Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

[Lotuscup563]

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

Lotuscup563 Well done for running a sucessful business:)

Pull fiscial rank on him and go get your little treat:)

I have ordered them, and I’m not sure why people keep saying that he didint say not to get them? I’ve given off the wrong signal there.

He said they were tat (after initially saying he liked them before I said I’m going to buy them) and then started moaning about it. If someone is moaning at you about buying a item, then they don’t want you to buy it do you.

He liked the item but £36 is too much money to be spent on me.

For the poster above saying it’s all me,me, me.....I can honestly tell you I wish it was like that, but that’s so far from the truth, I’ve always come last, so on the very very very odd occasion when I would like something, I don’t think there should be a massive deal made about it. Some appreciation for what I do should be given, being as I barly ask for anything.

The above poster has who got it right has really made me think. My DH is lovely, he really is, Ive been with him for years and we have built a life together that we love, this is my fault. I have put myself at the bottom of the pile for years and now it is just seen as standard. I will be working on me, becoming more equal to him and our kids wants and needs.

Yes!! It is an arts and crafts business!

I don’t earn more than anyone’s full time wage...I’m not a millionaire, but i earn more than his full time wage.

If you had been buying something for yourself, say clothes or a bag or jewellery would he have said anything. It's one thing to buy something for yourself but this is something for the house. I bet if your DH came home with an ornament you thought was tat then the same people telling you to buy them anyway would be telling you to 'accidentally ' knock his tat off the shelf whilst cleaning.

It's a little bit gaslighty for my taste.

That’s exactly what it’s like. Op is insinuating something was said that actually wasn’t.

I apologise if I have got it wrong, OP, but your opening post does come across to me as dripping with resentment and a sense of superiority over your husband who just plods along.

If you truly feel your dh is lovely and have built a life together that you love then sort out this issue in a way that works for both of you and neither of you feel taken for granted or undermined by the other.

I think you have deeper problems than an ornament to be honest. It sounds like you are both resentful for being at home and for him going to work and earning less than you, so what would make you happy?

£50 on an ornament! I'm with your DH on this, it is a waste of money - maybe he's more practically minded and would rather spend £50 on an ornament that did something, like a speaker or some such - either way, him not earning as much as you means he believes £50 on a bloody ornament is sillly - so he sees it from his point of view, it's his opinion surely, he didn't forbid you not to buy it did he?

Buy the ornament; don't leave your husband because of what he said, sometimes thoughts enter the mind and we don't filter.

I think you are doing jolly well! Kudos to you for being so enterprising.

Yes OP, he may have liked it, but he didn’t love it or even like it enough to want it in his house.

Ornaments should be joint decisions. You’ve been very selfish here.

Glad you ordered them. Put a load of anti men books between them as an extra kick in the bollocks when your h views them.

People often go shopping and say they like things that the person they are shopping with does, just to be polite, or because it's not worth an in depth conversation about why they don't like it.

When it became clear it was more than a passing comment he said the ornament was tat - that's what he really thinks. I'm not sure why this has become all about money or him not wanting to spend money on yourself. I don't see an ornament as a personal item anyway - it's a house thing.

I personally don't like your ornament and would similarly moan at my DH if he suggested buying it. This doesn't mean I don't think he shouldn't spend money on himself! If he insisted on buying it (which would be up to him) I'd suggest it got put somewhere where I didn't have to look at it all day - I'm not sure why you didn't just say "well I like it, I can put it in xyz place and you won't notice it".

Get the ornament! (And a display cabinet with lights to put it in)

If I really want something and we can afford it, I get it. I never ask dh’s permission and I don’t even earn any of the dough!

It’s really funny, all the people saying he didn’t like the ornament enough to want it in the house. He doesn’t care about house stuff like that.

True story,- once I put a plastic purple cup in the middle of the hallway, with 3 books on it. Just sitting there, in the middle of the floor, you had to step over it to walk the hallway to enter the kitchen. I came down in the morning after he had been up for hours and asked why he hadn’t moved the cup and books yet, he said “well I didn’t know if you was doing some weird home thing with it, so left it” I practically had tears rolling down my eyes where I couldn’t stop laughing. I said no, there’s a spider under the cup can you put it outside - (I love that memory and we still laugh about it) but that’s how ‘concerned’ he is about ornaments and things in the house, he was happy to step over a cup and books plonked in the walkway of our hallway for 3 hours!!
🕷

YANBU. I don't work at all, haven't for nearly 7 years, but if I liked something, especially at the £50 mark, I'd buy it. DH honestly wouldn't care one way or another.

It doesnt matter what your husband or anyone else here think about it.

YOU like it and that's all that matters.

The only mistake you made was to take heed of him and not buy at the time.

But, definitely go back and buy it and mention to your DH as a by the way that you thought about it again and are going to buy it ( or tell him after you bought it).

You are both BU .
You sound bratty and he sounds like a sad sack.
Fwiw I wouldn’t spend £50 on an ornament either

And don’t people make joint decisions for the home ?
I wouldn’t be too pleased if dh brought something home to display that I didn’t like because he earns more than me ..

TBF they are a little tatt-ish, now if they were bikes, I'd day YANBU!

On a more serious note do what the other 78 people have suggested and have your own spending money, which he can use for his takeaways and you for your tatt.

You sound like hard work op.
Also I agree with your dh, they are tat.

Do people really live in homes where every ornament has been jointly decided on?

No one has ever been out shopping/on holiday and picked something they really liked alone? Or has an ugly lamp from their past?

What about gifts?

That's really not the norm in most households.

Enjoy your orniments .
TBH I think DH like me would just be agreeing at first about them being nice as general chit chat but soon as he thought they were going to be in his house he said they were tat and a waste because that what he really thinks .
All that said I would expect DW to buy them we don't ask each others permission .

I don't think he actually stopped you from buying it though ? Just said he didn't like it? TBH I think if I was buying an ornament, at whatever cost, my DH would say the same as he just wouldn't get the point.

If I were to spend the £50 on a dress, bag or night out with my friends he wouldn't comment but I can imagine him complaining over an ornament.

Looks like I’m the only one playing, fine by me! Is it the textiles industry?

I just saw the photo OP - I thought it was going to be something really hideous - They’re not bad at all! (Qualified interior designer here - and generally considered very stylish amongst friends!)