To be terrified by the Australian rugby coach setting his family on fire?

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

In brief: earlier today an Australian ex-rugby player was in the car with his wife and their three children, poured petrol over her and set her alight. She, he and the children all died. The parents were ending their marriage and disputing custody over the children.

It’s absolutely horrific and I just wonder why there seem to be no depths to which some men - and it almost always is men - will sink when it comes to asserting their dominance over women and children. Throwing acid over them seems to be the newest ‘thing’ over the past 3 years. Assault, rape, stalking, harassment, murder are so common as to be un-newsworthy.

It scares me. My exH was abusive and I have a non-molestation order to prevent him from continuing the abuse. At the back of my mind I worry about him taking something I do/say as pushing him too far and being seriously hurt or killed. What if he decides one day to kill our DC?

Why won’t men sort their lives out and put an end to this horrific violence?

Family annihilator are never men who 'snap', though. Like this latest case, a family annihilator will usually have a long and escalating history of domestic abuse, whether verbal, financial, sexual or physical, or any combination of the above, often with coercive control thrown in. The annihilation typically occurs at a point where his - and it's virtually exclusively a male crime - victim has finally gathered enough strength and support to leave or is in the process incess of leaving or has announced an intention to leave.

The annihilation always takes time to plan and prepare for; it's never hasty, opportunistic or spontaneous. These men don't snap; they were always bent or cracked but were smart enough to conceal it and masquerade as normal, loving partners and fathers. This is evidenced by the fact that they groom women long enough for marriage and chdren and in many cases still present to the outside world or even their wider family as model family men. Jekyll and Hyde is what we're seeing in these cases, not a fundamentally good man 'driven' past endurance to act murderously.

Let's hear no more about snapping, please.

@NearlyGranny

Excellent post.

In a large number of these cases the escaping woman and children are known to the authorities because the escalating poor behaviour of the H/P has been brought to their attention and logged. Now women are supposed to educate themselves about the red flags and act appropriately, but often the authorities are a bit slow off the mark. Sure, a determined and deceptive man / person may be able to obfuscate and lead people to minimise and convince others that the woman is exagerrating or being hysterical, but given that when the authorities think that children may be at risk, often from parents with MH issues, they can be very quick to act, even without as yet concrete evidence, why is the bar different for intervention if one is factoring in protecting a mother too? The woman is expected to protect her children from abusive partner - she does so and asks the authorities to help - the authorities umm and ahh and suddenly a tragedy happens.

I know that no system is perfect, but there have been some spectacular failings because of an inbuilt tendency to "wait and see" or minimise the fears of women because they might just be hysterical /acting out of spite. Where children are involved, this seems a tad hypocritical, when the "best interest of the children" is supposed to be the gold standard.

Women and children should both be supported and protected - and the men who are threatening them should be better evaluated.

True, OldQueen1969, as evidenced by the order on this perpetrator barring him from coming within 20m of his estranged wife. Much good that did.

Toom many women are told there's nothing the authorities can do until threats become actions, by which time, as we see, it can be far too late.

She feared he would kill her but was still confident he would never harm his children. The good, loving father despite everything trope is strong...

No it doesn't. You're the only person doing it at the moment and it's fucking revolting.

I don't care if you think it's revolting. If it causes one solitary individual to consider their personal safety then it's a victory IMO.

The only thing stopping me from being sexually assaulted was my own initiative and I won't apologise for holding the opinion that common sense/vigilance is a good idea (even if we shouldn't need to exercise it).

This man burned his ex and little children to death in broad daylight, on the fucking school run.

I mean, what the fuck are you even talking about MissChardonay. If it is, indeed, Miss.

Whether you'll apologise or not is as irrelevant as whether you agree misschardonnay, as you've already conclusively demonstrated both your ignorance and lack of decency.

A close family member of mine was stalked and beaten to death by her ex boyfriend.

I have been in 2 physically and mentally abusive relationships with men.

Both of my sisters have been in at least one violent relationship with men.

One of my close friends is still scared to go out years after leaving her husband. While they were together he crashed the car with their kids in due to being in a rage.
Also battered her so badly when she was asleep that she doesn’t remember it.

Another friend was gaslighted by her ex husband who would hide her things then make them reappear making her think she was insane, accuse her of all sorts and regularly beat her to a pulp.

Another friend was thrown down the stairs by her then boyfriend and had her ribs broken.

Many many... far too many of the women at my work have similar tales to tell.

My male friends do not have the same stories to tell.

Domestic violence is overwhelmingly a male issue.

The NAMALT brigade need to wake up.