To be terrified by the Australian rugby coach setting his family on fire?

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

In brief: earlier today an Australian ex-rugby player was in the car with his wife and their three children, poured petrol over her and set her alight. She, he and the children all died. The parents were ending their marriage and disputing custody over the children.

It’s absolutely horrific and I just wonder why there seem to be no depths to which some men - and it almost always is men - will sink when it comes to asserting their dominance over women and children. Throwing acid over them seems to be the newest ‘thing’ over the past 3 years. Assault, rape, stalking, harassment, murder are so common as to be un-newsworthy.

It scares me. My exH was abusive and I have a non-molestation order to prevent him from continuing the abuse. At the back of my mind I worry about him taking something I do/say as pushing him too far and being seriously hurt or killed. What if he decides one day to kill our DC?

Why won’t men sort their lives out and put an end to this horrific violence?

You can’t tar a whole demographic on the actions of a few unhinged nutters. The vast majority of men despise violent crime every bit as much as you do. Their mindset and behaviour of this nutter is as alien to most men as it is to you. We can reduce crime through better education, supporting poor families, voting for better quality of politicians, and improving the prison system. Shouting at “MEN” doesn’t help.

I am not sure that's quite what I meant either

Well what are you saying then because it sounds very much like you’re saying we shouldn’t talk about male violence because it’s insulting to the men who are hero’s?

Totally agree, GCAcademic. An abused woman comes on to discuss how an revolting man murdered his whole family and the fears that this has reignited in her, due to her own experience with an abusive man. Other women share similar experiences and fears, but ‘how dare you! NAMALT’ waa waa waa Oh bore off, about the poor men, FFS!

Sorry, I didn't mean to be all NAMALT. I really didn't.

I do, genuinely want to understand what the OP means by men sorting their lives out though, because we aren't all like this. In many of these custody cases, the men weren't ever abusive before and one assumes something just snaps in them, which makes it hard to spot any sort of warning signs to prevent it or try and control something.

AIBU?

Really, you want to discuss this disgusting act of depravity in AIBU with that horrific headline?

I might have to leave Mumsnet because people cannot bloody censor themselves or give a thought to other site users!!

That's fucking horrific. It's crazy that to assert ultimate control some kill themselves also. Most of these fucking cowards don't make a serious attempt.

My 'dad' was a nasty abusive bastard - every type of abuse you can imagine he committed against one of either me, my brother or mum. Isolated us from anyone who could help.

A couple of years ago he was on deaths door, dying of COPD. He was in pain, lonely and isolated which filled me with glee. I attended his funeral, laughed and smiled the whole way though it (especially when they read aloud what a nice man he was) and then cleared that fuckers bank accounts.

He put us through hell as children. A nasty alcoholic. Turned others against us because he was a 'pillar of the community' so how could what he be saying not be the truth. Awful.

Bastards the lot of 'em. Vindictive. Wicked.

I hope you are able to live in peace OP and anyone else who has experienced or is experiencing this

@AngelsSins
The problem of male violence goes to the very roots of society - modern and ancient. I’m all for disbanding global armies so that millions of conscripted men throughout the world can get peaceful jobs where they are not at risk of getting limbs blown off/death and banning the sales of weapons which is a significant part of the U.K. economy - will you vote for that? Corbyn was a pacifist and he was mocked and derided mercilessly for it.

Thing is some people are just cunts, men and woman. We’ve always had cunts in the world and we always will have!

You also can’t blame a whole sex for the actions of a few.....

Ah, several women have also recently killed their own children.

Not just men.

Just saying.

... by women in equal measure as men. The problem of male violence is all our problems. We all support it, as long as it’s far enough from our homes.

I’m sure that governments /courts could do more to prevent this. Taking women’s fears very seriously in court, for instance, making it much easier for women to get away - granting interim orders more easily etc.

The consequences of not taking women seriously are so much worse than the consequences of believing the odd woman who isn’t being truthful- in the interim before a full hearing I mean.

this is the problem, this is why it continues, because whenever someone raises the topic of male violence it gets shut down with screams of NOT ALL MEN and WOMEN DO IT TOO.

what do you want? Agree that it's fine that MEN are the enemy? It's frankly ridiculous.

