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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

247 replies

Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 18:32

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

OP posts:
MitziK · 19/02/2020 19:12

If it's a Bad Taste Bear or those bloody dragons, I'm with your husband.

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 19:13

He liked the ornament too, so it’s not that he didn’t want to look at it.

The ornament was a type of thing, so say both couples had a parrot and it was like a porrot ornament, or both couples were into gaming and it was a gaming type ornament. It was like that, so not a totally out there, misplaced thing he didint like.

I can’t say what my job is because there are not many people in the UK that do it, and it would be easy to find me (and then I’d be totally embarrassed you knowing I have a husband who begrudges me £50)

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 19/02/2020 19:15

This sounds more and more like he thinks your taste in ornaments is ugly and nothing at all to do with you spending money on something you like.

Whether he's reasonable or not to try and stop you adding things he dislikes the look of to the house is a different question to whether you should be able to spend money you can afford on yourself. Though it often also boils down to whether one of you is dominating that finite resource.

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 19:17

Ok, it seems to be that you think the ornament is bad but I really really liked it, I’ll see if I can figure out how to post a picture.

OP posts:
SapphireSeptember · 19/02/2020 19:17

@IanSomerhalderIsAGod

Good thing you don't see what I spend my money on. Grin Also now I want to see what you spend your money on. £50 for something you look at every day seems like a good deal to me, if you've got the money for it.

I kinda get how OP feels though, my ex-h used to dictate to me what I could spend money on (we could never afford things I wanted/needed but he could always find money for his wants/needs. He once told me I couldn't buy a new duvet that we needed cos 'we couldn't afford it.' We could, and when he went out that night I nipped across the road to the shops and bought one.) After we got married I 'had to ask permission' to buy things, and he'd check bank statements to make sure I was obeying (I didn't, it caused lots of rows but I wasn't backing down.)

marns · 19/02/2020 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VirtualHamster · 19/02/2020 19:18

but he said it was tat

He liked the ornament too

Which was it?

Mary1935 · 19/02/2020 19:19

He spends £10 a week on takeaways - that’s £520 a year.
Tell him to piss off if he doesn’t like it when you bring it home!!

Fiddlesticks8 · 19/02/2020 19:20

Order it online and proudly display it... it will probably take him weeks to notice it anyway.

Thefaceofboe · 19/02/2020 19:21

These threads are relentless

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 19:21

I wanted two of them, hopefully the picture has posted

Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!
OP posts:
74NewStreet · 19/02/2020 19:21

This season’s ornament Confused. Btw, it’s he’s, not his.

Casmama · 19/02/2020 19:21

We have some joint finances but then have some individual spending money that we can spend on whatever we like - would that be an option for you?
I can understand your resentment but think it has probably blown up into too much because neither of you have any discretionary spending money and it is actually the "who the fuck does he think he is to tell me not to spend money i have earned" that is the problem

Spotsandstars · 19/02/2020 19:23

Slight thread derail but I'm a sahm and I'm missing out on this pottering around thing. I'm like a dog on speed chasing my tail, I'm obviously doing it all wrong!

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 19/02/2020 19:24

Well if it's emphatically not about the item's appearance, perhaps you just need to be more assertive about buying things you like, to hell with his moaning, and tell him you won't tolerate it.

As for his buying takeaways- It's not clear whether you resent this or not. If not, then why bring it up? and if you do, maybe point that out to him as reason why he's being totally unreasonable when he moans about you wanting to spend £50?

Kirkman · 19/02/2020 19:24

It never enters my head that I earn more the dp. Neither would I sit and stew on the fact that he isnt as ambitious as me.

Honestly, those ornaments are to my taste and if dp wanted them he would have to out them somewhere I wouldnt look at them.

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 19:25

When we first went in the shop I pointed them out and he said they were nice, once we got around to the end I said I’m going to get them, that’s when he said there tat and a waste of money and stated moaning about it.

OP posts:
Angelil · 19/02/2020 19:25

Separate your finances so that you don't have to have this kind of stupid discussion. My husband and I have never had joint finances.

Saying that, the ornament context is sort of important: I wouldn't buy something for the house that my husband didn't also like. He has to live in it and look at it too.

Kirkman · 19/02/2020 19:25

arent to my taste

Woeisme99 · 19/02/2020 19:28

To be fair OP I wouldn't want those horses eyeing me up from the mantle either.

poopbear · 19/02/2020 19:29

It’s not my personal taste but I say if you want it you should get it. Like you said, it’s not something you’re buying all the time and as an adult you have the right to have some things in the house that you like. My DH hates smelly candles. I love them. Compromise is that I don’t plaster them in the front room but I have some in the downstairs loo. Get the ornament and put it somewhere he doesn’t have to look at it like at the side of the bath or in your office

ToeStubber · 19/02/2020 19:30

But he didn’t actually say you couldn’t get it.. so you shouted at him for saying something looks like tat? Did you mention it to him etc. Why didn’t you just walk in and get it? Also I just read that you wanted two, so a hundred quid?

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2020 19:30

Well saying they're tat and moaning isn't the same as banking you is it but I do think ornaments should be a joint decision

Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 19:31

We don’t have a mantle so they was going to go on a shelf we have with the books.

Seems like most of you don’t like the ornaments, me and DH are horsey people though so I loved them, but now hearing so many of you dislike them maybe they really are bad.

I’m a bit gutted now Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Lotuscup563 · 19/02/2020 19:32

They are £16 each- so that’s £32, not £100

OP posts: