own way.

As others have said, what if he simply disliked it and, on this occasion, wasn't willing to countenance sharing his home with it?

I'm in it too for the job details...

Does he normally behave like this? If so, you have a problem.

If this is the first time it's happened, it's probably not about money just that he hates the ornament and, in the moment, it seemed easier to say it's a waste of money than he thinks it's hideous.

No I never say to his face I’m the higher earner- I’m not mean, and I wouldn’t do that as there was times due to health before children, we had a mortgage and I couldn’t work and he supported me 100% and paid it all. He has also sustained a injury where he couldn’t work and I paid the finances for by myself. I don’t resent him, I don’t resent being the higher earner- but I resent the fact he doesn’t realise how much I better us all, and then I’m the one who can’t have just one tiny ornament.

I love my partner and we are a team, but I’m just so mad that he could even suggest I can’t have a ornament when I never spend any money on myself ever!

This is a one off, I guess I’m just stunned he said no, and now I’m thinking about it I can’t grasp where his logic comes from in even thinking he could say no. If it was a £500 item that’s different, but this was A spend that we could afford.

I agree about the spending money thing. We have a joint account for joint expenses and bills but we each have our own personal accounts to buy whatever we want from. Joint finances doesn't mean you need to have one big pot - you're entitled to your own financial independence and autonomy too.

Maybe it's time to have equal but separate spending money. He can buy takeaways you can buy ornaments. Ido think he's BU to moan so much when you buy something for yourself which you can afford.

Could we see the ornament?

You've lost me when you said
"A real stay at home mum potters about."

and £50 on a random ornament IS a waste.

Sounds like he just doesn't want what he perceives as tat in the house.

Buy the ornament, in fact buy several, put one in every room of the house and one in his car. Don’t say a word, just leave them there

Buy it. You don’t need his permission. I’m sure he doesn’t ask for your permission when he spends money on himself.

IanSomerhalderIsAGod why is £50 on an ornament a waste? Do you live in a minimalistic box with zero personal or artistic items?

Pissed off over the ornament or the relationship.....

RedskyAtnight we have the same system for the same reasons!

But having said that an ornament would be a joint decision as I wouldn't want to look at something I hated day in day out.

You sound really resentful and not a very nice person.

Ian, potters about is an expression, a term used in the part of the country I live.

It’s meaning is ‘and doing other things’

I think you need to show us the ornament. Maybe he couldn't face living with it?
Not that I'd be asking anyone for permission to spend £50 of my own money!

Was it definitely a "don't waste money", or was it more a "that ornament is hideous, and not worth £50, and I don't want to have to look at it"?

I thought this as well. Maybe he just really didn't like it.

But this is clearly about more than just the ornament. You obviously resent him for not being ambitious career-wise and therefore not earning enough that for you to remain a SAHM. That's a much bigger issue.

Irrespective of who earns more and works more, I think that if one of you thinks its ugly then the other one shouldn't buy it for the house (unless you have separate bedrooms or a home office that only you use or something). I'd be pissed off if my husband came home with an ornament that I thought looked tatty

You need a conversation about this. If it’s a big item that he’ll have to look at constantly and hates, I can understand his POV, but telling you it’s tat is rude. You like it! Was he telling you that you couldn’t have it due to money? If so, I’d be calling him out every time he got take out, because that’s a regular waste of money that he’s wasting.