Why won’t men sort their lives out and put an end to this horrific violence?
some men, these men.. fine, but pretending that it's a MEN problem is boring and so unhelpful.

Talk about the individuals who are dangerous and violent, but scared of MEN? Give me a break.

The problem of male violence goes to the very roots of society - modern and ancient. I’m all for disbanding global armies so that millions of conscripted men throughout the world can get peaceful jobs where they are not at risk of getting limbs blown off/death and banning the sales of weapons which is a significant part of the U.K. economy - will you vote for that? Corbyn was a pacifist and he was mocked and derided mercilessly for it

Right, and that’s going to stop male violence against women and children how?

@ShatnersWig

Seriously condem this behaviour each and every time I'm not singling you out I feel you have asked an important question how men can help with this situation and its condem it vocally each and every time certain men do this to make themselves look good if they are condemned by men themselves that will help it wont stop it because there will always be wankers but it will help

@Thymelord

Quite. Unthinkable that a thread should stand without someone rushing over to defend men. Not my Nigel, NAMALT. It is utterly tiresome, and depressing.

Perfectly reasonable though, in every single one of these threads, for somebody to label every single man on the planet a dangerously violent psychopath because of the actions of one of their number, blame 'men' as an amorphous whole, and expect nobody to point out how utterly ridiculous that is.

Ok, glad to know where we stand on 'men'.

As an aside, every time I hear of someone who played a concussive sport acting like this after retirement, I can't help but wonder about CTE

what do you want? Agree that it's fine that MEN are the enemy? It's frankly ridiculous

Oh was I not clear? I WANT A DISCUSSION ABOUT MALE VIOLENCE. Why is that so difficult? Why do we have to pretend that women commit violence at anywhere close to the same rates as men? Why do we need to shut up because men might get offended? Why are you so invested in shutting down anyone wanting to tallies about it?

Could you advise me how I, as a man, can put an end to other men's horrific violence? I'm responsible for myself, I have no control over other men.

Seeing as your asking and seeing that these things have often escalated and come from men who hold women in contempt: bring your children up to be respectful of each other. If you hear misogynist stuff call people out on it. Especially if they're your friends.

For the rest: statistics show that 2 women a week are killed by partners or former partners and as we hear from organisations like Women's Aid the most dangerous time for a woman is when leaving an abusive partner.
But NAMALT. we KNOW that. But enough MALT to make it a problem for us all.

*talk about it

AngelsSins
If you want to talk about violence, no one is stopping you.

If you want to generalise and pretend it's a sex/gender issue, expect others to point out that you are talking nonsense. You know some people disagree without being offended, they disagree because you happen to be wrong.

My exh drive drink with me and dc in the car. Felt at one point we would die.
Judge still awarded him access to 2 of them. Worried every single time he had them.
That poor woman.
Poor poor babies.

If you want to generalise and pretend it's a sex/gender issue, expect others to point out that you are talking nonsense. You know some people disagree without being offended, they disagree because you happen to be wrong

If I want to pretend it a sex thing?!!! My god, have you seen the crime stats? Have you seen how men commit the vast majority of violent crime? It’s you that’s playing pretend here. Educate yourself.

ShatnersWig

And if these things are so common as to be unnewsworthy, why did you hear about it reported on.... the Australian news?

Violence against women is common. Around a third of women have experienced or will experience domestic abuse at and two women a week are killed by partners or ex-partners.

slippery I don't mean this in a facetious way, but it will probably sound that, but what is the best way for me to do that? When something like this occurs, should I make a Facebook post condemning it? How else can I call it out?

Brefugee I don't have children. I have never heard a male friend of mine say anything derogatory about women. I would call them out on it if I did. Fortunately I don't have any arseholes as friends.

Educate yourself

if you end up being paranoid and seeing MEN as your enemy, you are the one who needs to educate yourself. Because, really, how does this attitude help you in real life? Do you think it's a healthy view of the world?

If you want to generalise and pretend it's a sex/gender issue, expect others to point out that you are talking nonsense. You know some people disagree without being offended, they disagree because you happen to be wrong.

Of course it’s a sex issue. How can you possibly argue that it is not? Two women each week are murdered by their partners in the U.K. How many men are murdered by their female partners in the U.K. each week?