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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

247 replies

Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 18:32

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

OP posts:
Walkaround · 19/02/2020 21:20

Clearly it’s a point of principle for you, OP. I agree with your dh that it’s tat and a waste of money - but it is your money to waste. If you will look at the tat every day and feel happy about it, then to you it is worth it.

LEELULUMPKIN · 19/02/2020 21:21

Do a "Godfather" on him OP. Buy the horses heads complete with a big botttle of ketchup.

Get up early and wait for the screams emanating from your bedroom.

That'l learn him!

eeyore228 · 19/02/2020 21:25

Did he actually tell you you couldn't buy it? Or did he just not like it? If he just called it to tat he's entitled to an opinion. If he's categorically stipulated you aren't buying it then there's a problem. In terms of going on about how.you earn more, so what? Surely you're both working and contributing to the household, so why make it so personal? It's normal for one person to earn more!

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2020 21:26

I was in Next the other day picking up a parcel and walked through the home store part, the shop is full of animal themed crap just now.

paragraphs · 19/02/2020 21:27

OP, I think you sound absolutely fine. To be honest, it’s annoying when you have to drag men round shops as a general rule because most of them just don’t get things like ornaments. They act bored and their attitude puts a dampener on everything so you second guess yourself and end up buying nothing. I imagine there was probably a lot of this going on.

I’m a SAHM too, but so just buy stuff for our house and don’t consult DH because otherwise the house would be practically empty. When I do buy things he doesn’t notice really anyway. Once, a new sofa came while he was on a business trip and he sat in it for weeks before asking where I’d moved the other one.

Just order the bookends and be done with it. In future, leave him at home when you go shopping.

SummerWhisper · 19/02/2020 21:28

I agree with strongmummy to have the joint account ONLY for shared household bills and childcare / children expenses. You are funding his takeaway lifestyle, but he resents you (and even tries to prevent you from) funding your aesthetic home tastes which adds up to far, far less than he feels entitled to take out of the joint pot. His needs and wants trump yours. This is about his entitlement. Let him pay his own way for the stuff he wants and start stashing wads into a private account if ever you need to chuck him out.

billy1966 · 19/02/2020 21:31

OP, you like them, that's enough.
For you to earn this income whilst minding the children, are you doing a lot of juggling?

Are you doing most of the household tasks as well?

You sound frustrated?

If you are doing a lot of juggling, then I think your have every reason to be frustrated.

You most certainly should be a le to buy something you like.
I would be well pissed off in this situation too.
You didn't ask him for permission, yet he felt he could say No.
The cheek of him.

Darbs76 · 19/02/2020 21:32

I like the ornament! If this is a one off I’d just buy it and tell him you want them and that’s it. If there’s a problem when you want to buy things then just have the joint account to split the mortgage, bills and food and then keep your own money for what you like.

notthemum · 19/02/2020 21:39

@blutterflies. O p said it was artand craft and also that it is unusual and not many people do it

LifeImplosionImminent · 19/02/2020 21:40

I'm glad you're keeping schtum about your business OP. You might find yourself with a shed load of competitors if you spilled the beans...

mellicauli · 19/02/2020 21:41

When it comes to shopping, Men wants to buy Mars and Women want to buy Venus. Just don't go shopping with him any more. Go with a friend instead. You'll have a much better time. He can look after the kids instead.

be47 · 19/02/2020 21:42

They're hideous! I wouldn't be having them anywhere in my house but the bin, maybe your DH feels similarly? And not noticing a spider cup situation isn't quite the same as two creepy horses staring at you across the living room every time you sit on the sofa.

I often agree with someone that something is nice to make conversation when out shopping, but wouldn't actually want to own most of those things - maybe he was making polite chat but didn't actually like them and had to own up when it looked like you might buy them?

(Also, cut the resentment crap, the way you speak about your DH's wage/ambition is pretty grim)

WhentheDealGoesDown · 19/02/2020 21:42

Glad you got them, with stuff like this as long as it is within budget I generally just get it and then just wait for the inevitable eye roll from DH

Juliehooligan · 19/02/2020 21:47

@Lotuscup563 I’m not into ornaments or horses, but they are really nice! Try and get them online if you can, your other half can’t do much when they are unpacked and displayed 😈

Topseyt · 19/02/2020 21:48

This is exactly why I am usually a lone shopper. I can browse by myself and have no need to discuss my purchases, likes and dislikes with anyone. DH is the same.

Granted that neither of us is big on ornaments, but we do just like to do our own thing.

I'm glad you are getting your ornaments. I actually quite like them as potential bookends.

Satsuma2 · 19/02/2020 21:54

I like the ornaments but I am also horsey. Glad you have ordered them.

TiddlestheCat · 19/02/2020 21:56

Go for it! If you like them and your husband doesn't loathe them, then you should treat yourself! And ignore everyone else's comments. It's irrelevant what other people think, esp strangers on a forum. If they make you happy, get them! I collect badly executed amateurish cat paintings and pottery, simply because they make me smile. I really couldn't care what anyone else thought of them. In fact, to be honest, I quite like that they're not to most people's taste. It's what makes my home mine and not theirs.

dontgobaconmyheart · 19/02/2020 22:01

OP your problem is you care too much what he thinks, and are deferring to him as the bottom line of decision making- you don't need to and i would be frustrated if i had done that. It would make precious little difference if my DP didn't like what i was buying, with my money, which was affordable. It's not for him is it , so who cares.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/02/2020 22:02

I'm not 'horsey' but I think they're quite nice - th main thing is you like them and he doesn't find them offensive. It was just when you wanted to spend £50 that he became negative.
I have a similar problem with DH - if it was up to him we'd sit in a plain white box with a great big telly and nothing else. Sometimes I just have to say we ARE having it/them otherwise I wouldn't have anything nice around me

siring1 · 19/02/2020 22:06

You earn more than him so you get to say how money is spent.

If he wants his say he can up his game!

returnofthecat · 19/02/2020 22:08

I don't like them and wouldn't want them in my house. If you were a friend, I'd make supportive noises, but if I lived with you, I would be more vocal (like your OH).

Can you test whether he objected to you spending money on yourself or spending money on something he didn't want to have to see each day by casually dropping into conversation that you're planning on going for an expensive girly meal with a friend? I.e. something that requires money, but has nothing to show for it at the end of it and therefore has no impact on him. I think his reaction would be very telling.

siring1 · 19/02/2020 22:11

Just seen the pic.

You live in Essex don't you!

mathanxiety · 19/02/2020 22:12

Hats off to you for making your own business and supporting your family.

So glad you are going to buy the ornament you like. Make a habit of getting yourself something nice for yourself every so often from now on. I always buy myself something nice for my birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas. It felt weird the first year but I soon got used to it Smile.

I suggest you get a nice big chalkboard on which you can write "I Am Worth It" in whatever space you use for your work and admin.

mathanxiety · 19/02/2020 22:14

{Fwiw - and it's completely beside the point of the thread whether anyone here likes the items in question - I like the bookstops.}

NaughtyLittleElf · 19/02/2020 22:18

I'm fascinated how you can be a full time SAHM and also earn more than your DHs full time wage. Don't you just work from home around school hours?