Husband said no-....his so frustrating!!

[Lotuscup563]

I’ve name changed for this but been on mumsnet for years.

Just to be clear, we don’t separate our money-it’s joint.

Today we went looking around the shops for something to do, me and my DH who I have been a with for 15 years popped into one well known home shop and I spotted a ornament I liked for under £50.

I don’t particularly remember asking permission....but he said it was tat, a waste of money and started moaning so I didn’t get it.

However the more I think about it the more pissed off im getting!!

I’m the main earner in the household....I earn more than him....and.....I do it whilst also being the full time stay at home parent to 2 kids!!!! (So I feel his taking the double piss)

let’s not forget the fact that I’ve saved him (us) thousands of pounds doing all the childcare for 10 years. I didn’t even wanted to work, I wanted to be a real stay at home mum who just does the childcare, housework, potters about, but I couldn’t, because he has no aspirations what so ever so I had to work too on the side so we wasn’t just living hand to mouth and just covering bills.

Now I work we have money for holidays, eating out, buying things. (I admit I’m very lucky the business took off and I’m earning well unexpectedly) but still, this isn’t the first time, when our first child was born and I stayed at home, I made cookies and things and sold them to earn a little bit of money,as his wage back then only just covered the bills too, so I’ve always had that pressure to earn because he is just happy to plod along at a very basic rate.

And he moans at me for wanting a stupid ornament, when I go above and beyond in this relationship.....I am fuming....I will be ordering the item online because I bloody deserve it- bearing in mind I never bloody spend any money on myself....ever! And he moans. This is the guy that orders takeaway every week for himsef at £10 a pop when there is loads of food in the cupboard.....guess why there is extra money in the pot for him to do this?

Aibu to be really annoyed about this, to the point I started a row in the shop in public?

(I hate rowing in public, so so much but I just blew, and I’m now rather embarrassed about shouting in public) but I wasn’t wrong was I?

Wow-I’m just impressed you earn more than him whilst being a SAHM! I’m intrigued by how much you earn and what you do?! Please PM me!

Buy the bloody ornament!

I’m have to admit that I rolled my eyes at the bit where you said that you saved him thousands of pounds in childcare.

When you used the word 'ornament' I shuddered; hate the dust gathering pointlessness of them. But I think those bookends are lovely. Hope you intend to use them as bookends?
Should you buy them despite your husbands naysaying (or should that be neigh-saying?) Absolutely!

They're nice! You like horses so they're nice to you. Don't take any notice of people on here. I love Scottie dogs. If I saw Scottie dog book ends I'd really want them. I doubt you or hardly anyone else on here would though. It's what you like and what anyone on here thinks of then is irrelevant.

I am a 'horsey' person. I have ridden since I was 5. I am also a cocker spaniel person and always had them.

But I wouldnt have those ornaments. Or cocker spaniel versions.

From what I can father

He didnt say no. He didnt say you could not spend money.

He simply didnt like them.

And you have gone off it to a private 'I earn more than you, you arent ambitious enough, you dont provide enough money for me to not work and now you wont let me spend £50/£100'

When non of that happened and non is relevant.

You obviously do feel resentful that you earn more and have to work. Though you never had the right to be a sahm and not work. No one does.

I really like them! They’re not tat! Just buy them OP, he probably won’t even notice for months.

I actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. The issue isn’t who earns more but that you don’t begrudge him when he spends money on takeaways needlessly so why should he begrudge you or tell you you can’t spend money when you want to and it isn’t an obscene amount?

As for the ornaments, they might not be to everyone’s taste, but imagine how boring the world would be if we all liked the same thing.

On the other hand, I don’t think it needed to be brought up how much you earn more than him; all that really matters is that you could afford it, you wanted it and he’s ‘allowed’ to spend money from the joint finances without judgement when he wants to. Get the ornaments and who cares if no one else likes them if you do!

They are £16 each- so that’s £32, not £100

So not £50?

No, under £50. (For both)

What shop, please, OP? Horsey woman here, I really like them and have just the spot for them. [serious, pic of my boy to show I’m not on a wind up)

Buy it. You don’t need his permission.

Is it clutter that’s his issue? My house is full of cluttery shite and it’s driving me utterly demented. I throw things out and someone gives me more cluttery shite.

I think he just didn't like them. He called them tat

If my DP was all "I'm the higher earner" and insisted on buying fairly large ornament I didn't like I think I'd be annoyed with him actually.

If it was like a top or plate, or book or something that didnt effect him I'd say he was being a twat, but I think house decor should be a joint decision really

He is so handsome!

They are from next....enjoy them...(can I move in with you instead?)

Just buy them already!

If you like it, well go back and buy it, and then learn to communicate better.

Are those the actual ones?

They aren't to my taste but even if they were, they do look a bit like cheap tat. I can see how your DH might have liked them at a glance because they are "horsey" but changed his mind and decided they are a bit cheap and nasty, and overpriced.

Maybe you can find some nicer ones that you both like?

1. A pair of bookends, solidly made, for £32 isn't a bad price. Now, while I love to ride, I don't think I'd get them, but they're not purely objectively hideous, just not my taste. If you like them, you should get them.

1. The horses are a red herring. (Excellent mixed metaphor.) The problem, as many others have pointed out, is the general financial plan. You need to have three checking accounts: yours, his, and shared. Money for bills goes into the shared, proportional to your income. The rest gets split evenly between the two of you. If you together bring in, say, £3k after taxes, then perhaps £2k goes into shared and you each get £500 of your own. (You should also have a shared savings account, so maybe per month it's £2k on bills, split 60/40 with you paying majority, £500 into savings, and £250 each for spending as you please.)

You don't have to ask him about getting a bookend; you don't get to gripe about his takeaways. Herring solved.

It'll be the idea of dusting them.

Just so it’s clear- I did not say to him about being the high earner- I would never say anything so hurtful towards him- and it doesn’t bother me I earn more...I feel lucky that I earn more....because it is all just luck and I was never expecting to earn what I do.

He just spends the money and that’s fine, I really don’t care...which is why I think I’m so upset that he has been so nasty about it....I mean he likes horses too and said he likes it before I mentioned buying them.

Our house is very much not cluttered. If anything, it could do with a few things so it’s not so empty looking!

I get it though. My husband is pretty controlling over what we spend (or he tries to be. I mainly ignore him). It’s not pleasant to be chastised for spending.

Buy them.

Have a monthly allowance each.

They are lovely, but that's not the point. Why did you ask him? Does he ask if he can spend money on a takeaway regularly? Next time he does, point out it's unhealthy and wasteful, and you don't think he should buy it. Seriously, it's not a good equal relationship if he moans about your treats then treats himself [and a regular takeaway is a treat when there is food in the house].

So did he tell you directly not to buy them?

Order them.