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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

247 replies

Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 18:32

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

OP posts:
Thefaceofboe · 19/02/2020 19:51

Seriously how is calling them tat, rude?! Fair enough if they were already bought and on display. I told my dh I didn’t like a coat he wanted last week because it looked cheap quality. Not rude at all

ToeStubber · 19/02/2020 19:54

Are you really saying he is nasty for not agreeing with your opinion on an object? Bloody hell op, get a grip. The fact that this one comment of his (that didn’t tell you not to buy them) has put you on a path of comparing earnings etc is silly, clearly you have a problem with him financially and that’s what needs sorted.

Lippy1234 · 19/02/2020 19:55

I’m another one saying to allocate some money for personal use. Then if one of you wants a £100 haircut or whatever then you don’t have to justify it to the other.

Kirkman · 19/02/2020 19:55

Op you obviously do have a problem with the earning situation.

He didnt forbid you to buy them.

And yet you have turned this into 'how dare he forbid me to buy something when I earn more'.

He didnt forbid it and who earns what is irrelevant. The fact that you have turned it into this, shows it is an issue

I mean what do you want him to lie when you ask his opinion?

If you really want them, get them. Just make sure you have somewhere to put them that he doesnt have to look at them, if he really doesnt like them.

Jumpingforgin · 19/02/2020 19:58

I'm not into horses, but I love them and would buy them. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Dashel · 19/02/2020 19:58

We have an agreement that unless we both like something for the house we don’t get it. Money or wages don’t come into that part of the discussion. Although one of us might say do we need it or is it good value or can we afford it.

I wouldn’t order something DH didn’t like and he wouldn’t either.

marashino · 19/02/2020 19:59

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

If he doesn't like it then he's entitled to say so surely? We agree what we have in the house and if one of us hates something then we don't get it or have it on our own bedside table (for example)

Bearbehind · 19/02/2020 20:07

The problem with this thread continues to be that the OP clearly has no intention of doing anything differently as she believes she’s entitled to this time off

If the attitude she has displayed on here, ie just trying to find the loophole and not acknowledge that her absence is a problem, is remotely visible to her employers, they’d be mad to keep her on

OverUnderSidewaysDown · 19/02/2020 20:08

I thought the ornament was going to be something hideous but as bookends they are not bad at all. Better than a lot of bookends you can buy.

Bearbehind · 19/02/2020 20:08

Sorry - wrong thread!

Margotshypotheticaldog · 19/02/2020 20:09

I'd buy 4. Just to annoy him and make a point. But I am EXTREMELY childish. It's your money, spend it however the fuck you want.

Margotshypotheticaldog · 19/02/2020 20:11

Bearbehind I agree with everything you said. Wrong thread or not, you make alot of sense.
🤪

LongLiveTheQueenBee · 19/02/2020 20:14

Clutching at straws.... Is there a birthday or celebration coming up and when you said you liked it he thought "oh I can get her those" And if you bought them then his gift idea would be out the window.

Bellyfullofbiscuits · 19/02/2020 20:18

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You like them, you work hard, you can afford them.... You go and buy them !!! You do not need permission . i mean what the hell? It is less than forty quid. It is not about them is it.. it is about not being appreciated or heard or what you want respected!!

mummyof2darlings · 19/02/2020 20:24

He didn't actually say you couldn't have them I love pandas and the amount of times my oh has moaned about items I get them anyway and tell him to like it or lump it 😂

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 20:25

@Bellyfullofbiscuits

That is exactly it....that’s why I’m hurt and upset. But couldn’t figure it out in my head or get it into words...but what you said it exactly right, and the real reason why I’m so frustrated....not because of the ornament or the money.

Your completely right. Thank you.

I’m going to order them now. Flowers

OP posts:
Kirkman · 19/02/2020 20:30

But he didnt even hint that she needed his permission.

He simply didnt like them.

Its op that's turned it into a money and permission issue and started an argument with him in public.

Op just tell him in future that he shoildnt share his honest opinion. Maybe that's what will keep you happy.

If dp started an argument with me in public then turned it round and said I was forbidding him to buy something, because I just didnt like it, I would tell him to fuck off.

It's a little bit gaslighty for my taste.

RedDogsBeg · 19/02/2020 20:32

You say you don't resent being the higher earner, but your posts scream that you do. There is a barely disguised contempt in your tone towards your husband, you come across as feeling very superior to him with an attitude that you are the family saviour and martyr all rolled into one, the money you earn is more important than any contribution he makes.

Phrases such as these your opening post:

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work

he has no aspirations what so ever

so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it-

All very, me, me, and what about meee. Plus having a row in public sounds very spoilt temper tantrum territory.

Either the money that comes into the house is absolutely joint money, irrespective of who provides the majority of it and you are both entitled to say what it is spent on, or it isn't.

Pp's have suggested you each have an agreed sum of money after all bills, etc., are paid that you can each do what the hell you like with and that would seem to be a good idea, but if you are still going to harbour resentment that it is your earnings that provide this it won't solve the underlying problem.

heartsonacake · 19/02/2020 20:34

YABU. Ornaments and decorations for the house should be a joint decision; you should both love everything you buy to put in your home because you both live there.

Even if he liked these horse ornaments, he didn’t love them, or even like them enough to want them in the house.

So yes, YABVU. Especially so since he didn’t even say no to you and you just went off on one at him.

alfagirl73 · 19/02/2020 20:34

I like them! Get them and enjoy them! I understand why you're frustrated; you're a grown woman earning good money and he tries to tell you that you can't spend your own hard earned money on a treat for yourself. It's a respect issue; like he seems to think you need his permission to buy yourself something you like - but you don't. Please order them and display them with pride! :-) x

Iflyaway · 19/02/2020 20:37

I don’t get people who have a joint account for everything . Our joint account is for the mortgage and bills. That’s it. We then have our own money to spend as we please.

I agree with this. (Apart from having a savings account too...).

You don't need to be financially joined at the hip just because you are married/living together.

And, as they say.... Every woman needs a running away fund
(or old age pension!).

MRex · 19/02/2020 20:38

I don't like them and think you can get much nicer horse head bookends for the same price, if you really must have horse head bookends. We don't get stuff for the main house if one of us doesn't like it, we compromise and work out something we both like. There's a standing joke between us dating back to one item of "That's really lovely - for YOUR office". The issue isn't the money, it's that he doesn't like them. Find something you both like or put them in your own office. As to feeling resentful that you earn more and don't get to be a full-time time SAHM - again, it's about communication; maybe you just need him to acknowledge that you've done well, but whatever the issue is you should talk about it because the kind of resentfulness you feel isn't healthy in any relationship.

Blutterflies · 19/02/2020 20:38

Buy the horses if you like them just don’t be pissed off if you come home to a Man United bedspread or other horror!!

Now, more importantly, will you say Yes or No if we try to guess your job?

Blutterflies · 19/02/2020 20:39

I’ll go first, is it an arts and crafts business?

PeggySuehadababy · 19/02/2020 20:42

I'm intrigued by the job that pays more than a FT role but allows you to do it around childcare. You are not the dominatrix from the AMA?

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